Video Game Reviews: House of The Dead 2 and 3 Return Wii (2008)

I can't believe I didn't play this game sooner. It is so much fun and is exactly what I was looking for on my Wii. Before anybody moans and groans, yes the controls are perfect and arcade quality. But also better than arcade quality if you went to an arcade back in the day that had a bunch of kids in there always throwing things and breaking things. Little shits. I am not an arcade repair man, I don't know how to re-calibrate a snapped in half plastic uzi.

Do you like to partake in the old rooty tooty point and shooty? Well do you like to point your shooter at NINJA FUCKING ZOMBIES? These aren't ninjas that are fucking zombies. They are zombie ninjas. How can anyone not want to shoot that? If there is a porno where ninjas fuck zombie broads then WHY haven't I wacked off to that yet? It sounds awesome! Maybe now is the time when most people would feel shame, but I've been alive and miserable too long for any of that.

The game is hard as fuck and you will only really enjoy the experience of playing it if you play with a friend. I was playing with a close friend of mine and we both had a blast, got frustrated, planned on quitting and then played some more. We went through that cycle like 3 times before the night was out. I had a great time. I think he got tired of me blaming all of our game overs on him. That's my bad, the game is hard enough without having the one person that's on your side turn on you.

The graphics and sound look fine. Don't be such a pampered little pussy. You don't need to be able to zoom in on every HD screenshot of zombie boogers in order to know if you're having fun playing the game or not. The voice acting is hilarious and the gameplay is fast paced. There are fuck tons of zombies. What else could you want? For you father to come back home with that pack of cigarettes that he went out to get 12 years ago? Well it's not gonna happen but this game did happen. And playing it should happen to you!

The boss fights are a big plus as well. I love the crazy movements of the first boss. He fights like the grooviest dancing monster thing at the club. He doesn't buy drinks for anyone, they just buy drinks for him and slip him ecstacy when he looks like he's about to pass out. Fucking wild man, party machine monster.

I recommend the game if you couldn't tell. If you can't tolerate seeing a game over screen then you are a pussy. But you also probably won't like this game. So just save your money. But if you aren't a pussy then definitely give this energetic old classic a try. 

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Movie Review: Event Horizon (1997)

First of all, the movie has Laurence Fishbourne and Sam Neil in it. That should be enough to make any film fan weak in the knees. Imagine if the movie would have been Jurassic Park meets The Matrix in SPACE! Now that would have been a sure fire hit.

So I've heard, like everyone else on the internet, that the movie is highly edited from it's original cut. They took out a lot of the horrible maiming and mutilation. Well, I agree with that decision. I don't give a fuck about the artist's original vision if the original vision would have made the movie harder to watch.

What important meaning am I supposed to surmise from a bunch of glorified gore and gross out shit? I've seen the movie clown movie from 2017 I think where the clown smears shit all over a restaurant bathroom before going on a killing rampage. I didn't find any meaning in that movie and I don't think there is any meaning in the suffering of humans in general. So yeah, I'm pretty much a Philosopher today. Eat your heart out, ......college. Yeah, mother fucking college can suck it.

There were several times where all I could think was "what a beautifully shot movie." Such a variety of things to look at on what I would normally imagine to be a bland office style workplace. I mean, it's a space ship designed for people to travel to the edge of Hell in or some shit like that. I wouldn't imagine that there would be a whole lot of creativity needed in the interior designing of a ship like that. But they came through with it anyway.

The Doctor and his wife keep meeting in weird places and she usually scares the shit out of him. The ship becomes possessed by the Devil or something like that and everyone on board is at risk of having a flashback to their evil, worse times and deeds.

Eventually the ship turns one of the characters into a slashier version of Pinhead from Hellraiser. He's all hyped to go show everyone what Hell is like. How are there any characters evil enough to be hyped about the trip to Hell? Wouldn't any sort of visit to Hell suck? No matter how evil and sadistic you are, or who you know there, I doubt anybody really enjoys an eternity of torture and evil. Maybe that's just me.

Anyway, I had a flashback of my own while watching the movie. It was to a time when I really believed that life would just get better and better. But it turns out that I was just spinning my wheels and I'm just as alone as I always thought. Maybe that's how Morgan Freeman feels in the world of professional voice over. Can't say for sure, I don't know the guy. Anyway, I recommend the movie, it was pretty good.

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Movie Review: Joker (2019)

What a lame movie, where was Batman? If you like movies with Batman in them, then you should watch Lego Batman instead. Another plus from watching that movie over this one is that you won't want to paint your face like a clown and then blow your own brains out as the credits roll.

