Practical serial killer waiting for victims to die down. Prefers pushing them off ledges.
Rebellious student expelled for going to the bathroom without permission.
On second thought, that last joke probably has happened many times. God I hated school.
Sadistic husband rips flowers from their roots and ties them together before half drowning them and giving them to his co-conspiring wife.
Soft-hearted general only seeking to annihilate every able bodied man among the enemy, no women, children or the elderly.
Solemn cheerleader only believes in doing her D.U.T.Y.
Theatrical custodian paying his way through art school always said "It's never too late to paint a different picture." Unfortunately slipped and fell down 7 flights of stairs while dancing to the beat of his own symphony.
Weak willed steroid abuser unwilling to amputate his own nutsack for doctor prescribed testosterone. Coach demands "A much higher level of commitment."
Unlucky gambler only able to win the lottery one time after many, many attempts.
Trouble making doctor always looking for something to go wrong.
Timid New York driver only honking 5 times per minute.
Impatient martyr self immolates in too much of a hurry to get to Hell.
That was 12 Short Jokes Detailing the Flaws we all Love. Some of them were dark jokes and some of them weren't really dark at all. So, depending on what you've come to expect from my content, perhaps this could have been much darker. Or, maybe you'd prefer less dark humor. Let me know in the comments and don't forget to share this on social media. Thanks for reading, cheers!
Jokes: 11 Short Jokes Detailing our Modern World
Cruel preacher continues speaking for a living in spite of grating voice. Similar to the Inquisition, believes he is doing God's work.
Childish president dependent on drama for survival, brings to mind high school cheerleaders.
Deranged man frantically posting politically charged Facebook posts believes someone is actually reading them.
Egotistical garbage man confused about the nature of his work.
Fanatical blogger desperately trying to impress strangers with middle school writing skills.
I'll leave room for all of you in the comments below to claim that the last joke was about me. ;)
Fearsome competitors prepare themselves for National Milk Chugging Contest this Thursday at 2pm.
Flirty Hell's Angel retires from crime to start a baking business. Thinks it will help him to "Meet gu-chicks... I mean, tons of bitches."
Hoity-toity judge leaving courtroom unsure of verdicts. Says justice is "More about the journey and not the destination."
Illiterate mayor elected after decades of school budget cuts.
Judgmental bartender now finding work as dishwasher.
So that's 11 short jokes detailing our modern world. Tell me below how much I missed the mark on this post or share it on social media and tell everyone you know how much I missed the mark! Then you would look super smart and you'd definitely be making a difference in the world. After all, we all know that real heroes post shit on Facebook.
Childish president dependent on drama for survival, brings to mind high school cheerleaders.
Deranged man frantically posting politically charged Facebook posts believes someone is actually reading them.
Egotistical garbage man confused about the nature of his work.
Fanatical blogger desperately trying to impress strangers with middle school writing skills.
I'll leave room for all of you in the comments below to claim that the last joke was about me. ;)
Fearsome competitors prepare themselves for National Milk Chugging Contest this Thursday at 2pm.
Flirty Hell's Angel retires from crime to start a baking business. Thinks it will help him to "Meet gu-chicks... I mean, tons of bitches."
Hoity-toity judge leaving courtroom unsure of verdicts. Says justice is "More about the journey and not the destination."
Illiterate mayor elected after decades of school budget cuts.
Judgmental bartender now finding work as dishwasher.
So that's 11 short jokes detailing our modern world. Tell me below how much I missed the mark on this post or share it on social media and tell everyone you know how much I missed the mark! Then you would look super smart and you'd definitely be making a difference in the world. After all, we all know that real heroes post shit on Facebook.
Jokes: 12 Short Jokes That I Wrote with my Mama
Experts afraid to raise the original Titanic as it might offend Poseidon.
Paramedic turned drug dealer excellent at reviving clientele.
Drunken preacher prone to shouting in pulpit and the bar.
Lying electrician shocked at false voltage reading.
Lazy cleaning man washed away in a sea of filth.
Blunt sword only effective in stabbing feelings.
Selfish nun wants all the blessings to herself.
Lazy ant ostracized after proving to be the rich white kid of the group.
Shallow monk only concerned with covering bald spot.
