Assisted Suicide Inc. is offering new flavors of bleach to make your last drink delicious.
Spent the last 2-3 hours laying in bed wanting to get up and be very funny. Technically, this sentence took about 3 hours to write. It's good for somebody that I don't charge by the hour.
Sleep addict reports feeling rested. Family worries this is a sign of relapse.
Philandering cat lady makes home wi-fi password Pusslord.
Open minded hobo sex addict giving up fingering for thumbing rides.
Judging from the black eye on my neighbor they are a swinging couple with only one swinger.
Lumbering giant monster found scaring people in the dark on local college campus. Turns out it was a 6'5 autistic man dressed as a hedgehog.
Our first joke was one of the finest dark jokes in all the land. If Dark Souls were a 2hr long comedy special, that joke would've been about a bleach filled estus flask or something. These short jokes with hints of dark humor are fun to write and even more fun to share. So send them out to anyone you can. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
Shot Glass Thought: Where is My Life Going?
This was the topic of discussion for me and two good friends of mine. I had pretty much the same conversation on two separate occasions recently. The two friends which I love very much do not know each other and they weren't present for both conversations. Only I was there for both conversations about the meaning and purpose of a life. It is my opinion that our greatest accomplishments and contributions are reflections of our souls. To secure these powerful accomplishments, we must look for the thing that only we can contribute.
If I am to live a full life, one that can send me to my dying day with no regrets, then I must find the one thing that only I can perfectly do. I must be transcendent in my accomplishment in this regard. There is nothing else in my life that is as important as this singular task. Sometimes, people find more than one of these kinds of tasks. Some people are so great that they can complete multiple life defining tasks. All that I know that I must do right now is this: "Austin brought joy to the world." That's what I see as my mission. I cannot unsee this task and I don't want to have something else. I find that this mission is perfectly suitable and I believe that I am up to the task of completing it.
There are many issues and problems of various different natures that make completing these tasks difficult. One of them is having enough money. Maybe I'm not good enough at the skills that are required to complete my task at a transcendent level. Maybe I have a drinking problem, or I'm too depressed. There are many obstacles. Maybe I won't make it to the heights that I am supposed to achieve. But when I go to die, I will have loved wisdom. I will have brought joy to those that I could. I will have loved and been loved. My contributions will have been the results of my best efforts however short I may fall from completing the task. Or maybe I will be a resounding success. I cannot know these things because they are final. I am operating in the space of what will happen and not what has happened.
If I can, with all that I am, be able to bring joy to the world. I do mean the entire world. To get laughs in every country around the world. To put smiles on the faces of the downtrodden, I will have realized my mission and completed it. Whatever monetary rewards should follow from such a feat will be secondary. Perhaps I will die before I ever see the rewards of such a task. This does not matter because bringing joy to others will have been my mission and in that I will have been fulfilled. If I should see it done and draw my last breath, I will be a happy man. Come what may, this is where my life is going.
If I am to live a full life, one that can send me to my dying day with no regrets, then I must find the one thing that only I can perfectly do. I must be transcendent in my accomplishment in this regard. There is nothing else in my life that is as important as this singular task. Sometimes, people find more than one of these kinds of tasks. Some people are so great that they can complete multiple life defining tasks. All that I know that I must do right now is this: "Austin brought joy to the world." That's what I see as my mission. I cannot unsee this task and I don't want to have something else. I find that this mission is perfectly suitable and I believe that I am up to the task of completing it.
There are many issues and problems of various different natures that make completing these tasks difficult. One of them is having enough money. Maybe I'm not good enough at the skills that are required to complete my task at a transcendent level. Maybe I have a drinking problem, or I'm too depressed. There are many obstacles. Maybe I won't make it to the heights that I am supposed to achieve. But when I go to die, I will have loved wisdom. I will have brought joy to those that I could. I will have loved and been loved. My contributions will have been the results of my best efforts however short I may fall from completing the task. Or maybe I will be a resounding success. I cannot know these things because they are final. I am operating in the space of what will happen and not what has happened.
