It's a good thing I learned to touch type because I'm writing this while I'm blind drunk. Couldn't manually spell check this thing even if I wanted to.
It's gonna be a while before I'll be able to make any videos. My setup is glitched and I've gotta wait for somebody smarter than me to fix it. This isn't really a joke, I just think it's funny that my operation can be so easily derailed.
Punk geologist prefers to rock out. ( I know, I know. But I love this joke anyway.)
Low self esteem trash pile thinks he's down in the dumps.
Innocent Lion sentenced to 20 years in solitary confinement with gawking tourists as his only interaction.
Obviously mentally ill man entertains delusion of leaving a positive impact on the world.
Phone-ee friends never prefer text messages. Talking more personal. (I love phone calls.)
I went to the store to get some toilet paper, deodorant and some ready made frozen biscuits. But I ended up at the liquor store. So, honestly, I don't know where I went.
Lustful organ harvesters want me for my body.
Loose lipped twink popular in prison.
If you're ate up with Hell, you know the Devil has sharp teeth.
Love letter to earthquake quotes AC-DC, "You shook me all night long."
Dreamy trucker asleep at the wheel again.
Blind new guy getting a feel for the office.
Keep clicking my new posts if you want more short jokes and more dark jokes. Don't forget, you can experience my dark humor every day. That's because I post every single day! What's better than that? I can't think of anything. Stay tuned and cheers!
Comedy Apprentice Contributor: Cooter Dwyane Delmonty Introduction
Howdy yall, I'm Cooter Dwyane Delmonty. Lotta people call me CD. You can always catch ole CD on the CB if you know what I mean. I read Comedy Apprentice for the dark humor, dark jokes and the short jokes. Sometimes the fellar that runs this website can get a bit long winded but I ain't gonna hold that against him. My preacher on Sunday gets mighty long winded too and that don't make me stop going to church.
I drive a truck for a living. I like football and beer! I remember the good old days when I was running the football for the Murphy Bulldogs of Murphy NC. There was no shortage of big strong guys piling on top of my back with all their strength. Man those were the days. If only I could go back into them days and introduce my buddies to Mimosas. I can't think of anything more relaxing after a long, hard fought game than a couple of sweet, bubbly drinks for me and all the boys.
I work hard boys, so my flannel shirts and my truck cabin can really take a beating. That's why I'm fortunate to have had my Mammaw teach me how to sew. I'm also fortunate to have Pinterest. I mean, where else could I find such awesome step by step tutorials for stitching patterns into the ceiling of my truck cabin? I made the coolest kaleidoscope lookin' pattern up there. It's an awesome website man. I followed a step by step tutorial for installing light reflectors on my boots. Some people call it bedazzlin' but I see the practical use of the glimmering lights. I tell ya, much as the boys at work may make fun of me, I sure ain't had my toes stepped on recently.
I wish I had me a wife and kids to come home to but that ain't happened yet. I ain't no good with the women. I meet em', take em' to the spa and we get our nails done together. I treat em' to the nicest bottle of sparkling Rose' that I can afford and then they tell me they just want to be "glam fam" with me when I make my move. I still ain't sure what that means, but I won't give up on em'. There's one out there for me just like there is for everyone out there.
So, that's all there is to know about me pretty much. I met this here Comedy Apprentice fellar when I saw him do stand-up at an open mic in a truck stop on the outskirts of Asheville, NC. I tried to buy him a Mimosa but he said he likes Moscow Mules. We drank and hung out for a bit. He thought I would have some funny stories to share with all yall. So I figure I'll write a few up for ya ever now and again. Thankee Comedy Apprentice for takin' me on and thanks to all yall that read this here piece. Take care and be good yall. CD out!
I drive a truck for a living. I like football and beer! I remember the good old days when I was running the football for the Murphy Bulldogs of Murphy NC. There was no shortage of big strong guys piling on top of my back with all their strength. Man those were the days. If only I could go back into them days and introduce my buddies to Mimosas. I can't think of anything more relaxing after a long, hard fought game than a couple of sweet, bubbly drinks for me and all the boys.
