Country music was designed so that you would have something to listen to when you're drinking by yourself.
For the people that don't recommend drinking alone, well I don't recommend drinking at all. But I know that I will be.
If I don't drink, how will I know to drink water to stay hydrated?
If I don't have hangover headaches, then who will visit with the cashier in the pharmacy at Wal-Mart?
If I stop drinking will my memory of my shitty past come back? Well that's not exactly a positive incentive there cowboy.
I called you a cowboy in that last joke because I always listen to country music when I'm drinking. Which is also the reason why I can remember most of the words to country music songs. Not all of them though, nobody has a memory that good.
I'd rather stay home and drink than go out and meet my soul mate. I think I'll know my soul mate when she staggers over to my bar stool and calls me a name that ain't mine.
I used ain't in that last joke because I'm listening to country music while I drink and write.
If you're wondering why I'm drinking and listening to country music while I'm writing, it's because I want to keep posting, but I don't have one creative thought to express. In a situation like that, you need the only medicine that makes it impossible for you to shut up...BOOZE!!
Jokes: 8 Short Reflections on the State of Man Disguised as Short Jokes
Belly full of booze good for curing feelings of emptiness...for a few hours anyway.
Hell is actually cold and it's near lake Michigan, in Illinois in the winter time.
I want to move to Chicago so badly. Maybe Hell is New Jersey at any time of the year. Or any place where there isn't any booze.
The few hours part of the first joke mostly depends on how much booze you have.
I started by singing at church and then I started singing at work. Both are really hard to make it to on time. Especially so when you've got a hangover.
Some people will think that my last joke is awful. But what better time is there to go to church than when you've got a hangover? You've almost certainly got some things to repent.
Thanks to Disney, one day I want to have a passive aggressive relationship with a bi-polar female lion one day.
I mean, honestly, how did Nala think the guy would react to basically making love all night and then having her thrust all the problems of the kingdom on him the next morning? That's just fucked up.
Hell is actually cold and it's near lake Michigan, in Illinois in the winter time.
I want to move to Chicago so badly. Maybe Hell is New Jersey at any time of the year. Or any place where there isn't any booze.
The few hours part of the first joke mostly depends on how much booze you have.
I started by singing at church and then I started singing at work. Both are really hard to make it to on time. Especially so when you've got a hangover.
Some people will think that my last joke is awful. But what better time is there to go to church than when you've got a hangover? You've almost certainly got some things to repent.
Thanks to Disney, one day I want to have a passive aggressive relationship with a bi-polar female lion one day.
I mean, honestly, how did Nala think the guy would react to basically making love all night and then having her thrust all the problems of the kingdom on him the next morning? That's just fucked up.
Jokes: 8 Dark Musings Disguised as Dark Jokes (Bring your flashlight)
I want to make wine out of the pears and oranges that I bought today. My reasoning is that they taste pretty good but they won't get me drunk.
I need to get drunk enough to get back in the bed because I can go to sleep there. This is my form of time travel. If I do this until my next work day, I'll skip all the purposeless misery and go back to being worthy of my existence.
Parent's that want you to kill yourself insist on reminding you of all the people that love you and vengefully market your depression as a personal dig at those people.
My philosophy is that I can't tell the future, don't know what will happen next but, well yes I do. I'll have another drink.
If I were doing that last joke in a stand-up setting I would pretend to be drunker than I am and would shout "Yeehooo!!" at the end of it. Perfect exclamation.
I can tell the future. I usually see it in dreams. Sober dreams too. Drunken stupor dreams turn into wet dreams but only from the homeless people pissing on me behind a dumpster on the rougher side of town.
I slept 15 hours each of the last two days and I've got nothing but regrets. But, none of them are about all that bomb ass sleep. Dreaming likamufucka
Pear and orange flavored wine would be fucking dope and nobody needs to justify that shit. It just would be.
I need to get drunk enough to get back in the bed because I can go to sleep there. This is my form of time travel. If I do this until my next work day, I'll skip all the purposeless misery and go back to being worthy of my existence.
Parent's that want you to kill yourself insist on reminding you of all the people that love you and vengefully market your depression as a personal dig at those people.
My philosophy is that I can't tell the future, don't know what will happen next but, well yes I do. I'll have another drink.
If I were doing that last joke in a stand-up setting I would pretend to be drunker than I am and would shout "Yeehooo!!" at the end of it. Perfect exclamation.