If I can, with all that I am, be able to bring joy to the world. I do mean the entire world. To get laughs in every country around the world. To put smiles on the faces of the downtrodden, I will have realized my mission and completed it. Whatever monetary rewards should follow from such a feat will be secondary. Perhaps I will die before I ever see the rewards of such a task. This does not matter because bringing joy to others will have been my mission and in that I will have been fulfilled. If I should see it done and draw my last breath, I will be a happy man. Come what may, this is where my life is going.
The Answers: How to get a Boyfriend
Believe you me, as a man, I've never been asked this question. Nobody and I mean nobody has ever called out in public "Yonder bald headed, bearded fat man, how do I get a boyfriend?". Just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean that I'm not fully prepared to contribute some life changing advice for how to get a boyfriend. I might also mention that I'm not gay, so I don't have experience in the getting of a boyfriend. But I do have experience in being the boyfriend that was got. For me, that's more than enough expertise to justify making this post.
Be available. This could mean, don't already have a boyfriend in the first place. If I were answering that question, this post would be titled: "How to get a bit on the side." I'm saying don't make yourself too scarce. You should be in public enough that people can get to know you. It's hard to fall for someone that you aren't sure really exists. Unless you're on that show Catfished on MTV. My sister introduced me to that show a while back. I might have referenced that pivotal moment in my personal history before but I'm referencing it again because just like your grandpa, I love repeating myself.
Don't be judgmental. By today's moral standards, merely being a minority or woman is enough of a moral pass to allow you to go around judging everyone. Well, that's a bunch of bullshit and if you want a real man then you won't believe that. If you find a man that says he believes in that shit then you can expect to take a few drunken right hooks from him a couple years down the road. He lives the way he does because he's ashamed of himself before even doing anything wrong. He acts like he is responsible for all the bad things that have happened in the past. In order for all those things to add up in his head, he has to blast you in the face ever so often. Just so his world makes sense. This post is about "how to get a boyfriend, isn't it?" You might ask. Well yes, but it's a complex issue, I need to cover all my bases.
Don't be a stupid cunt. Yeah, this pretty much has to do with the last paragraph. I'm repeating it here because it's vital for getting a good boyfriend. That's not in the title of this post, but why would you want a bad boyfriend? You want to eventually marry a good man right? Or at the very least have a long term dating relationship with a good man, right? That's if you object to marriage, and honestly I don't blame you if you do. It's a pretty hard sell, no matter what your beliefs are.
Don't be a huge ass whore. This doesn't have anything to do with the actual size of your ass. This has everything to do with how many guys you have sucked off while you pretended to care about education for down syndrome kids while you were in your undergrad studies. We all now knew that your passion was for sucking off frat guys and not for teaching the disabled. This is because you dropped out of your studies but continued sucking off frat guys. I wonder if you'd suck off a retarded frat guy? Hmmm... now that is a puzzler.
Be able to communicate with others. Be able to talk to everyone. Not just your clique, not just your family, not just the people you go to work/church with. Be able to converse. Don't be too scared to talk with strangers or people that you think look strange when you are with a group of friends that will look out for you. Which brings me to another point, always go out with a group. If a guy is too scared to approach you when you're with your friends then he might be a rapist. I don't know if there is any evidence to support that, but there is plenty of evidence that this particular topic makes it into my dark jokes all the time. If you only have the confidence to talk to women when they are alone, that to me seems like your goal is to make them into a victim.
Know what you're looking for in a man or be willing to experiment. This boils down to experience. Don't put out. There are, in some circles, a majority of men that only want to hang around until there is some poon being served up. After that, they bounce. But it's for the better for both people if they become romantic friends, lovers, then married or long term family unit type shit. If you're a guy and you're worried that in 20 years she'll bang the pool guy, then get a pre-nup. She'll work hard, you'll work hard and you'll never have to worry about handing over half of everything that you've earned.
Give it a while before you put out, but not forever. It takes me about 2-3 months of practice pretty much everyday in order to make something into a habit. If I want to do this new thing into the long term, then I'll need 2-3 months of doing it over and over in order to make it stick. I don't know if that's how long you need to wait to put out, but it couldn't hurt. I want to be in love and have that relationship that fulfills me. So I'm really turned off of girls that put out too easily. I've also had several STD scares which have made me paranoid. What I'm saying here is that if I were to go out with a chick now, and she didn't put out for 2-3 months of consistent dating, I would've have given up on the 3rd date.
