Katherine Jenkins - I Vow To Thee My Country
Is there a more beautiful song than this? If you're not from the UK then just imagine that she is singing this song for your country. God I love this song. Doesn't matter how stoned drunk I am at the time, this rendition of the song can still leak a few tears out of my eyes. I also cry when I listen to Nessum Dorma by pretty much anybody that sings it. Your neighbor could sing Nessum Dorma and make me cry just because He/She tried their best to perform maybe the most beautiful song I've ever heard. I'm so drunk that my face is numb right now lol. So here is what the really boozy Comedy Apprentice is like. Crying at patriotic music and eating chicken biscuit crackers. They are so good. I should write a review for them. Anyway, cheers!
Shot Glass Thought: Some People Won't Move Out
I don't know why, but there are so many people living with their parents for way too long. I know a few Narcissists that moved back in just to have a consistent group of people to torture. One in particular that stands out is an Instagram model wannabe that celebrates shit like becoming an assistant manager at a makeup company like she just became the first female president. Way to go, enjoy your $15/hr which is way less than most full time servers. She is one of those broads that hangs out in the empty ass mall all day melting her hair out as a demonstration for potential customers. Living the dream yo, keep on hustling till you're bald. I guess then they'll transfer her to the high end doo-rag department.
It's definitely not all women though, not even close. I know a dude that is in his 30's and he has never moved out and never intends to unless he's getting married. But nobody wants to marry a 33 year old baby. So, he's gonna be living there till his parent's die and probably afterwards too. He's graduated college and has a pretty decent job, plenty of expendable income. Yet, he does nothing. What's the deal? Why do people do this? Is comfort that important to people? I don't know why the narcissist broad or the dumb guy won't grow up. Maybe they've got the same issue, both are incredibly selfish.
I am a loner, live alone, work alone pretty much and chase my dreams alone. Maybe I'll never get to where I want to be. To the place in life that I'm striving to get to, but at least I'm not back home torturing my parents with my constant bullshit. I don't cause constant bullshit, but being at home past the ages of 18 to early 20's is a fucking nuisance. I don't really care what the reasons are for being back with your parents for the long term, move the fuck out. It's not healthy to keep living with them like a baby. Get out here in the world with the rest of us miserable fucks and start cooking your own meals and doing your own shit.
It's definitely not all women though, not even close. I know a dude that is in his 30's and he has never moved out and never intends to unless he's getting married. But nobody wants to marry a 33 year old baby. So, he's gonna be living there till his parent's die and probably afterwards too. He's graduated college and has a pretty decent job, plenty of expendable income. Yet, he does nothing. What's the deal? Why do people do this? Is comfort that important to people? I don't know why the narcissist broad or the dumb guy won't grow up. Maybe they've got the same issue, both are incredibly selfish.
I am a loner, live alone, work alone pretty much and chase my dreams alone. Maybe I'll never get to where I want to be. To the place in life that I'm striving to get to, but at least I'm not back home torturing my parents with my constant bullshit. I don't cause constant bullshit, but being at home past the ages of 18 to early 20's is a fucking nuisance. I don't really care what the reasons are for being back with your parents for the long term, move the fuck out. It's not healthy to keep living with them like a baby. Get out here in the world with the rest of us miserable fucks and start cooking your own meals and doing your own shit.
Shot Glass Thought: Life Keeps Going No Matter How Badly You Fail
This is not a message of inspiration. Nor should anyone take heart knowing that there will be more opportunities for them in life no matter how bad they fuck up. This is a reminder that unless your fuck up kills you, you'll have to go on living as a fuck up. Pretty much all the time in life, you'll swing and miss on the most important days of your life. I've already struck out on 2 love of my life candidates. Honestly, I wasn't that close to sealing the deal with either of them. At least with one of them I did my best. I still pester them with my friendship and I'm thankful for that. But you should not be.
My family and teachers wanted me to go off to University and become some kind of great academic and for while, I really gave it my best shot. But I failed, and the reason why I failed is because of a prior failure that I never dealt with. I failed to achieve my own financial independence until I had already left for college. I failed to realize that I had no interest in college and only wanted to become a comedian. So I started drinking and letting that consume me which led to the failure in school and helped to orchestrate the failure with a possible dream come true kind of woman. I have succeeded in becoming a pretty good bartender. I've succeeded in writing tons of jokes and posts for this website. That's pretty much it.