I work hard boys, so my flannel shirts and my truck cabin can really take a beating. That's why I'm fortunate to have had my Mammaw teach me how to sew. I'm also fortunate to have Pinterest. I mean, where else could I find such awesome step by step tutorials for stitching patterns into the ceiling of my truck cabin? I made the coolest kaleidoscope lookin' pattern up there. It's an awesome website man. I followed a step by step tutorial for installing light reflectors on my boots. Some people call it bedazzlin' but I see the practical use of the glimmering lights. I tell ya, much as the boys at work may make fun of me, I sure ain't had my toes stepped on recently.
I wish I had me a wife and kids to come home to but that ain't happened yet. I ain't no good with the women. I meet em', take em' to the spa and we get our nails done together. I treat em' to the nicest bottle of sparkling Rose' that I can afford and then they tell me they just want to be "glam fam" with me when I make my move. I still ain't sure what that means, but I won't give up on em'. There's one out there for me just like there is for everyone out there.
So, that's all there is to know about me pretty much. I met this here Comedy Apprentice fellar when I saw him do stand-up at an open mic in a truck stop on the outskirts of Asheville, NC. I tried to buy him a Mimosa but he said he likes Moscow Mules. We drank and hung out for a bit. He thought I would have some funny stories to share with all yall. So I figure I'll write a few up for ya ever now and again. Thankee Comedy Apprentice for takin' me on and thanks to all yall that read this here piece. Take care and be good yall. CD out!
Jokes:8 Short Jokes Delivered With Your Own Incomparable Gusto!
So, I'm writing a lot of jokes only posts lately. I have the most fun writing those posts. But they don't have a very large word count or a bunch of keywords. So they won't kick ass at search engine optimization. This is why I need everybody who reads these things to share them on social media. If you all do that, then your friends will get a chuckle and I'll be able to make it big. Win-win baby, so share these posts on your social media.
Full disclosure, if you share my shit with your family and friends there is a good chance that you'll be ostracized. I make fun of everyone especially all of us ghostly looking honkies.
Here's a modified version of a joke from the funniest man of all time: "Quitting drinking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." The original joke was from Mark Twain and it read: "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." Isn't that amazing that he wrote a joke that was so timeless that it could get laughs even today? I never knew how much I really loved that guy till I started studying comedy writing.
Cancer fan takes up smoking to fulfill lifelong dream.
Anti-teeth man takes up dipping to lessen his chewing potential.
Cigar enthusiast doesn't "need all of his mouth."
Local man breaks record for most inappropriate messages sent while eating chicken biscuits and drinking coconut flavored cocktails.
That last one was just a true account of my life.
I'd believe in myself if my toaster would let me.
I'd take out the trash if my toaster would stop telling me that there are government agents waiting for me to fall into that trap.
Apparently, government agents are the ones would made cheesy eggs last night and made a mess of the whole kitchen and not me. What a bunch of assholes. I could have cooked if you just asked. Let's sit down and have meals together like the family that we are.
I recently updated my review of Red Steel from 2006 on the Nintendo Wii. Click here to check it out:https://www.comedyapprentice.com/2019/09/video-game-review-my-love-will-go-on.html. I love this game and the review. So check it out homie!
I didn't spell check this because I'm hammered. Please forgive if there are some mistakes. If this message is still here when this thing goes up then know that I meant to make it back to check lol.
Full disclosure, if you share my shit with your family and friends there is a good chance that you'll be ostracized. I make fun of everyone especially all of us ghostly looking honkies.
Here's a modified version of a joke from the funniest man of all time: "Quitting drinking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." The original joke was from Mark Twain and it read: "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." Isn't that amazing that he wrote a joke that was so timeless that it could get laughs even today? I never knew how much I really loved that guy till I started studying comedy writing.
Cancer fan takes up smoking to fulfill lifelong dream.
Anti-teeth man takes up dipping to lessen his chewing potential.
Cigar enthusiast doesn't "need all of his mouth."
