It's a good thing I learned to touch type because I'm writing this while I'm blind drunk. Couldn't manually spell check this thing even if I wanted to.
It's gonna be a while before I'll be able to make any videos. My setup is glitched and I've gotta wait for somebody smarter than me to fix it. This isn't really a joke, I just think it's funny that my operation can be so easily derailed.
Punk geologist prefers to rock out. ( I know, I know. But I love this joke anyway.)
Low self esteem trash pile thinks he's down in the dumps.
Innocent Lion sentenced to 20 years in solitary confinement with gawking tourists as his only interaction.
Obviously mentally ill man entertains delusion of leaving a positive impact on the world.
Phone-ee friends never prefer text messages. Talking more personal. (I love phone calls.)
I went to the store to get some toilet paper, deodorant and some ready made frozen biscuits. But I ended up at the liquor store. So, honestly, I don't know where I went.
Lustful organ harvesters want me for my body.
Loose lipped twink popular in prison.
If you're ate up with Hell, you know the Devil has sharp teeth.
Love letter to earthquake quotes AC-DC, "You shook me all night long."
Dreamy trucker asleep at the wheel again.
Blind new guy getting a feel for the office.
Keep clicking my new posts if you want more short jokes and more dark jokes. Don't forget, you can experience my dark humor every day. That's because I post every single day! What's better than that? I can't think of anything. Stay tuned and cheers!
Comedy Apprentice Contributor: Cooter Dwyane Delmonty Introduction
Howdy yall, I'm Cooter Dwyane Delmonty. Lotta people call me CD. You can always catch ole CD on the CB if you know what I mean. I read Comedy Apprentice for the dark humor, dark jokes and the short jokes. Sometimes the fellar that runs this website can get a bit long winded but I ain't gonna hold that against him. My preacher on Sunday gets mighty long winded too and that don't make me stop going to church.
I drive a truck for a living. I like football and beer! I remember the good old days when I was running the football for the Murphy Bulldogs of Murphy NC. There was no shortage of big strong guys piling on top of my back with all their strength. Man those were the days. If only I could go back into them days and introduce my buddies to Mimosas. I can't think of anything more relaxing after a long, hard fought game than a couple of sweet, bubbly drinks for me and all the boys.
I work hard boys, so my flannel shirts and my truck cabin can really take a beating. That's why I'm fortunate to have had my Mammaw teach me how to sew. I'm also fortunate to have Pinterest. I mean, where else could I find such awesome step by step tutorials for stitching patterns into the ceiling of my truck cabin? I made the coolest kaleidoscope lookin' pattern up there. It's an awesome website man. I followed a step by step tutorial for installing light reflectors on my boots. Some people call it bedazzlin' but I see the practical use of the glimmering lights. I tell ya, much as the boys at work may make fun of me, I sure ain't had my toes stepped on recently.
I wish I had me a wife and kids to come home to but that ain't happened yet. I ain't no good with the women. I meet em', take em' to the spa and we get our nails done together. I treat em' to the nicest bottle of sparkling Rose' that I can afford and then they tell me they just want to be "glam fam" with me when I make my move. I still ain't sure what that means, but I won't give up on em'. There's one out there for me just like there is for everyone out there.
So, that's all there is to know about me pretty much. I met this here Comedy Apprentice fellar when I saw him do stand-up at an open mic in a truck stop on the outskirts of Asheville, NC. I tried to buy him a Mimosa but he said he likes Moscow Mules. We drank and hung out for a bit. He thought I would have some funny stories to share with all yall. So I figure I'll write a few up for ya ever now and again. Thankee Comedy Apprentice for takin' me on and thanks to all yall that read this here piece. Take care and be good yall. CD out!
I drive a truck for a living. I like football and beer! I remember the good old days when I was running the football for the Murphy Bulldogs of Murphy NC. There was no shortage of big strong guys piling on top of my back with all their strength. Man those were the days. If only I could go back into them days and introduce my buddies to Mimosas. I can't think of anything more relaxing after a long, hard fought game than a couple of sweet, bubbly drinks for me and all the boys.
I work hard boys, so my flannel shirts and my truck cabin can really take a beating. That's why I'm fortunate to have had my Mammaw teach me how to sew. I'm also fortunate to have Pinterest. I mean, where else could I find such awesome step by step tutorials for stitching patterns into the ceiling of my truck cabin? I made the coolest kaleidoscope lookin' pattern up there. It's an awesome website man. I followed a step by step tutorial for installing light reflectors on my boots. Some people call it bedazzlin' but I see the practical use of the glimmering lights. I tell ya, much as the boys at work may make fun of me, I sure ain't had my toes stepped on recently.