Absent-minded astronaut ends up high, but not in space.
Abusive psychiatrist always bringing shit up.
Aimless sniper always missing the mark, blames falsehoods of reality.
This is a list of 12 short jokes that I wrote with the help of my Mama. She doesn't want writing credits because she thinks these jokes are mean. LOL
Paramedic turned drug dealer excellent at reviving clientele.
Drunken preacher prone to shouting in pulpit and the bar.
Lying electrician shocked at false voltage reading.
Lazy cleaning man washed away in a sea of filth.
Blunt sword only effective in stabbing feelings.
Selfish nun wants all the blessings to herself.
Lazy ant ostracized after proving to be the rich white kid of the group.
Shallow monk only concerned with covering bald spot.
Absent-minded astronaut ends up high, but not in space.
Abusive psychiatrist always bringing shit up.
Aimless sniper always missing the mark, blames falsehoods of reality.
This is a list of 12 short jokes that I wrote with the help of my Mama. She doesn't want writing credits because she thinks these jokes are mean. LOL
Jokes: 7 Short Jokes to Smirk at During Your Next Boring Meeting
Assisted Suicide Inc. is offering new flavors of bleach to make your last drink delicious.
Spent the last 2-3 hours laying in bed wanting to get up and be very funny. Technically, this sentence took about 3 hours to write. It's good for somebody that I don't charge by the hour.
Sleep addict reports feeling rested. Family worries this is a sign of relapse.
Philandering cat lady makes home wi-fi password Pusslord.
Open minded hobo sex addict giving up fingering for thumbing rides.
Judging from the black eye on my neighbor they are a swinging couple with only one swinger.
Lumbering giant monster found scaring people in the dark on local college campus. Turns out it was a 6'5 autistic man dressed as a hedgehog.
Our first joke was one of the finest dark jokes in all the land. If Dark Souls were a 2hr long comedy special, that joke would've been about a bleach filled estus flask or something. These short jokes with hints of dark humor are fun to write and even more fun to share. So send them out to anyone you can. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
Spent the last 2-3 hours laying in bed wanting to get up and be very funny. Technically, this sentence took about 3 hours to write. It's good for somebody that I don't charge by the hour.
Sleep addict reports feeling rested. Family worries this is a sign of relapse.
Philandering cat lady makes home wi-fi password Pusslord.
Open minded hobo sex addict giving up fingering for thumbing rides.
Judging from the black eye on my neighbor they are a swinging couple with only one swinger.
Lumbering giant monster found scaring people in the dark on local college campus. Turns out it was a 6'5 autistic man dressed as a hedgehog.
Our first joke was one of the finest dark jokes in all the land. If Dark Souls were a 2hr long comedy special, that joke would've been about a bleach filled estus flask or something. These short jokes with hints of dark humor are fun to write and even more fun to share. So send them out to anyone you can. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
Shot Glass Thought: Where is My Life Going?
This was the topic of discussion for me and two good friends of mine. I had pretty much the same conversation on two separate occasions recently. The two friends which I love very much do not know each other and they weren't present for both conversations. Only I was there for both conversations about the meaning and purpose of a life. It is my opinion that our greatest accomplishments and contributions are reflections of our souls. To secure these powerful accomplishments, we must look for the thing that only we can contribute.
If I am to live a full life, one that can send me to my dying day with no regrets, then I must find the one thing that only I can perfectly do. I must be transcendent in my accomplishment in this regard. There is nothing else in my life that is as important as this singular task. Sometimes, people find more than one of these kinds of tasks. Some people are so great that they can complete multiple life defining tasks. All that I know that I must do right now is this: "Austin brought joy to the world." That's what I see as my mission. I cannot unsee this task and I don't want to have something else. I find that this mission is perfectly suitable and I believe that I am up to the task of completing it.
There are many issues and problems of various different natures that make completing these tasks difficult. One of them is having enough money. Maybe I'm not good enough at the skills that are required to complete my task at a transcendent level. Maybe I have a drinking problem, or I'm too depressed. There are many obstacles. Maybe I won't make it to the heights that I am supposed to achieve. But when I go to die, I will have loved wisdom. I will have brought joy to those that I could. I will have loved and been loved. My contributions will have been the results of my best efforts however short I may fall from completing the task. Or maybe I will be a resounding success. I cannot know these things because they are final. I am operating in the space of what will happen and not what has happened.