Can't believe a guy named Joker never made any funny jokes. I went to the movie hoping to steal some really good jokes to reuse on here but now I just have to review the movie. What a let down.

Who was the romance in the movie designed for? A fucking detective? I didn't realize that people could film scenes in their heads that aren't really happening. That must take up a lot of whatever the brain considers to be CPU. Probably part of the reason why the guy was so angry all the time.

So his mother didn't care about him, and then he kills her. What the shit? If you're a middle child like me then you already know that nobody cares about you. That doesn't mean that we're gonna make the next Thanksgiving look like a Mafia shootout.

So he had a hard time with his pills and the system let him down. Well, nah yeah that's pretty much how it is. He reacted the way you should if you're a mentally ill, abused child, cigarette addict. The cigarettes might have been his only real issue. He smoked enough to get lung cancer in this one movie. Imagine if there is a sequel. I wonder if having a complete lunatic smoke cigarettes for the entirety of your blockbuster movie is good for cigarette sales. Like "Hey I want to be just like that guy!"

Movie blew. Not a funny movie, or full of fight scenes with Batman. There was no Harley Quinn either. Of course, I guess if you like learning a little something more about the human condition then you might like this movie. I guess if you wanted to witness the desperation and hopelessness of losing your mind first hand, then you might take away a meaningful experience away from this movie. Idk, I had to watch golden retriever videos on YouTube for 2 hours after the movie just to keep from curling into a ball and weeping. Sometimes I hug the covers in a big bunch and pretend like I'm hugging an actual golden retriever.  I'll explain my fixation with goldens in a later entry. Anyway, have a good one.

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A Few Minutes of My Time #3

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Short Funny Story: Female Opinions Do Not Matter

Okay so neither do male opinions. I picked this title because I thought it had a better chance of pissing someone off. If one thing pisses one person off, then it usually makes another one laugh. Everything that I say and write is to make people laugh, it's a simple life.

What men think of women is useless. What women think of men is useless. We are going to fuck each other regardless of our idiotic opinions. If you read magazines, Internet articles or watch videos about better understanding the opposite gender, then you are wasting your life.

Women come and go. Hopefully they've also been cumming and going, but that's just a cheap joke. Your wife or husband is not the perfect one that you love forever, they are the one that you'll just try to be with forever. You'll love that person for a very small  percentage of the time you two are together. Don't believe me? Ask one of the millions of recently divorced people.

So if all you want from life is to have a good job, wife and kids then go for it. But just know that you have sacrificed your inner dreamer. You never took the chance to be that one thing that you really wanted to be and that's cowardly. 

Additionally, if you are a woman and all you want is to have children but you still put yourself through a huge career, that's cowardly too. If you can honestly say that your ultimate dream is to be a family man or woman,  then be that. But don't try to also be career focused.

The default answer for a man or a woman is always the wrong answer. More people need to take the time to try and be what they really want to be. I know this issue is deeper than how I've treated it. But I've written this in the server station at my work on a slow day. We all have our limitations, mine is gainful employment.

Shot Glass Thought: Running With The Devil

Van Halen is not a group that I am all that familiar with. But I do know that they have at least one masterpiece. Running With The Devil is an amazing song. Any broad on Tinder with that as their anthem is the broad for me. What's that? They don't like that term anymore? Well I don't fucking like Snapchat but if we're gonna see each other naked before we're in person, it's really the only way to go. Do you want me to arrange a PowerPoint demonstration detailing all the different angles and features of my peeder and then email it to you with a discreet subject line like "Business Proposal"? No, you want a quick, out of focus snapshot of what might be my dong. This is the world we live in.

Shot Glass Thought: Could've Been a Cornerback

I was just thinking about the time that I wanted to play football. I wanted so badly to be a cornerback, that's CORNERBACK. The all caps is because my uncle, father and mother all yelled at me saying that I could wish and dream all that I want, I would never be a quarterback. I already knew that, and didn't care because I wanted to intercept the ball. I wanted to return punts for touchdowns and work on being the quickest, fastest guy on the field. I had played soccer all my life to that point and defense was already my specialty. I thought that my goal of becoming a cornerback was a reasonable one. I was also really small and weak. But also really fast and had good instincts. So anyway, I should have just went for it and not communicated with anyone but myself and my coaches. I did intercept our quarterback once in practice and he hit me so hard for doing so that my helmet came off. Then he tried to help me up and tell me what a good read it was, but I was knocked unconscious. No checks for concussion, they just woke me up and set me playing again. It's tough being a kid. Besides that I was constantly being made fun of at school for making good grades. Constantly being nagged to work harder at school when I was at home. I don't miss that part of life one bit. Guess I should be thankful, all of that bullshit did make me into one hell of a bartender.

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