My lack of willpower would be the reason for this and to the girl that doesn't want to put out that soon, congrats, you'll find a better man than me. One day, when I grow up and learn to control myself and not be such a freak when it comes to the old in-n-out, perhaps I'll be able to take my own advice and end up in love. Who knows? I'll need at least 2-3 months of practicing being a good person before that could realistically be achieved.
Don't be an alcoholic or a drug addict. If you are one of these two things then look forward to my next big The Answers project, How to Be a Whore. Bit of a spoiler alert, nobody really wants to be a whore, male or female. You just kind of end up there because of trauma, mental health, a dark past that had no dark jokes to alleviate some of the pain. You get the picture. So, if you're addicted to alcohol, which is a drug, then get help. If you're addicted to another less well branded and publicly available drug, then email me your experience with the drug and where I can get some. Then, get some help.
Don't be psychotically religious, that shit is scary. Being addicted to your religion makes you somehow less rational than the worst meth addict. They aren't physically capable of distinguishing the difference between what is real and what is not. But the psychotically religious person simply chooses, in perfect health mind you, to not distinguish between what is real and what is not. So, have your religion but don't quote entire passages from your book within the first hour that we know each other. That will creep me out and I'll certainly write you into one of my dark jokes.
Don't have a terribly traumatic backstory that you go out of your way to tell everyone. This might be that you used to be a drug/alcohol/religion addict until you read my post "How to get a Boyfriend." Yes, this very post. You went and got help and changed for the better and you've been in the clear ever since. Only thing, you can't go on more than one date with every guy that you meet. It's because you keep telling them about all the trauma that lead up to your life altering epiphany, that moment when you read "How to get a Boyfriend" by the Comedy Apprentice. (Oh yeah baby) Well, stop doing that. I'm glad, we're glad, the whole world is glad that you got your life together. But nobody wants to feel like they will be inheriting all that shit if they get with you. So, save it for the 1st month anniversary or whatever.
That's pretty much it, if you follow these steps, you will certainly learn how to get a boyfriend. I'm glad that I could be of service. Stay tuned to Comedy Apprentice for all my dark jokes, short jokes and my dark humor. All my jokes are short unless there is a good reason for making them long. So, there is that. And yeah, thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
Be available. This could mean, don't already have a boyfriend in the first place. If I were answering that question, this post would be titled: "How to get a bit on the side." I'm saying don't make yourself too scarce. You should be in public enough that people can get to know you. It's hard to fall for someone that you aren't sure really exists. Unless you're on that show Catfished on MTV. My sister introduced me to that show a while back. I might have referenced that pivotal moment in my personal history before but I'm referencing it again because just like your grandpa, I love repeating myself.
Don't be judgmental. By today's moral standards, merely being a minority or woman is enough of a moral pass to allow you to go around judging everyone. Well, that's a bunch of bullshit and if you want a real man then you won't believe that. If you find a man that says he believes in that shit then you can expect to take a few drunken right hooks from him a couple years down the road. He lives the way he does because he's ashamed of himself before even doing anything wrong. He acts like he is responsible for all the bad things that have happened in the past. In order for all those things to add up in his head, he has to blast you in the face ever so often. Just so his world makes sense. This post is about "how to get a boyfriend, isn't it?" You might ask. Well yes, but it's a complex issue, I need to cover all my bases.
Don't be a stupid cunt. Yeah, this pretty much has to do with the last paragraph. I'm repeating it here because it's vital for getting a good boyfriend. That's not in the title of this post, but why would you want a bad boyfriend? You want to eventually marry a good man right? Or at the very least have a long term dating relationship with a good man, right? That's if you object to marriage, and honestly I don't blame you if you do. It's a pretty hard sell, no matter what your beliefs are.
Don't be a huge ass whore. This doesn't have anything to do with the actual size of your ass. This has everything to do with how many guys you have sucked off while you pretended to care about education for down syndrome kids while you were in your undergrad studies. We all now knew that your passion was for sucking off frat guys and not for teaching the disabled. This is because you dropped out of your studies but continued sucking off frat guys. I wonder if you'd suck off a retarded frat guy? Hmmm... now that is a puzzler.