If I can, with all that I am, be able to bring joy to the world. I do mean the entire world. To get laughs in every country around the world. To put smiles on the faces of the downtrodden, I will have realized my mission and completed it. Whatever monetary rewards should follow from such a feat will be secondary. Perhaps I will die before I ever see the rewards of such a task. This does not matter because bringing joy to others will have been my mission and in that I will have been fulfilled. If I should see it done and draw my last breath, I will be a happy man. Come what may, this is where my life is going.
If I am to live a full life, one that can send me to my dying day with no regrets, then I must find the one thing that only I can perfectly do. I must be transcendent in my accomplishment in this regard. There is nothing else in my life that is as important as this singular task. Sometimes, people find more than one of these kinds of tasks. Some people are so great that they can complete multiple life defining tasks. All that I know that I must do right now is this: "Austin brought joy to the world." That's what I see as my mission. I cannot unsee this task and I don't want to have something else. I find that this mission is perfectly suitable and I believe that I am up to the task of completing it.
There are many issues and problems of various different natures that make completing these tasks difficult. One of them is having enough money. Maybe I'm not good enough at the skills that are required to complete my task at a transcendent level. Maybe I have a drinking problem, or I'm too depressed. There are many obstacles. Maybe I won't make it to the heights that I am supposed to achieve. But when I go to die, I will have loved wisdom. I will have brought joy to those that I could. I will have loved and been loved. My contributions will have been the results of my best efforts however short I may fall from completing the task. Or maybe I will be a resounding success. I cannot know these things because they are final. I am operating in the space of what will happen and not what has happened.
If I can, with all that I am, be able to bring joy to the world. I do mean the entire world. To get laughs in every country around the world. To put smiles on the faces of the downtrodden, I will have realized my mission and completed it. Whatever monetary rewards should follow from such a feat will be secondary. Perhaps I will die before I ever see the rewards of such a task. This does not matter because bringing joy to others will have been my mission and in that I will have been fulfilled. If I should see it done and draw my last breath, I will be a happy man. Come what may, this is where my life is going.
The Answers: How to get a Boyfriend
Believe you me, as a man, I've never been asked this question. Nobody and I mean nobody has ever called out in public "Yonder bald headed, bearded fat man, how do I get a boyfriend?". Just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean that I'm not fully prepared to contribute some life changing advice for how to get a boyfriend. I might also mention that I'm not gay, so I don't have experience in the getting of a boyfriend. But I do have experience in being the boyfriend that was got. For me, that's more than enough expertise to justify making this post.
Be available. This could mean, don't already have a boyfriend in the first place. If I were answering that question, this post would be titled: "How to get a bit on the side." I'm saying don't make yourself too scarce. You should be in public enough that people can get to know you. It's hard to fall for someone that you aren't sure really exists. Unless you're on that show Catfished on MTV. My sister introduced me to that show a while back. I might have referenced that pivotal moment in my personal history before but I'm referencing it again because just like your grandpa, I love repeating myself.
Don't be judgmental. By today's moral standards, merely being a minority or woman is enough of a moral pass to allow you to go around judging everyone. Well, that's a bunch of bullshit and if you want a real man then you won't believe that. If you find a man that says he believes in that shit then you can expect to take a few drunken right hooks from him a couple years down the road. He lives the way he does because he's ashamed of himself before even doing anything wrong. He acts like he is responsible for all the bad things that have happened in the past. In order for all those things to add up in his head, he has to blast you in the face ever so often. Just so his world makes sense. This post is about "how to get a boyfriend, isn't it?" You might ask. Well yes, but it's a complex issue, I need to cover all my bases.
Don't be a stupid cunt. Yeah, this pretty much has to do with the last paragraph. I'm repeating it here because it's vital for getting a good boyfriend. That's not in the title of this post, but why would you want a bad boyfriend? You want to eventually marry a good man right? Or at the very least have a long term dating relationship with a good man, right? That's if you object to marriage, and honestly I don't blame you if you do. It's a pretty hard sell, no matter what your beliefs are.