I wish I had me a wife and kids to come home to but that ain't happened yet. I ain't no good with the women. I meet em', take em' to the spa and we get our nails done together. I treat em' to the nicest bottle of sparkling Rose' that I can afford and then they tell me they just want to be "glam fam" with me when I make my move. I still ain't sure what that means, but I won't give up on em'. There's one out there for me just like there is for everyone out there.
So, that's all there is to know about me pretty much. I met this here Comedy Apprentice fellar when I saw him do stand-up at an open mic in a truck stop on the outskirts of Asheville, NC. I tried to buy him a Mimosa but he said he likes Moscow Mules. We drank and hung out for a bit. He thought I would have some funny stories to share with all yall. So I figure I'll write a few up for ya ever now and again. Thankee Comedy Apprentice for takin' me on and thanks to all yall that read this here piece. Take care and be good yall. CD out!
Jokes:8 Short Jokes Delivered With Your Own Incomparable Gusto!
So, I'm writing a lot of jokes only posts lately. I have the most fun writing those posts. But they don't have a very large word count or a bunch of keywords. So they won't kick ass at search engine optimization. This is why I need everybody who reads these things to share them on social media. If you all do that, then your friends will get a chuckle and I'll be able to make it big. Win-win baby, so share these posts on your social media.
Full disclosure, if you share my shit with your family and friends there is a good chance that you'll be ostracized. I make fun of everyone especially all of us ghostly looking honkies.
Here's a modified version of a joke from the funniest man of all time: "Quitting drinking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." The original joke was from Mark Twain and it read: "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." Isn't that amazing that he wrote a joke that was so timeless that it could get laughs even today? I never knew how much I really loved that guy till I started studying comedy writing.
Cancer fan takes up smoking to fulfill lifelong dream.
Anti-teeth man takes up dipping to lessen his chewing potential.
Cigar enthusiast doesn't "need all of his mouth."
Local man breaks record for most inappropriate messages sent while eating chicken biscuits and drinking coconut flavored cocktails.
That last one was just a true account of my life.
I'd believe in myself if my toaster would let me.
I'd take out the trash if my toaster would stop telling me that there are government agents waiting for me to fall into that trap.
Apparently, government agents are the ones would made cheesy eggs last night and made a mess of the whole kitchen and not me. What a bunch of assholes. I could have cooked if you just asked. Let's sit down and have meals together like the family that we are.
I recently updated my review of Red Steel from 2006 on the Nintendo Wii. Click here to check it out:https://www.comedyapprentice.com/2019/09/video-game-review-my-love-will-go-on.html. I love this game and the review. So check it out homie!
I didn't spell check this because I'm hammered. Please forgive if there are some mistakes. If this message is still here when this thing goes up then know that I meant to make it back to check lol.
Full disclosure, if you share my shit with your family and friends there is a good chance that you'll be ostracized. I make fun of everyone especially all of us ghostly looking honkies.
Here's a modified version of a joke from the funniest man of all time: "Quitting drinking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." The original joke was from Mark Twain and it read: "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." Isn't that amazing that he wrote a joke that was so timeless that it could get laughs even today? I never knew how much I really loved that guy till I started studying comedy writing.
Cancer fan takes up smoking to fulfill lifelong dream.
Anti-teeth man takes up dipping to lessen his chewing potential.
Cigar enthusiast doesn't "need all of his mouth."
Local man breaks record for most inappropriate messages sent while eating chicken biscuits and drinking coconut flavored cocktails.
That last one was just a true account of my life.
I'd believe in myself if my toaster would let me.
I'd take out the trash if my toaster would stop telling me that there are government agents waiting for me to fall into that trap.
Apparently, government agents are the ones would made cheesy eggs last night and made a mess of the whole kitchen and not me. What a bunch of assholes. I could have cooked if you just asked. Let's sit down and have meals together like the family that we are.
I recently updated my review of Red Steel from 2006 on the Nintendo Wii. Click here to check it out:https://www.comedyapprentice.com/2019/09/video-game-review-my-love-will-go-on.html. I love this game and the review. So check it out homie!
I didn't spell check this because I'm hammered. Please forgive if there are some mistakes. If this message is still here when this thing goes up then know that I meant to make it back to check lol.
Jokes: 9 Short Jokes That I'll be Glad to Tell at the Open Mic in any Honkytonk
I wanna have sex the way that most people want to play bowling. It's a good excuse to get drunk and make some noise, but not much else.
I don't need an excuse to get drunk but it's good to be prepared.