Be able to communicate with others. Be able to talk to everyone. Not just your clique, not just your family, not just the people you go to work/church with. Be able to converse. Don't be too scared to talk with strangers or people that you think look strange when you are with a group of friends that will look out for you. Which brings me to another point, always go out with a group. If a guy is too scared to approach you when you're with your friends then he might be a rapist. I don't know if there is any evidence to support that, but there is plenty of evidence that this particular topic makes it into my dark jokes all the time. If you only have the confidence to talk to women when they are alone, that to me seems like your goal is to make them into a victim.
Know what you're looking for in a man or be willing to experiment. This boils down to experience. Don't put out. There are, in some circles, a majority of men that only want to hang around until there is some poon being served up. After that, they bounce. But it's for the better for both people if they become romantic friends, lovers, then married or long term family unit type shit. If you're a guy and you're worried that in 20 years she'll bang the pool guy, then get a pre-nup. She'll work hard, you'll work hard and you'll never have to worry about handing over half of everything that you've earned.
Give it a while before you put out, but not forever. It takes me about 2-3 months of practice pretty much everyday in order to make something into a habit. If I want to do this new thing into the long term, then I'll need 2-3 months of doing it over and over in order to make it stick. I don't know if that's how long you need to wait to put out, but it couldn't hurt. I want to be in love and have that relationship that fulfills me. So I'm really turned off of girls that put out too easily. I've also had several STD scares which have made me paranoid. What I'm saying here is that if I were to go out with a chick now, and she didn't put out for 2-3 months of consistent dating, I would've have given up on the 3rd date.
My lack of willpower would be the reason for this and to the girl that doesn't want to put out that soon, congrats, you'll find a better man than me. One day, when I grow up and learn to control myself and not be such a freak when it comes to the old in-n-out, perhaps I'll be able to take my own advice and end up in love. Who knows? I'll need at least 2-3 months of practicing being a good person before that could realistically be achieved.
Don't be an alcoholic or a drug addict. If you are one of these two things then look forward to my next big The Answers project, How to Be a Whore. Bit of a spoiler alert, nobody really wants to be a whore, male or female. You just kind of end up there because of trauma, mental health, a dark past that had no dark jokes to alleviate some of the pain. You get the picture. So, if you're addicted to alcohol, which is a drug, then get help. If you're addicted to another less well branded and publicly available drug, then email me your experience with the drug and where I can get some. Then, get some help.
Don't be psychotically religious, that shit is scary. Being addicted to your religion makes you somehow less rational than the worst meth addict. They aren't physically capable of distinguishing the difference between what is real and what is not. But the psychotically religious person simply chooses, in perfect health mind you, to not distinguish between what is real and what is not. So, have your religion but don't quote entire passages from your book within the first hour that we know each other. That will creep me out and I'll certainly write you into one of my dark jokes.
Don't have a terribly traumatic backstory that you go out of your way to tell everyone. This might be that you used to be a drug/alcohol/religion addict until you read my post "How to get a Boyfriend." Yes, this very post. You went and got help and changed for the better and you've been in the clear ever since. Only thing, you can't go on more than one date with every guy that you meet. It's because you keep telling them about all the trauma that lead up to your life altering epiphany, that moment when you read "How to get a Boyfriend" by the Comedy Apprentice. (Oh yeah baby) Well, stop doing that. I'm glad, we're glad, the whole world is glad that you got your life together. But nobody wants to feel like they will be inheriting all that shit if they get with you. So, save it for the 1st month anniversary or whatever.
That's pretty much it, if you follow these steps, you will certainly learn how to get a boyfriend. I'm glad that I could be of service. Stay tuned to Comedy Apprentice for all my dark jokes, short jokes and my dark humor. All my jokes are short unless there is a good reason for making them long. So, there is that. And yeah, thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
Jokes: 11 Short Jokes That Reflect the Inner Machinations of our World
Here are 11 of the finest short jokes that I could muster one evening before work. Please enjoy and share them with your friends!
Earning a college degree teaches you how to be a manager with non answers.