Local man breaks record for most inappropriate messages sent while eating chicken biscuits and drinking coconut flavored cocktails.
That last one was just a true account of my life.
I'd believe in myself if my toaster would let me.
I'd take out the trash if my toaster would stop telling me that there are government agents waiting for me to fall into that trap.
Apparently, government agents are the ones would made cheesy eggs last night and made a mess of the whole kitchen and not me. What a bunch of assholes. I could have cooked if you just asked. Let's sit down and have meals together like the family that we are.
I recently updated my review of Red Steel from 2006 on the Nintendo Wii. Click here to check it out:https://www.comedyapprentice.com/2019/09/video-game-review-my-love-will-go-on.html. I love this game and the review. So check it out homie!
I didn't spell check this because I'm hammered. Please forgive if there are some mistakes. If this message is still here when this thing goes up then know that I meant to make it back to check lol.
Jokes: 9 Short Jokes That I'll be Glad to Tell at the Open Mic in any Honkytonk
I wanna have sex the way that most people want to play bowling. It's a good excuse to get drunk and make some noise, but not much else.
I don't need an excuse to get drunk but it's good to be prepared.
If you don't start early you'll never be able to drink all day.
Heavy drinking comic only hears booze. "Makes me thirsty." He said.
Drinking alcohol is like time travel that only goes into the future. You take "too much" alcohol and then wake up in an unfamiliar time period. Could be several days later.
Just switched from champagne to cocktails and it didn't cost me a thing. My neighbor hates locking his door.
In spite of that first joke, I don't really want to have sex. At least, I don't want to have sex at my place. I mean who really wants to deal with all that clean-up? Not me. But I equally don't want to sleep in musky sex smell for several weeks till I decide to wash everything again.
I have been getting drunk everyday on all my off days. If they'd let me drink at work then I'd never have an off day. As far as I can tell, I don't get any worse at bartending when I'm drunk. I mean, I'm my own personal bartender and I've been loving my work all week. I'm damn near ready to give myself a promotion.
I wanna get lit enough to go to sleep but the light is too bright.
I don't need an excuse to get drunk but it's good to be prepared.
If you don't start early you'll never be able to drink all day.
Heavy drinking comic only hears booze. "Makes me thirsty." He said.
Drinking alcohol is like time travel that only goes into the future. You take "too much" alcohol and then wake up in an unfamiliar time period. Could be several days later.
Just switched from champagne to cocktails and it didn't cost me a thing. My neighbor hates locking his door.
In spite of that first joke, I don't really want to have sex. At least, I don't want to have sex at my place. I mean who really wants to deal with all that clean-up? Not me. But I equally don't want to sleep in musky sex smell for several weeks till I decide to wash everything again.
I have been getting drunk everyday on all my off days. If they'd let me drink at work then I'd never have an off day. As far as I can tell, I don't get any worse at bartending when I'm drunk. I mean, I'm my own personal bartender and I've been loving my work all week. I'm damn near ready to give myself a promotion.
I wanna get lit enough to go to sleep but the light is too bright.
Jokes: 11 Short Play on Words Jokes to Delight Wordplay Folks
Drinking cheap sparkling wine can be champainful.
Nerdy hooker wants to comic strip.
Champagne all day every day surprisingly not good for bubbly personality.
Disappointing preacher becoming more sins-ical.
Heavy drinker tired of concrete bottles.
Harmless loiterer destroyed by words not pertaining to sticks or stones. His family would have acted differently if not for misinformation.
Drunken sunburnt tourists are known to red wine.
Clumsy fallen angel blames balance for founding of Hell.
Little bitch coworker thinks kissing lips to be overrated. Prefers ass cheeks of the boss.
Married life appears to be death.
Cheapskate waits for ice to travel.
Nerdy hooker wants to comic strip.
Champagne all day every day surprisingly not good for bubbly personality.
Disappointing preacher becoming more sins-ical.
Heavy drinker tired of concrete bottles.
Harmless loiterer destroyed by words not pertaining to sticks or stones. His family would have acted differently if not for misinformation.