If you don't start early you'll never be able to drink all day.
Heavy drinking comic only hears booze. "Makes me thirsty." He said.
Drinking alcohol is like time travel that only goes into the future. You take "too much" alcohol and then wake up in an unfamiliar time period. Could be several days later.
Just switched from champagne to cocktails and it didn't cost me a thing. My neighbor hates locking his door.
In spite of that first joke, I don't really want to have sex. At least, I don't want to have sex at my place. I mean who really wants to deal with all that clean-up? Not me. But I equally don't want to sleep in musky sex smell for several weeks till I decide to wash everything again.
I have been getting drunk everyday on all my off days. If they'd let me drink at work then I'd never have an off day. As far as I can tell, I don't get any worse at bartending when I'm drunk. I mean, I'm my own personal bartender and I've been loving my work all week. I'm damn near ready to give myself a promotion.
I wanna get lit enough to go to sleep but the light is too bright.
I don't need an excuse to get drunk but it's good to be prepared.
If you don't start early you'll never be able to drink all day.
Heavy drinking comic only hears booze. "Makes me thirsty." He said.
Drinking alcohol is like time travel that only goes into the future. You take "too much" alcohol and then wake up in an unfamiliar time period. Could be several days later.
Just switched from champagne to cocktails and it didn't cost me a thing. My neighbor hates locking his door.
In spite of that first joke, I don't really want to have sex. At least, I don't want to have sex at my place. I mean who really wants to deal with all that clean-up? Not me. But I equally don't want to sleep in musky sex smell for several weeks till I decide to wash everything again.
I have been getting drunk everyday on all my off days. If they'd let me drink at work then I'd never have an off day. As far as I can tell, I don't get any worse at bartending when I'm drunk. I mean, I'm my own personal bartender and I've been loving my work all week. I'm damn near ready to give myself a promotion.
I wanna get lit enough to go to sleep but the light is too bright.
Jokes: 11 Short Play on Words Jokes to Delight Wordplay Folks
Drinking cheap sparkling wine can be champainful.
Nerdy hooker wants to comic strip.
Champagne all day every day surprisingly not good for bubbly personality.
Disappointing preacher becoming more sins-ical.
Heavy drinker tired of concrete bottles.
Harmless loiterer destroyed by words not pertaining to sticks or stones. His family would have acted differently if not for misinformation.
Drunken sunburnt tourists are known to red wine.
Clumsy fallen angel blames balance for founding of Hell.
Little bitch coworker thinks kissing lips to be overrated. Prefers ass cheeks of the boss.
Married life appears to be death.
Cheapskate waits for ice to travel.
Nerdy hooker wants to comic strip.
Champagne all day every day surprisingly not good for bubbly personality.
Disappointing preacher becoming more sins-ical.
Heavy drinker tired of concrete bottles.
Harmless loiterer destroyed by words not pertaining to sticks or stones. His family would have acted differently if not for misinformation.
Drunken sunburnt tourists are known to red wine.
Clumsy fallen angel blames balance for founding of Hell.
Little bitch coworker thinks kissing lips to be overrated. Prefers ass cheeks of the boss.
Married life appears to be death.
Cheapskate waits for ice to travel.
Jokes: 9 Echoes of an Evening in the Holler a Writin' and a Boozin'
Country music was designed so that you would have something to listen to when you're drinking by yourself.
For the people that don't recommend drinking alone, well I don't recommend drinking at all. But I know that I will be.
If I don't drink, how will I know to drink water to stay hydrated?
If I don't have hangover headaches, then who will visit with the cashier in the pharmacy at Wal-Mart?
If I stop drinking will my memory of my shitty past come back? Well that's not exactly a positive incentive there cowboy.
I called you a cowboy in that last joke because I always listen to country music when I'm drinking. Which is also the reason why I can remember most of the words to country music songs. Not all of them though, nobody has a memory that good.
I'd rather stay home and drink than go out and meet my soul mate. I think I'll know my soul mate when she staggers over to my bar stool and calls me a name that ain't mine.
I used ain't in that last joke because I'm listening to country music while I drink and write.
If you're wondering why I'm drinking and listening to country music while I'm writing, it's because I want to keep posting, but I don't have one creative thought to express. In a situation like that, you need the only medicine that makes it impossible for you to shut up...BOOZE!!
For the people that don't recommend drinking alone, well I don't recommend drinking at all. But I know that I will be.
If I don't drink, how will I know to drink water to stay hydrated?
If I don't have hangover headaches, then who will visit with the cashier in the pharmacy at Wal-Mart?