Don't be a huge ass whore. This doesn't have anything to do with the actual size of your ass. This has everything to do with how many guys you have sucked off while you pretended to care about education for down syndrome kids while you were in your undergrad studies. We all now knew that your passion was for sucking off frat guys and not for teaching the disabled. This is because you dropped out of your studies but continued sucking off frat guys. I wonder if you'd suck off a retarded frat guy? Hmmm... now that is a puzzler.
Be able to communicate with others. Be able to talk to everyone. Not just your clique, not just your family, not just the people you go to work/church with. Be able to converse. Don't be too scared to talk with strangers or people that you think look strange when you are with a group of friends that will look out for you. Which brings me to another point, always go out with a group. If a guy is too scared to approach you when you're with your friends then he might be a rapist. I don't know if there is any evidence to support that, but there is plenty of evidence that this particular topic makes it into my dark jokes all the time. If you only have the confidence to talk to women when they are alone, that to me seems like your goal is to make them into a victim.
Know what you're looking for in a man or be willing to experiment. This boils down to experience. Don't put out. There are, in some circles, a majority of men that only want to hang around until there is some poon being served up. After that, they bounce. But it's for the better for both people if they become romantic friends, lovers, then married or long term family unit type shit. If you're a guy and you're worried that in 20 years she'll bang the pool guy, then get a pre-nup. She'll work hard, you'll work hard and you'll never have to worry about handing over half of everything that you've earned.
Give it a while before you put out, but not forever. It takes me about 2-3 months of practice pretty much everyday in order to make something into a habit. If I want to do this new thing into the long term, then I'll need 2-3 months of doing it over and over in order to make it stick. I don't know if that's how long you need to wait to put out, but it couldn't hurt. I want to be in love and have that relationship that fulfills me. So I'm really turned off of girls that put out too easily. I've also had several STD scares which have made me paranoid. What I'm saying here is that if I were to go out with a chick now, and she didn't put out for 2-3 months of consistent dating, I would've have given up on the 3rd date.
My lack of willpower would be the reason for this and to the girl that doesn't want to put out that soon, congrats, you'll find a better man than me. One day, when I grow up and learn to control myself and not be such a freak when it comes to the old in-n-out, perhaps I'll be able to take my own advice and end up in love. Who knows? I'll need at least 2-3 months of practicing being a good person before that could realistically be achieved.
Don't be an alcoholic or a drug addict. If you are one of these two things then look forward to my next big The Answers project, How to Be a Whore. Bit of a spoiler alert, nobody really wants to be a whore, male or female. You just kind of end up there because of trauma, mental health, a dark past that had no dark jokes to alleviate some of the pain. You get the picture. So, if you're addicted to alcohol, which is a drug, then get help. If you're addicted to another less well branded and publicly available drug, then email me your experience with the drug and where I can get some. Then, get some help.
Don't be psychotically religious, that shit is scary. Being addicted to your religion makes you somehow less rational than the worst meth addict. They aren't physically capable of distinguishing the difference between what is real and what is not. But the psychotically religious person simply chooses, in perfect health mind you, to not distinguish between what is real and what is not. So, have your religion but don't quote entire passages from your book within the first hour that we know each other. That will creep me out and I'll certainly write you into one of my dark jokes.
Don't have a terribly traumatic backstory that you go out of your way to tell everyone. This might be that you used to be a drug/alcohol/religion addict until you read my post "How to get a Boyfriend." Yes, this very post. You went and got help and changed for the better and you've been in the clear ever since. Only thing, you can't go on more than one date with every guy that you meet. It's because you keep telling them about all the trauma that lead up to your life altering epiphany, that moment when you read "How to get a Boyfriend" by the Comedy Apprentice. (Oh yeah baby) Well, stop doing that. I'm glad, we're glad, the whole world is glad that you got your life together. But nobody wants to feel like they will be inheriting all that shit if they get with you. So, save it for the 1st month anniversary or whatever.