Trusting pimp let's girls do their own bookkeeping.
Community focused combat vet eager to show off ear collection taken from enemies.
Reformed college sex addict teaching couples how to "slut it up" in their relationships. One of her reviews said that she was "Very hands on. More than willing to show us exactly what to do." Some are concerned that this behavior might be triggering for the former education major but she insists "This is not a setup for a three way."
Health conscious drug dealer assures clients "relapse is a part of recovery."
Reviews are mixed for the secret novel that took everyone by surprise, "11 Rules of Great Parenting by Charles Manson."
Obvious traumatic brain injury sufferer President Donald Trump dismisses severity of brain injuries.
Facebook cozy room photo liker and blogger Martha Dimwittie found to be a closeted anarchist after she retweet a post about living without rules or limitations.
Racist coronavirus only killing Asians so far. Social justice advocates volunteer others for possible expansion project in the name of equality.
Former drug addicts explain that prison time helped them get clean contradicting dick headed Criminology professor who doesn't actually know anything.
"Success is much easier to borrow from parents" -2nd generation wealth
Enjoy these short jokes and share them with all your friends!
Earning a college degree teaches you how to be a manager with non answers.
Trusting pimp let's girls do their own bookkeeping.
Community focused combat vet eager to show off ear collection taken from enemies.
Reformed college sex addict teaching couples how to "slut it up" in their relationships. One of her reviews said that she was "Very hands on. More than willing to show us exactly what to do." Some are concerned that this behavior might be triggering for the former education major but she insists "This is not a setup for a three way."
Health conscious drug dealer assures clients "relapse is a part of recovery."
Reviews are mixed for the secret novel that took everyone by surprise, "11 Rules of Great Parenting by Charles Manson."
Obvious traumatic brain injury sufferer President Donald Trump dismisses severity of brain injuries.
Facebook cozy room photo liker and blogger Martha Dimwittie found to be a closeted anarchist after she retweet a post about living without rules or limitations.
Racist coronavirus only killing Asians so far. Social justice advocates volunteer others for possible expansion project in the name of equality.
Former drug addicts explain that prison time helped them get clean contradicting dick headed Criminology professor who doesn't actually know anything.
"Success is much easier to borrow from parents" -2nd generation wealth
Enjoy these short jokes and share them with all your friends!
Jokes: 12 Jokes, All Short, Some Dark
It's a good thing I learned to touch type because I'm writing this while I'm blind drunk. Couldn't manually spell check this thing even if I wanted to.
It's gonna be a while before I'll be able to make any videos. My setup is glitched and I've gotta wait for somebody smarter than me to fix it. This isn't really a joke, I just think it's funny that my operation can be so easily derailed.
Punk geologist prefers to rock out. ( I know, I know. But I love this joke anyway.)
Low self esteem trash pile thinks he's down in the dumps.
Innocent Lion sentenced to 20 years in solitary confinement with gawking tourists as his only interaction.
Obviously mentally ill man entertains delusion of leaving a positive impact on the world.
Phone-ee friends never prefer text messages. Talking more personal. (I love phone calls.)
I went to the store to get some toilet paper, deodorant and some ready made frozen biscuits. But I ended up at the liquor store. So, honestly, I don't know where I went.
Lustful organ harvesters want me for my body.
Loose lipped twink popular in prison.
If you're ate up with Hell, you know the Devil has sharp teeth.
Love letter to earthquake quotes AC-DC, "You shook me all night long."
Dreamy trucker asleep at the wheel again.
Blind new guy getting a feel for the office.
Keep clicking my new posts if you want more short jokes and more dark jokes. Don't forget, you can experience my dark humor every day. That's because I post every single day! What's better than that? I can't think of anything. Stay tuned and cheers!
It's gonna be a while before I'll be able to make any videos. My setup is glitched and I've gotta wait for somebody smarter than me to fix it. This isn't really a joke, I just think it's funny that my operation can be so easily derailed.
Punk geologist prefers to rock out. ( I know, I know. But I love this joke anyway.)
Low self esteem trash pile thinks he's down in the dumps.
Innocent Lion sentenced to 20 years in solitary confinement with gawking tourists as his only interaction.