The things that I have accomplished, I am proud of. I am a good friend and a pretty safe driver and blah blah blah. All the peripheral shit I have down. Maybe there is still time to find that third love of my life candidate and maybe she'll be worth all the waiting and sorrow. But the other things that I've failed haunt me everyday. The love I had for basketball and all the injuries that I absorbed from it has left me in chronic pain. All for nothing. The family members that I spent the most time with weren't the ones that I should have been with. I've lost the ones that I should have visited more. The time spent elsewhere, was all but wasted.
Before you ask, yes I'm down in the dumps. I feel so far from where I want to be and I'm only barely out of a miserable situation that required an unbelievable amount of effort to get away from. So what do I do now? I just keep going and try to be kind to myself. I know I'm a failure and piece of shit for the most part. I know I've let down every expectation, but I'll just keep writing jokes anyway. I don't know what advice I can give except keep on moving forward and don't be like me.
Jokes
Murder stories on YouTube responsible for brutal killing of entire workday.
Aloof kitchen sink too far for cotton mouthed stoner.
Ex-Pilot becomes deep sea diver reaching all time low.
I'd have sex with a robot but only if it took me out for cheesecake first.
My family and teachers wanted me to go off to University and become some kind of great academic and for while, I really gave it my best shot. But I failed, and the reason why I failed is because of a prior failure that I never dealt with. I failed to achieve my own financial independence until I had already left for college. I failed to realize that I had no interest in college and only wanted to become a comedian. So I started drinking and letting that consume me which led to the failure in school and helped to orchestrate the failure with a possible dream come true kind of woman. I have succeeded in becoming a pretty good bartender. I've succeeded in writing tons of jokes and posts for this website. That's pretty much it.
The things that I have accomplished, I am proud of. I am a good friend and a pretty safe driver and blah blah blah. All the peripheral shit I have down. Maybe there is still time to find that third love of my life candidate and maybe she'll be worth all the waiting and sorrow. But the other things that I've failed haunt me everyday. The love I had for basketball and all the injuries that I absorbed from it has left me in chronic pain. All for nothing. The family members that I spent the most time with weren't the ones that I should have been with. I've lost the ones that I should have visited more. The time spent elsewhere, was all but wasted.
Before you ask, yes I'm down in the dumps. I feel so far from where I want to be and I'm only barely out of a miserable situation that required an unbelievable amount of effort to get away from. So what do I do now? I just keep going and try to be kind to myself. I know I'm a failure and piece of shit for the most part. I know I've let down every expectation, but I'll just keep writing jokes anyway. I don't know what advice I can give except keep on moving forward and don't be like me.
Jokes
Murder stories on YouTube responsible for brutal killing of entire workday.
Aloof kitchen sink too far for cotton mouthed stoner.
Ex-Pilot becomes deep sea diver reaching all time low.
I'd have sex with a robot but only if it took me out for cheesecake first.
The Answers: Why Should I be Afraid of Strangers in Rural North Carolina?
The reason why you should at least be cautious of strangers in rural NC is the same reason why you should be cautious anywhere. There is no more evil a creature, nor a creature capable of more evil than a human being. This is why the world of business, sales, exchanges of good and services is so comforting to me. There are incentives in place that protect you from complete unbridled insanity. Make no mistake, I've worked for and with plenty of nut jobs. Some people might consider me to be one of those nut jobs. You're just less likely to be abducted and killed by the guy that you have a turkey sandwich with in the break room everyday.
Out in the woods, out in the sketchy part of town at a sketchy party, there is almost no predicting what can happen. On the scale of paranoid, I fall somewhere in the middle of slightly paranoid to "Why is my toaster telling me to groom my neighbor's dog?". I am slow to trust and really quick to peace out. I don't like circumstances that mess with my gut feeling. I'll bail on almost anything if I get a bad feeling about it. Another one of my good rules is "If you feel like you're being watched, you are." Your senses are stronger than you think. My paranoia and distrust of my fellow man is much stronger. I've watched far too many crime documentaries to start buddying up with strangers and making tons of new friends on a whim.
All this being said, I'm really considering becoming a RentAFriend. It's a real thing, believe it or not. You can be paid to be someone's friend for an afternoon. The rates range from 10-50 dollars an hour. You are usually asked to show people around town, go out drinking or go to the movies. Stuff like that. I think I might love that. Plus, I'm not really the kind of person that rapists are looking for. I'm a hairy, old bald fat guy. That's not prime rapin' material from what I've read about rapists. Plus, I'm a great friend. I can make you laugh, I'm a good conservationist and a better listener.