That's pretty much it, if you follow these steps, you will certainly learn how to get a boyfriend. I'm glad that I could be of service. Stay tuned to Comedy Apprentice for all my dark jokes, short jokes and my dark humor. All my jokes are short unless there is a good reason for making them long. So, there is that. And yeah, thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
Be available. This could mean, don't already have a boyfriend in the first place. If I were answering that question, this post would be titled: "How to get a bit on the side." I'm saying don't make yourself too scarce. You should be in public enough that people can get to know you. It's hard to fall for someone that you aren't sure really exists. Unless you're on that show Catfished on MTV. My sister introduced me to that show a while back. I might have referenced that pivotal moment in my personal history before but I'm referencing it again because just like your grandpa, I love repeating myself.
Don't be judgmental. By today's moral standards, merely being a minority or woman is enough of a moral pass to allow you to go around judging everyone. Well, that's a bunch of bullshit and if you want a real man then you won't believe that. If you find a man that says he believes in that shit then you can expect to take a few drunken right hooks from him a couple years down the road. He lives the way he does because he's ashamed of himself before even doing anything wrong. He acts like he is responsible for all the bad things that have happened in the past. In order for all those things to add up in his head, he has to blast you in the face ever so often. Just so his world makes sense. This post is about "how to get a boyfriend, isn't it?" You might ask. Well yes, but it's a complex issue, I need to cover all my bases.
Don't be a stupid cunt. Yeah, this pretty much has to do with the last paragraph. I'm repeating it here because it's vital for getting a good boyfriend. That's not in the title of this post, but why would you want a bad boyfriend? You want to eventually marry a good man right? Or at the very least have a long term dating relationship with a good man, right? That's if you object to marriage, and honestly I don't blame you if you do. It's a pretty hard sell, no matter what your beliefs are.
Don't be a huge ass whore. This doesn't have anything to do with the actual size of your ass. This has everything to do with how many guys you have sucked off while you pretended to care about education for down syndrome kids while you were in your undergrad studies. We all now knew that your passion was for sucking off frat guys and not for teaching the disabled. This is because you dropped out of your studies but continued sucking off frat guys. I wonder if you'd suck off a retarded frat guy? Hmmm... now that is a puzzler.
Be able to communicate with others. Be able to talk to everyone. Not just your clique, not just your family, not just the people you go to work/church with. Be able to converse. Don't be too scared to talk with strangers or people that you think look strange when you are with a group of friends that will look out for you. Which brings me to another point, always go out with a group. If a guy is too scared to approach you when you're with your friends then he might be a rapist. I don't know if there is any evidence to support that, but there is plenty of evidence that this particular topic makes it into my dark jokes all the time. If you only have the confidence to talk to women when they are alone, that to me seems like your goal is to make them into a victim.
Know what you're looking for in a man or be willing to experiment. This boils down to experience. Don't put out. There are, in some circles, a majority of men that only want to hang around until there is some poon being served up. After that, they bounce. But it's for the better for both people if they become romantic friends, lovers, then married or long term family unit type shit. If you're a guy and you're worried that in 20 years she'll bang the pool guy, then get a pre-nup. She'll work hard, you'll work hard and you'll never have to worry about handing over half of everything that you've earned.
Give it a while before you put out, but not forever. It takes me about 2-3 months of practice pretty much everyday in order to make something into a habit. If I want to do this new thing into the long term, then I'll need 2-3 months of doing it over and over in order to make it stick. I don't know if that's how long you need to wait to put out, but it couldn't hurt. I want to be in love and have that relationship that fulfills me. So I'm really turned off of girls that put out too easily. I've also had several STD scares which have made me paranoid. What I'm saying here is that if I were to go out with a chick now, and she didn't put out for 2-3 months of consistent dating, I would've have given up on the 3rd date.
My lack of willpower would be the reason for this and to the girl that doesn't want to put out that soon, congrats, you'll find a better man than me. One day, when I grow up and learn to control myself and not be such a freak when it comes to the old in-n-out, perhaps I'll be able to take my own advice and end up in love. Who knows? I'll need at least 2-3 months of practicing being a good person before that could realistically be achieved.