Obviously mentally ill man entertains delusion of leaving a positive impact on the world.
Phone-ee friends never prefer text messages. Talking more personal. (I love phone calls.)
I went to the store to get some toilet paper, deodorant and some ready made frozen biscuits. But I ended up at the liquor store. So, honestly, I don't know where I went.
Lustful organ harvesters want me for my body.
Loose lipped twink popular in prison.
If you're ate up with Hell, you know the Devil has sharp teeth.
Love letter to earthquake quotes AC-DC, "You shook me all night long."
Dreamy trucker asleep at the wheel again.
Blind new guy getting a feel for the office.
Keep clicking my new posts if you want more short jokes and more dark jokes. Don't forget, you can experience my dark humor every day. That's because I post every single day! What's better than that? I can't think of anything. Stay tuned and cheers!
Comedy Apprentice Contributor: Cooter Dwyane Delmonty Introduction
Howdy yall, I'm Cooter Dwyane Delmonty. Lotta people call me CD. You can always catch ole CD on the CB if you know what I mean. I read Comedy Apprentice for the dark humor, dark jokes and the short jokes. Sometimes the fellar that runs this website can get a bit long winded but I ain't gonna hold that against him. My preacher on Sunday gets mighty long winded too and that don't make me stop going to church.
I drive a truck for a living. I like football and beer! I remember the good old days when I was running the football for the Murphy Bulldogs of Murphy NC. There was no shortage of big strong guys piling on top of my back with all their strength. Man those were the days. If only I could go back into them days and introduce my buddies to Mimosas. I can't think of anything more relaxing after a long, hard fought game than a couple of sweet, bubbly drinks for me and all the boys.
I work hard boys, so my flannel shirts and my truck cabin can really take a beating. That's why I'm fortunate to have had my Mammaw teach me how to sew. I'm also fortunate to have Pinterest. I mean, where else could I find such awesome step by step tutorials for stitching patterns into the ceiling of my truck cabin? I made the coolest kaleidoscope lookin' pattern up there. It's an awesome website man. I followed a step by step tutorial for installing light reflectors on my boots. Some people call it bedazzlin' but I see the practical use of the glimmering lights. I tell ya, much as the boys at work may make fun of me, I sure ain't had my toes stepped on recently.
I wish I had me a wife and kids to come home to but that ain't happened yet. I ain't no good with the women. I meet em', take em' to the spa and we get our nails done together. I treat em' to the nicest bottle of sparkling Rose' that I can afford and then they tell me they just want to be "glam fam" with me when I make my move. I still ain't sure what that means, but I won't give up on em'. There's one out there for me just like there is for everyone out there.
So, that's all there is to know about me pretty much. I met this here Comedy Apprentice fellar when I saw him do stand-up at an open mic in a truck stop on the outskirts of Asheville, NC. I tried to buy him a Mimosa but he said he likes Moscow Mules. We drank and hung out for a bit. He thought I would have some funny stories to share with all yall. So I figure I'll write a few up for ya ever now and again. Thankee Comedy Apprentice for takin' me on and thanks to all yall that read this here piece. Take care and be good yall. CD out!
I drive a truck for a living. I like football and beer! I remember the good old days when I was running the football for the Murphy Bulldogs of Murphy NC. There was no shortage of big strong guys piling on top of my back with all their strength. Man those were the days. If only I could go back into them days and introduce my buddies to Mimosas. I can't think of anything more relaxing after a long, hard fought game than a couple of sweet, bubbly drinks for me and all the boys.
I work hard boys, so my flannel shirts and my truck cabin can really take a beating. That's why I'm fortunate to have had my Mammaw teach me how to sew. I'm also fortunate to have Pinterest. I mean, where else could I find such awesome step by step tutorials for stitching patterns into the ceiling of my truck cabin? I made the coolest kaleidoscope lookin' pattern up there. It's an awesome website man. I followed a step by step tutorial for installing light reflectors on my boots. Some people call it bedazzlin' but I see the practical use of the glimmering lights. I tell ya, much as the boys at work may make fun of me, I sure ain't had my toes stepped on recently.