People find me to be really easy to trust and be around. I am not totally sure why that is but it is. I think I'd like to specialize in hanging out with old people if I go through with it. I can absorb their wisdom and they have someone to talk to. It's a win win. Plus, it's pretty hard to get raped and abducted by someone in their 80's when you're a 26 year old in his 40's.
Out in the woods, out in the sketchy part of town at a sketchy party, there is almost no predicting what can happen. On the scale of paranoid, I fall somewhere in the middle of slightly paranoid to "Why is my toaster telling me to groom my neighbor's dog?". I am slow to trust and really quick to peace out. I don't like circumstances that mess with my gut feeling. I'll bail on almost anything if I get a bad feeling about it. Another one of my good rules is "If you feel like you're being watched, you are." Your senses are stronger than you think. My paranoia and distrust of my fellow man is much stronger. I've watched far too many crime documentaries to start buddying up with strangers and making tons of new friends on a whim.
All this being said, I'm really considering becoming a RentAFriend. It's a real thing, believe it or not. You can be paid to be someone's friend for an afternoon. The rates range from 10-50 dollars an hour. You are usually asked to show people around town, go out drinking or go to the movies. Stuff like that. I think I might love that. Plus, I'm not really the kind of person that rapists are looking for. I'm a hairy, old bald fat guy. That's not prime rapin' material from what I've read about rapists. Plus, I'm a great friend. I can make you laugh, I'm a good conservationist and a better listener.
People find me to be really easy to trust and be around. I am not totally sure why that is but it is. I think I'd like to specialize in hanging out with old people if I go through with it. I can absorb their wisdom and they have someone to talk to. It's a win win. Plus, it's pretty hard to get raped and abducted by someone in their 80's when you're a 26 year old in his 40's.
Shot Glass Thought: Take a Walk After the Rain and Smell the Air
For anyone that can, taking a walk is always a good thing. Post rain, even better. You don't have to go a crazy long way or make it to a specific target or anything like that. You just walk for a bit in some direction. I find this is the best way to combat depression. Besides doing, like a million other things. But this really helps me. It's not so good that you should stop taking your meds or anything. It's just good. One of the simple things that makes life a little bit better.
Think of all the days where work bitches at you, the TV and the news bitches at you. Your Facebook and your Twitter and your Email are all trying to sell you something or bitch at you. Sometimes it's just too much. If you can safely leave all technology behind and just take a short walk ever so often, you'll find that the world is so much more simple. I am the kind of guy that reads exhaustively. I can pretty much read almost every bit of text that I see everyday without getting tired. That's not a boast, it's just true. At the end of 7 days of reading and checking everything at work and constantly communicating and keeping up with family and loved ones, I'm spent.
I had a friend in HS that could barely read. He was a good dude, didn't think of much. Just liked certain things and people and just went about life, not thinking about things. He'd think about one thing at a time if he did think about something. Now, I couldn't function if I tried to emulate that full time. But ever so often, taking things the way he did can really help ease my mind. Taking a walk if good, but for full mind easing refreshment, take a walk after a rain. Really smell the air and take in all your surroundings. The world, which goes to fast even on it's slowest days, really seems to slow down when I do that.
Here's a couple jokes to compliment this post. I read it back and I didn't really think it was all that funny lol so here you go:
1. Joe Biden to skip the primary in NH by dressing in a frilly dress and skipping around picking flowers in South Carolina.
2. Taliban uneasy about signing peace deal with the US. Taliban leaders base their concerns on a consultation with Native Americans. The topic of discussion was indeed, peace treaties.
3. Unflappable Syrian soldiers continue their civil war to decide who will rule Syria, a country which is now 78% craters.
Think of all the days where work bitches at you, the TV and the news bitches at you. Your Facebook and your Twitter and your Email are all trying to sell you something or bitch at you. Sometimes it's just too much. If you can safely leave all technology behind and just take a short walk ever so often, you'll find that the world is so much more simple. I am the kind of guy that reads exhaustively. I can pretty much read almost every bit of text that I see everyday without getting tired. That's not a boast, it's just true. At the end of 7 days of reading and checking everything at work and constantly communicating and keeping up with family and loved ones, I'm spent.
I had a friend in HS that could barely read. He was a good dude, didn't think of much. Just liked certain things and people and just went about life, not thinking about things. He'd think about one thing at a time if he did think about something. Now, I couldn't function if I tried to emulate that full time. But ever so often, taking things the way he did can really help ease my mind. Taking a walk if good, but for full mind easing refreshment, take a walk after a rain. Really smell the air and take in all your surroundings. The world, which goes to fast even on it's slowest days, really seems to slow down when I do that.