Don't be an alcoholic or a drug addict. If you are one of these two things then look forward to my next big The Answers project, How to Be a Whore. Bit of a spoiler alert, nobody really wants to be a whore, male or female. You just kind of end up there because of trauma, mental health, a dark past that had no dark jokes to alleviate some of the pain. You get the picture. So, if you're addicted to alcohol, which is a drug, then get help. If you're addicted to another less well branded and publicly available drug, then email me your experience with the drug and where I can get some. Then, get some help.
Don't be psychotically religious, that shit is scary. Being addicted to your religion makes you somehow less rational than the worst meth addict. They aren't physically capable of distinguishing the difference between what is real and what is not. But the psychotically religious person simply chooses, in perfect health mind you, to not distinguish between what is real and what is not. So, have your religion but don't quote entire passages from your book within the first hour that we know each other. That will creep me out and I'll certainly write you into one of my dark jokes.
Don't have a terribly traumatic backstory that you go out of your way to tell everyone. This might be that you used to be a drug/alcohol/religion addict until you read my post "How to get a Boyfriend." Yes, this very post. You went and got help and changed for the better and you've been in the clear ever since. Only thing, you can't go on more than one date with every guy that you meet. It's because you keep telling them about all the trauma that lead up to your life altering epiphany, that moment when you read "How to get a Boyfriend" by the Comedy Apprentice. (Oh yeah baby) Well, stop doing that. I'm glad, we're glad, the whole world is glad that you got your life together. But nobody wants to feel like they will be inheriting all that shit if they get with you. So, save it for the 1st month anniversary or whatever.
That's pretty much it, if you follow these steps, you will certainly learn how to get a boyfriend. I'm glad that I could be of service. Stay tuned to Comedy Apprentice for all my dark jokes, short jokes and my dark humor. All my jokes are short unless there is a good reason for making them long. So, there is that. And yeah, thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
Jokes: 11 Short Jokes That Reflect the Inner Machinations of our World
Here are 11 of the finest short jokes that I could muster one evening before work. Please enjoy and share them with your friends!
Earning a college degree teaches you how to be a manager with non answers.
Trusting pimp let's girls do their own bookkeeping.
Community focused combat vet eager to show off ear collection taken from enemies.
Reformed college sex addict teaching couples how to "slut it up" in their relationships. One of her reviews said that she was "Very hands on. More than willing to show us exactly what to do." Some are concerned that this behavior might be triggering for the former education major but she insists "This is not a setup for a three way."
Health conscious drug dealer assures clients "relapse is a part of recovery."
Reviews are mixed for the secret novel that took everyone by surprise, "11 Rules of Great Parenting by Charles Manson."
Obvious traumatic brain injury sufferer President Donald Trump dismisses severity of brain injuries.
Facebook cozy room photo liker and blogger Martha Dimwittie found to be a closeted anarchist after she retweet a post about living without rules or limitations.
Racist coronavirus only killing Asians so far. Social justice advocates volunteer others for possible expansion project in the name of equality.
Former drug addicts explain that prison time helped them get clean contradicting dick headed Criminology professor who doesn't actually know anything.
"Success is much easier to borrow from parents" -2nd generation wealth
Enjoy these short jokes and share them with all your friends!
Earning a college degree teaches you how to be a manager with non answers.
Trusting pimp let's girls do their own bookkeeping.
Community focused combat vet eager to show off ear collection taken from enemies.
Reformed college sex addict teaching couples how to "slut it up" in their relationships. One of her reviews said that she was "Very hands on. More than willing to show us exactly what to do." Some are concerned that this behavior might be triggering for the former education major but she insists "This is not a setup for a three way."
Health conscious drug dealer assures clients "relapse is a part of recovery."
Reviews are mixed for the secret novel that took everyone by surprise, "11 Rules of Great Parenting by Charles Manson."
Obvious traumatic brain injury sufferer President Donald Trump dismisses severity of brain injuries.
Facebook cozy room photo liker and blogger Martha Dimwittie found to be a closeted anarchist after she retweet a post about living without rules or limitations.
Racist coronavirus only killing Asians so far. Social justice advocates volunteer others for possible expansion project in the name of equality.
Former drug addicts explain that prison time helped them get clean contradicting dick headed Criminology professor who doesn't actually know anything.
"Success is much easier to borrow from parents" -2nd generation wealth
Enjoy these short jokes and share them with all your friends!
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