I can tell the future. I usually see it in dreams. Sober dreams too. Drunken stupor dreams turn into wet dreams but only from the homeless people pissing on me behind a dumpster on the rougher side of town.
I slept 15 hours each of the last two days and I've got nothing but regrets. But, none of them are about all that bomb ass sleep. Dreaming likamufucka
Pear and orange flavored wine would be fucking dope and nobody needs to justify that shit. It just would be.
Jokes: 7 Tally Marks for Dark Humor (Well, maybe not that dark.)
Every time I make up my mind to volunteer, I remember that there is a cost of living. I can barely afford it.
The cost of living goes up every time I have to listen to customer's opinions on politics. The cost being my soul.
I should have one the award in HS for most likely to smile while dead inside. Not class clown. Or maybe those two have always been the same thing.
In truth, I did try to volunteer at an animal shelter but they wouldn't let me because they thought I would too pawtective of the critters.
My cost of living is high because my inspirations are bottles of champagne and cheesecake.
I'm not dead inside but I have swallowed a few bugs on accident. So the dead is inside of me. This was also what happens when you get raped by a zombie.
A baby smiled and waved at me in Wal-Mart today. Which means that he was the only person that was happy to see me so far in the month of February. Further, in the year of 2020.
The cost of living goes up every time I have to listen to customer's opinions on politics. The cost being my soul.
I should have one the award in HS for most likely to smile while dead inside. Not class clown. Or maybe those two have always been the same thing.
In truth, I did try to volunteer at an animal shelter but they wouldn't let me because they thought I would too pawtective of the critters.
My cost of living is high because my inspirations are bottles of champagne and cheesecake.
I'm not dead inside but I have swallowed a few bugs on accident. So the dead is inside of me. This was also what happens when you get raped by a zombie.
A baby smiled and waved at me in Wal-Mart today. Which means that he was the only person that was happy to see me so far in the month of February. Further, in the year of 2020.
Jokes: 9 Short Jokes for the Sake of Meta Humor
"I can finish 10 blog posts of high quality content today." 2 hours and 17 shots of vodka later and I'm wondering why the champagne isn't bubbly and why can't I get off the floor? Still happy though.
I would've gotten up and got more done today but there was a 2-D animated rabbit messing with me all morning. I went to get carrots for him but he left to go mess with some hunter.
That last joke was about Bugs Bunny. I fucking love Bugs Bunny. All other fictional bunnies can go fuck themselves. Bugs4lyfe bitch
The irony of the first joke is that I never make high quality content.
I went to the grocery store to get groceries but decided to burn it down on the way. Somebody beat me to it. So I volunteered for the clean up crew. I meant to spend an evening there and nothing was gonna stop me.
Don't worry about that last joke, there is more than one grocery store in town.
I'm glad February is almost over. My neighbor told me that the apocalypse is starting in March and that will probably be more exciting than working a Valentine's day event in a restaurant.
Thanks to alcohol, I may have life threatening liver damage. But thanks to alcohol, I can find a way to smile about it.
Full disclosure, I'm not smiling about that last joke, I'm smirking with my eyes low.
The Answers: How to be a Piece of Shit at Work in 3 Easy Steps
Being a piece of shit at work is easy, and especially easy for people who are pieces of shit everywhere. If you're a lazy motherfucker then this list won't really make sense to you because you already do all of this shit by default. This is for the standard to good worker that is fed up with their bullshit work environment and want to learn a new way to conduct themselves at work. This is your guide for how to be a piece of shit at work in 3 easy steps.
The first and only rule to apply to these three steps is this: be uninvolved and take credit for everything good. This one rule will make your life so much easier and everyone else super pissed. Which is fine. Another name for this post could be "How to be Way More Selfish." Just think of those piece of shit lazy fucks that never do anything. They never work on a new project, never produce anything, never do anything. And yet, they still make it somehow. You are going to be one of those pieces of shit.
1. Work really hard for the first two weeks. You still remember how to work hard from doing it all your life. Now you just have to prove you can do it for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of excellence and the occasional 2 days ever there after is enough excellence to trick employers into thinking that you are good, but just having an off day. The kind of off day that turns into an off week, off month and then an off career.