Here's a couple jokes to compliment this post. I read it back and I didn't really think it was all that funny lol so here you go:
1. Joe Biden to skip the primary in NH by dressing in a frilly dress and skipping around picking flowers in South Carolina.
2. Taliban uneasy about signing peace deal with the US. Taliban leaders base their concerns on a consultation with Native Americans. The topic of discussion was indeed, peace treaties.
3. Unflappable Syrian soldiers continue their civil war to decide who will rule Syria, a country which is now 78% craters.
Shot Glass Thought: I Want to Learn More About Micro Dosing Psychedelics
Depression fucks you everyday and never asks permission first. It weighs you down and makes you miserable. When I'm depressed, my decision making is worse, my romance dies and my friends think that I'm a different person. At the time of this writing, my meds are being re-evaluated and I'm pretty much making due without them for the time being. So, you may conclude that I feel like shit. You're right, I feel as foul and unproductive as a person can. I'm still doing stuff, but I feel like I'm doing the minimum.
This is where the micro dosing comes in. I have been depressed for so long that I am ready for something unconventional. I am worried about triggering psychosis because I've had trouble with that in the past. I'm not going to go into great detail, because that's not what this post is about. Though, I think I have referenced it and made jokes about it before. Some of which, were really funny. One story that comes to mind is a time period in my life when I thought that I could fly. Everyday I would wake up brimming with confidence, joy and poorly masked mania because "Today, I'm GONNA FLY!"
The period of consistent delusion is far behind me now. Depression on the other hand, remains. I have taken psychedelics in the past and abused alcohol. But I've never taken small doses of anything. I have heard that micro dosing LSD and shrooms can help you regulate serotonin. That's really the issue right? The serotonin in my brain is fucked? Or maybe, I'm just "A millennial snowflake that can't cope with the real world! Probably a cross-dressing liberal too!".
No, I'm not any of that. I just feel like complete poo all the time. Although, I suppose that it is true that I struggle with coping with every day life. There are times when it doesn't matter what I do, I just feel awful. Except writing jokes, that's something I always feel like doing if only for a little while. Whatever I decide to do, I'm going to do more research. Not just on this, but on how to be more funny, be a better friend, how to be more wise. So on and so forth. I don't want to make something like this a quick, in-the-moment kind of decision. I'm not the kind of guy that goes out for groceries on Thursday and then somehow ends up married in Vegas by Monday.
The Answers: What Does it Mean When You Dream About Snakes?
This is a question that I'm sure all of us have asked at some point. Usually when we wake up out of breath and in a sweat over a nightmare involving a snake. I'm particularly interested in finding out what these dreams mean according to the internet because I am prone to having a wide variety of snake related dreams. I'll discuss a few here before I get started for looking this stuff up. But first, would you like to read my take on some on the current geopolitical landscape?
Didn't think so. Snakes bite me in my dreams all the time. They are always normal sized snakes in these dreams. Another dream about snakes that I frequently have is when I go to investigate something out in nature. I'll be pulling rubble away and digging deeper into the ground when I'll come across a pattern. When I start pulling at it like a total numb nut, the patterned rubble reveals itself to be several pythons all piled together. Then, I turn around and see that I am impossibly surrounded by snakes.
The number of snakes around me is so great that I would not be able to take a single step without making contact with one of them. This is a level of panic comparable to when I attend any big gathering that I'm not working. Work gives structure and purpose to a giant loud shindig. But participation just makes me want to drink until I wake up sleeping with goats in a barn while my phone plays Sinatra radio on Pandora.
The last snake dream that I can think of right now happened a long time ago. I guess, maybe 5 or 6 years ago. That seems like a long time to me. I'm swimming on the surface of a lake in the dream and feel a sudden urge to look under the water. I carry on swimming but the urge gets greater. Finally, I look under the water and see that the lake is impossibly deep. There are skyscraper sized snakes underneath me. I don't scream as they are just swimming along not noticing me. But then I look down below all the other snakes. There is a green snake that seems to be looking right at me. I pull my head up from the water and look for a possible way to escape. When I look back down under the water, the green snake dashes toward me to consume me and I wake up, having thoroughly shit the bed.
So now, let's actually get some answers from the internet. Looks like if snakes scare you and one bites you in your dream, it could mean that there is some unpredictable element in your life. Snakes are unpredictable like that. There is not very much in my life that is unpredictable now, but the last several years were extremely unpredictable. I never knew where I'd be working, what I'd be doing. It was pretty tough. Nowadays, I'm positive every morning when I wake up that I'll be writing about making a poo in the bed after a scary dream or any other number of comparable scenarios.