I wish I had me a wife and kids to come home to but that ain't happened yet. I ain't no good with the women. I meet em', take em' to the spa and we get our nails done together. I treat em' to the nicest bottle of sparkling Rose' that I can afford and then they tell me they just want to be "glam fam" with me when I make my move. I still ain't sure what that means, but I won't give up on em'. There's one out there for me just like there is for everyone out there.
So, that's all there is to know about me pretty much. I met this here Comedy Apprentice fellar when I saw him do stand-up at an open mic in a truck stop on the outskirts of Asheville, NC. I tried to buy him a Mimosa but he said he likes Moscow Mules. We drank and hung out for a bit. He thought I would have some funny stories to share with all yall. So I figure I'll write a few up for ya ever now and again. Thankee Comedy Apprentice for takin' me on and thanks to all yall that read this here piece. Take care and be good yall. CD out!
Jokes:8 Short Jokes Delivered With Your Own Incomparable Gusto!
So, I'm writing a lot of jokes only posts lately. I have the most fun writing those posts. But they don't have a very large word count or a bunch of keywords. So they won't kick ass at search engine optimization. This is why I need everybody who reads these things to share them on social media. If you all do that, then your friends will get a chuckle and I'll be able to make it big. Win-win baby, so share these posts on your social media.
Full disclosure, if you share my shit with your family and friends there is a good chance that you'll be ostracized. I make fun of everyone especially all of us ghostly looking honkies.
Here's a modified version of a joke from the funniest man of all time: "Quitting drinking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." The original joke was from Mark Twain and it read: "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." Isn't that amazing that he wrote a joke that was so timeless that it could get laughs even today? I never knew how much I really loved that guy till I started studying comedy writing.
Cancer fan takes up smoking to fulfill lifelong dream.
Anti-teeth man takes up dipping to lessen his chewing potential.
Cigar enthusiast doesn't "need all of his mouth."
Local man breaks record for most inappropriate messages sent while eating chicken biscuits and drinking coconut flavored cocktails.
That last one was just a true account of my life.
I'd believe in myself if my toaster would let me.
I'd take out the trash if my toaster would stop telling me that there are government agents waiting for me to fall into that trap.
Apparently, government agents are the ones would made cheesy eggs last night and made a mess of the whole kitchen and not me. What a bunch of assholes. I could have cooked if you just asked. Let's sit down and have meals together like the family that we are.
I recently updated my review of Red Steel from 2006 on the Nintendo Wii. Click here to check it out:https://www.comedyapprentice.com/2019/09/video-game-review-my-love-will-go-on.html. I love this game and the review. So check it out homie!
I didn't spell check this because I'm hammered. Please forgive if there are some mistakes. If this message is still here when this thing goes up then know that I meant to make it back to check lol.
Full disclosure, if you share my shit with your family and friends there is a good chance that you'll be ostracized. I make fun of everyone especially all of us ghostly looking honkies.
Here's a modified version of a joke from the funniest man of all time: "Quitting drinking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." The original joke was from Mark Twain and it read: "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." Isn't that amazing that he wrote a joke that was so timeless that it could get laughs even today? I never knew how much I really loved that guy till I started studying comedy writing.
Cancer fan takes up smoking to fulfill lifelong dream.
Anti-teeth man takes up dipping to lessen his chewing potential.
Cigar enthusiast doesn't "need all of his mouth."
Local man breaks record for most inappropriate messages sent while eating chicken biscuits and drinking coconut flavored cocktails.
That last one was just a true account of my life.
I'd believe in myself if my toaster would let me.
I'd take out the trash if my toaster would stop telling me that there are government agents waiting for me to fall into that trap.
Apparently, government agents are the ones would made cheesy eggs last night and made a mess of the whole kitchen and not me. What a bunch of assholes. I could have cooked if you just asked. Let's sit down and have meals together like the family that we are.
I recently updated my review of Red Steel from 2006 on the Nintendo Wii. Click here to check it out:https://www.comedyapprentice.com/2019/09/video-game-review-my-love-will-go-on.html. I love this game and the review. So check it out homie!
I didn't spell check this because I'm hammered. Please forgive if there are some mistakes. If this message is still here when this thing goes up then know that I meant to make it back to check lol.
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