If I stop drinking will my memory of my shitty past come back? Well that's not exactly a positive incentive there cowboy.
I called you a cowboy in that last joke because I always listen to country music when I'm drinking. Which is also the reason why I can remember most of the words to country music songs. Not all of them though, nobody has a memory that good.
I'd rather stay home and drink than go out and meet my soul mate. I think I'll know my soul mate when she staggers over to my bar stool and calls me a name that ain't mine.
I used ain't in that last joke because I'm listening to country music while I drink and write.
If you're wondering why I'm drinking and listening to country music while I'm writing, it's because I want to keep posting, but I don't have one creative thought to express. In a situation like that, you need the only medicine that makes it impossible for you to shut up...BOOZE!!
Jokes: 8 Short Reflections on the State of Man Disguised as Short Jokes
Belly full of booze good for curing feelings of emptiness...for a few hours anyway.
Hell is actually cold and it's near lake Michigan, in Illinois in the winter time.
I want to move to Chicago so badly. Maybe Hell is New Jersey at any time of the year. Or any place where there isn't any booze.
The few hours part of the first joke mostly depends on how much booze you have.
I started by singing at church and then I started singing at work. Both are really hard to make it to on time. Especially so when you've got a hangover.
Some people will think that my last joke is awful. But what better time is there to go to church than when you've got a hangover? You've almost certainly got some things to repent.
Thanks to Disney, one day I want to have a passive aggressive relationship with a bi-polar female lion one day.
I mean, honestly, how did Nala think the guy would react to basically making love all night and then having her thrust all the problems of the kingdom on him the next morning? That's just fucked up.
Hell is actually cold and it's near lake Michigan, in Illinois in the winter time.
I want to move to Chicago so badly. Maybe Hell is New Jersey at any time of the year. Or any place where there isn't any booze.
The few hours part of the first joke mostly depends on how much booze you have.
I started by singing at church and then I started singing at work. Both are really hard to make it to on time. Especially so when you've got a hangover.
Some people will think that my last joke is awful. But what better time is there to go to church than when you've got a hangover? You've almost certainly got some things to repent.
Thanks to Disney, one day I want to have a passive aggressive relationship with a bi-polar female lion one day.
I mean, honestly, how did Nala think the guy would react to basically making love all night and then having her thrust all the problems of the kingdom on him the next morning? That's just fucked up.
Jokes: 8 Dark Musings Disguised as Dark Jokes (Bring your flashlight)
I want to make wine out of the pears and oranges that I bought today. My reasoning is that they taste pretty good but they won't get me drunk.
I need to get drunk enough to get back in the bed because I can go to sleep there. This is my form of time travel. If I do this until my next work day, I'll skip all the purposeless misery and go back to being worthy of my existence.
Parent's that want you to kill yourself insist on reminding you of all the people that love you and vengefully market your depression as a personal dig at those people.
My philosophy is that I can't tell the future, don't know what will happen next but, well yes I do. I'll have another drink.
If I were doing that last joke in a stand-up setting I would pretend to be drunker than I am and would shout "Yeehooo!!" at the end of it. Perfect exclamation.
I can tell the future. I usually see it in dreams. Sober dreams too. Drunken stupor dreams turn into wet dreams but only from the homeless people pissing on me behind a dumpster on the rougher side of town.
I slept 15 hours each of the last two days and I've got nothing but regrets. But, none of them are about all that bomb ass sleep. Dreaming likamufucka
Pear and orange flavored wine would be fucking dope and nobody needs to justify that shit. It just would be.
I need to get drunk enough to get back in the bed because I can go to sleep there. This is my form of time travel. If I do this until my next work day, I'll skip all the purposeless misery and go back to being worthy of my existence.
Parent's that want you to kill yourself insist on reminding you of all the people that love you and vengefully market your depression as a personal dig at those people.
My philosophy is that I can't tell the future, don't know what will happen next but, well yes I do. I'll have another drink.
If I were doing that last joke in a stand-up setting I would pretend to be drunker than I am and would shout "Yeehooo!!" at the end of it. Perfect exclamation.
I can tell the future. I usually see it in dreams. Sober dreams too. Drunken stupor dreams turn into wet dreams but only from the homeless people pissing on me behind a dumpster on the rougher side of town.
I slept 15 hours each of the last two days and I've got nothing but regrets. But, none of them are about all that bomb ass sleep. Dreaming likamufucka
Pear and orange flavored wine would be fucking dope and nobody needs to justify that shit. It just would be.
Jokes: 7 Tally Marks for Dark Humor (Well, maybe not that dark.)
Every time I make up my mind to volunteer, I remember that there is a cost of living. I can barely afford it.