Drunken sunburnt tourists are known to red wine.
Clumsy fallen angel blames balance for founding of Hell.
Little bitch coworker thinks kissing lips to be overrated. Prefers ass cheeks of the boss.
Married life appears to be death.
Cheapskate waits for ice to travel.
Jokes: 9 Echoes of an Evening in the Holler a Writin' and a Boozin'
Country music was designed so that you would have something to listen to when you're drinking by yourself.
For the people that don't recommend drinking alone, well I don't recommend drinking at all. But I know that I will be.
If I don't drink, how will I know to drink water to stay hydrated?
If I don't have hangover headaches, then who will visit with the cashier in the pharmacy at Wal-Mart?
If I stop drinking will my memory of my shitty past come back? Well that's not exactly a positive incentive there cowboy.
I called you a cowboy in that last joke because I always listen to country music when I'm drinking. Which is also the reason why I can remember most of the words to country music songs. Not all of them though, nobody has a memory that good.
I'd rather stay home and drink than go out and meet my soul mate. I think I'll know my soul mate when she staggers over to my bar stool and calls me a name that ain't mine.
I used ain't in that last joke because I'm listening to country music while I drink and write.
If you're wondering why I'm drinking and listening to country music while I'm writing, it's because I want to keep posting, but I don't have one creative thought to express. In a situation like that, you need the only medicine that makes it impossible for you to shut up...BOOZE!!
For the people that don't recommend drinking alone, well I don't recommend drinking at all. But I know that I will be.
If I don't drink, how will I know to drink water to stay hydrated?
If I don't have hangover headaches, then who will visit with the cashier in the pharmacy at Wal-Mart?
If I stop drinking will my memory of my shitty past come back? Well that's not exactly a positive incentive there cowboy.
I called you a cowboy in that last joke because I always listen to country music when I'm drinking. Which is also the reason why I can remember most of the words to country music songs. Not all of them though, nobody has a memory that good.
I'd rather stay home and drink than go out and meet my soul mate. I think I'll know my soul mate when she staggers over to my bar stool and calls me a name that ain't mine.
I used ain't in that last joke because I'm listening to country music while I drink and write.
If you're wondering why I'm drinking and listening to country music while I'm writing, it's because I want to keep posting, but I don't have one creative thought to express. In a situation like that, you need the only medicine that makes it impossible for you to shut up...BOOZE!!
Jokes: 8 Short Reflections on the State of Man Disguised as Short Jokes
Belly full of booze good for curing feelings of emptiness...for a few hours anyway.
Hell is actually cold and it's near lake Michigan, in Illinois in the winter time.
I want to move to Chicago so badly. Maybe Hell is New Jersey at any time of the year. Or any place where there isn't any booze.
The few hours part of the first joke mostly depends on how much booze you have.
I started by singing at church and then I started singing at work. Both are really hard to make it to on time. Especially so when you've got a hangover.
Some people will think that my last joke is awful. But what better time is there to go to church than when you've got a hangover? You've almost certainly got some things to repent.
Thanks to Disney, one day I want to have a passive aggressive relationship with a bi-polar female lion one day.
I mean, honestly, how did Nala think the guy would react to basically making love all night and then having her thrust all the problems of the kingdom on him the next morning? That's just fucked up.
Hell is actually cold and it's near lake Michigan, in Illinois in the winter time.
I want to move to Chicago so badly. Maybe Hell is New Jersey at any time of the year. Or any place where there isn't any booze.
The few hours part of the first joke mostly depends on how much booze you have.
I started by singing at church and then I started singing at work. Both are really hard to make it to on time. Especially so when you've got a hangover.
Some people will think that my last joke is awful. But what better time is there to go to church than when you've got a hangover? You've almost certainly got some things to repent.
Thanks to Disney, one day I want to have a passive aggressive relationship with a bi-polar female lion one day.
I mean, honestly, how did Nala think the guy would react to basically making love all night and then having her thrust all the problems of the kingdom on him the next morning? That's just fucked up.
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