Snakes that are hidden or are hard to find like I described in the digging through the rubble scenario can mean that there is a betrayal coming your way. Most people, myself included never see a betrayal coming. So, that makes sense to me. Well, I'm pretty sure that I'll be betrayed soon on account of a text that I received from an untraceable phone number. It read "Expect a betrayal soon." Pretty ominous huh? That message is pretty cut and dry even for someone as dense as me. Of course, there could always be some underlying symbolism to it I suppose. Maybe that will be another post on a later day. "Understanding Cryptic and Scary Messages from Strangers."...."In 3 quick steps." "Number 2 is INSANE!" Yeah, probably not going to happen unless I get a cryptic, scary message telling me that I have to make that post.
There is a bit of information on my giant, green snake dream. A big green snake being in the dream is supposed to be a promise of recovery for the ill. That's interesting because at the time that I had the dream I was going through some serious mental illness. Seeing tons of snakes underwater might have meant that I was in an unfavorable situation. That was also very true at the time. I am since enjoying much better working and living circumstances. This has been a fun post to make, I'll probably cover more dream related stuff in the future. I'm one of those kooks that remembers their dreams without writing them down sometimes. Look for more stuff like this in the future.
These are my sources:
https://checkmydream.com/dream-meaning/big--snake
http://www.dreammoods.com/commondreams/snake-dreams.html
Didn't think so. Snakes bite me in my dreams all the time. They are always normal sized snakes in these dreams. Another dream about snakes that I frequently have is when I go to investigate something out in nature. I'll be pulling rubble away and digging deeper into the ground when I'll come across a pattern. When I start pulling at it like a total numb nut, the patterned rubble reveals itself to be several pythons all piled together. Then, I turn around and see that I am impossibly surrounded by snakes.
The number of snakes around me is so great that I would not be able to take a single step without making contact with one of them. This is a level of panic comparable to when I attend any big gathering that I'm not working. Work gives structure and purpose to a giant loud shindig. But participation just makes me want to drink until I wake up sleeping with goats in a barn while my phone plays Sinatra radio on Pandora.
The last snake dream that I can think of right now happened a long time ago. I guess, maybe 5 or 6 years ago. That seems like a long time to me. I'm swimming on the surface of a lake in the dream and feel a sudden urge to look under the water. I carry on swimming but the urge gets greater. Finally, I look under the water and see that the lake is impossibly deep. There are skyscraper sized snakes underneath me. I don't scream as they are just swimming along not noticing me. But then I look down below all the other snakes. There is a green snake that seems to be looking right at me. I pull my head up from the water and look for a possible way to escape. When I look back down under the water, the green snake dashes toward me to consume me and I wake up, having thoroughly shit the bed.
So now, let's actually get some answers from the internet. Looks like if snakes scare you and one bites you in your dream, it could mean that there is some unpredictable element in your life. Snakes are unpredictable like that. There is not very much in my life that is unpredictable now, but the last several years were extremely unpredictable. I never knew where I'd be working, what I'd be doing. It was pretty tough. Nowadays, I'm positive every morning when I wake up that I'll be writing about making a poo in the bed after a scary dream or any other number of comparable scenarios.
Snakes that are hidden or are hard to find like I described in the digging through the rubble scenario can mean that there is a betrayal coming your way. Most people, myself included never see a betrayal coming. So, that makes sense to me. Well, I'm pretty sure that I'll be betrayed soon on account of a text that I received from an untraceable phone number. It read "Expect a betrayal soon." Pretty ominous huh? That message is pretty cut and dry even for someone as dense as me. Of course, there could always be some underlying symbolism to it I suppose. Maybe that will be another post on a later day. "Understanding Cryptic and Scary Messages from Strangers."...."In 3 quick steps." "Number 2 is INSANE!" Yeah, probably not going to happen unless I get a cryptic, scary message telling me that I have to make that post.
There is a bit of information on my giant, green snake dream. A big green snake being in the dream is supposed to be a promise of recovery for the ill. That's interesting because at the time that I had the dream I was going through some serious mental illness. Seeing tons of snakes underwater might have meant that I was in an unfavorable situation. That was also very true at the time. I am since enjoying much better working and living circumstances. This has been a fun post to make, I'll probably cover more dream related stuff in the future. I'm one of those kooks that remembers their dreams without writing them down sometimes. Look for more stuff like this in the future.
These are my sources:
https://checkmydream.com/dream-meaning/big--snake
http://www.dreammoods.com/commondreams/snake-dreams.html
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