2. Get clocked in and then sit down. This has to do with jobs where you are primarily standing. One way to make sure that you're sitting down as soon as you clock in is to save your bathroom trips for the moment that you clock in. Even if you're a guy, sit down for your pee. This is to permanently imprint on your mind that you must always be sitting and doing something that really isn't productive for the company. If something has to be done, you aren't the guy to do it. Everyone knows that if you're asked to do something, then they'll have to wait on you to lift your slow ass up out of the chair that you're in. Then you become a non-option for actual work. You just look at work as a place to hang out and get paid. Which is fine, if you're a piece of shit.
3. Take naps when you can and ask for a raise. You've already established that you won't be doing anything productive unless somebody is willing to struggle to get you to. This is great! Now you can start specializing your skill in finding places to sit down. By specializing, I mean finding more comfortable places to sit. This is to make it easier to get in your quick "power naps". When you're inevitably caught, you tell everyone that you "can't sleep lately, too stressed about work." This ploy for sympathy will make them feel guilty about asking you to get the fuck up and get something done. With that in place, you can groggily ask for a raise. You think that you'd be less stressed if your financials were in better shape. You're not asking much, just double pay for a reliable guy that always brings a great attitude. You're also responsible for everything good and had nothing to do with anything bad. All of this has been pretexted already if you've followed the steps correctly.
So there you go, "How to be a Piece of Shit at Work in 3 Easy Steps." You'll never have to work hard again, except for those occasional two days in a row. After the 5 year mark at your company, you'll only have to surprise people with 1 day of hard work at a time. These techniques definitely won't get you fired. They will be so thankful for those once to twice a month hard work days from you that they'll be overjoyed just to be in your presence.
The first and only rule to apply to these three steps is this: be uninvolved and take credit for everything good. This one rule will make your life so much easier and everyone else super pissed. Which is fine. Another name for this post could be "How to be Way More Selfish." Just think of those piece of shit lazy fucks that never do anything. They never work on a new project, never produce anything, never do anything. And yet, they still make it somehow. You are going to be one of those pieces of shit.
1. Work really hard for the first two weeks. You still remember how to work hard from doing it all your life. Now you just have to prove you can do it for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of excellence and the occasional 2 days ever there after is enough excellence to trick employers into thinking that you are good, but just having an off day. The kind of off day that turns into an off week, off month and then an off career.
2. Get clocked in and then sit down. This has to do with jobs where you are primarily standing. One way to make sure that you're sitting down as soon as you clock in is to save your bathroom trips for the moment that you clock in. Even if you're a guy, sit down for your pee. This is to permanently imprint on your mind that you must always be sitting and doing something that really isn't productive for the company. If something has to be done, you aren't the guy to do it. Everyone knows that if you're asked to do something, then they'll have to wait on you to lift your slow ass up out of the chair that you're in. Then you become a non-option for actual work. You just look at work as a place to hang out and get paid. Which is fine, if you're a piece of shit.
3. Take naps when you can and ask for a raise. You've already established that you won't be doing anything productive unless somebody is willing to struggle to get you to. This is great! Now you can start specializing your skill in finding places to sit down. By specializing, I mean finding more comfortable places to sit. This is to make it easier to get in your quick "power naps". When you're inevitably caught, you tell everyone that you "can't sleep lately, too stressed about work." This ploy for sympathy will make them feel guilty about asking you to get the fuck up and get something done. With that in place, you can groggily ask for a raise. You think that you'd be less stressed if your financials were in better shape. You're not asking much, just double pay for a reliable guy that always brings a great attitude. You're also responsible for everything good and had nothing to do with anything bad. All of this has been pretexted already if you've followed the steps correctly.
So there you go, "How to be a Piece of Shit at Work in 3 Easy Steps." You'll never have to work hard again, except for those occasional two days in a row. After the 5 year mark at your company, you'll only have to surprise people with 1 day of hard work at a time. These techniques definitely won't get you fired. They will be so thankful for those once to twice a month hard work days from you that they'll be overjoyed just to be in your presence.
Katherine Jenkins - I Vow To Thee My Country
Is there a more beautiful song than this? If you're not from the UK then just imagine that she is singing this song for your country. God I love this song. Doesn't matter how stoned drunk I am at the time, this rendition of the song can still leak a few tears out of my eyes. I also cry when I listen to Nessum Dorma by pretty much anybody that sings it. Your neighbor could sing Nessum Dorma and make me cry just because He/She tried their best to perform maybe the most beautiful song I've ever heard. I'm so drunk that my face is numb right now lol. So here is what the really boozy Comedy Apprentice is like. Crying at patriotic music and eating chicken biscuit crackers. They are so good. I should write a review for them. Anyway, cheers!
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