The cost of living goes up every time I have to listen to customer's opinions on politics. The cost being my soul.
I should have one the award in HS for most likely to smile while dead inside. Not class clown. Or maybe those two have always been the same thing.
In truth, I did try to volunteer at an animal shelter but they wouldn't let me because they thought I would too pawtective of the critters.
My cost of living is high because my inspirations are bottles of champagne and cheesecake.
I'm not dead inside but I have swallowed a few bugs on accident. So the dead is inside of me. This was also what happens when you get raped by a zombie.
A baby smiled and waved at me in Wal-Mart today. Which means that he was the only person that was happy to see me so far in the month of February. Further, in the year of 2020.
The cost of living goes up every time I have to listen to customer's opinions on politics. The cost being my soul.
I should have one the award in HS for most likely to smile while dead inside. Not class clown. Or maybe those two have always been the same thing.
In truth, I did try to volunteer at an animal shelter but they wouldn't let me because they thought I would too pawtective of the critters.
My cost of living is high because my inspirations are bottles of champagne and cheesecake.
I'm not dead inside but I have swallowed a few bugs on accident. So the dead is inside of me. This was also what happens when you get raped by a zombie.
A baby smiled and waved at me in Wal-Mart today. Which means that he was the only person that was happy to see me so far in the month of February. Further, in the year of 2020.
Jokes: 9 Short Jokes for the Sake of Meta Humor
"I can finish 10 blog posts of high quality content today." 2 hours and 17 shots of vodka later and I'm wondering why the champagne isn't bubbly and why can't I get off the floor? Still happy though.
I would've gotten up and got more done today but there was a 2-D animated rabbit messing with me all morning. I went to get carrots for him but he left to go mess with some hunter.
That last joke was about Bugs Bunny. I fucking love Bugs Bunny. All other fictional bunnies can go fuck themselves. Bugs4lyfe bitch
The irony of the first joke is that I never make high quality content.
I went to the grocery store to get groceries but decided to burn it down on the way. Somebody beat me to it. So I volunteered for the clean up crew. I meant to spend an evening there and nothing was gonna stop me.
Don't worry about that last joke, there is more than one grocery store in town.
I'm glad February is almost over. My neighbor told me that the apocalypse is starting in March and that will probably be more exciting than working a Valentine's day event in a restaurant.
Thanks to alcohol, I may have life threatening liver damage. But thanks to alcohol, I can find a way to smile about it.
Full disclosure, I'm not smiling about that last joke, I'm smirking with my eyes low.
The Answers: How to be a Piece of Shit at Work in 3 Easy Steps
Being a piece of shit at work is easy, and especially easy for people who are pieces of shit everywhere. If you're a lazy motherfucker then this list won't really make sense to you because you already do all of this shit by default. This is for the standard to good worker that is fed up with their bullshit work environment and want to learn a new way to conduct themselves at work. This is your guide for how to be a piece of shit at work in 3 easy steps.
The first and only rule to apply to these three steps is this: be uninvolved and take credit for everything good. This one rule will make your life so much easier and everyone else super pissed. Which is fine. Another name for this post could be "How to be Way More Selfish." Just think of those piece of shit lazy fucks that never do anything. They never work on a new project, never produce anything, never do anything. And yet, they still make it somehow. You are going to be one of those pieces of shit.
1. Work really hard for the first two weeks. You still remember how to work hard from doing it all your life. Now you just have to prove you can do it for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of excellence and the occasional 2 days ever there after is enough excellence to trick employers into thinking that you are good, but just having an off day. The kind of off day that turns into an off week, off month and then an off career.
2. Get clocked in and then sit down. This has to do with jobs where you are primarily standing. One way to make sure that you're sitting down as soon as you clock in is to save your bathroom trips for the moment that you clock in. Even if you're a guy, sit down for your pee. This is to permanently imprint on your mind that you must always be sitting and doing something that really isn't productive for the company. If something has to be done, you aren't the guy to do it. Everyone knows that if you're asked to do something, then they'll have to wait on you to lift your slow ass up out of the chair that you're in. Then you become a non-option for actual work. You just look at work as a place to hang out and get paid. Which is fine, if you're a piece of shit.
3. Take naps when you can and ask for a raise. You've already established that you won't be doing anything productive unless somebody is willing to struggle to get you to. This is great! Now you can start specializing your skill in finding places to sit down. By specializing, I mean finding more comfortable places to sit. This is to make it easier to get in your quick "power naps". When you're inevitably caught, you tell everyone that you "can't sleep lately, too stressed about work." This ploy for sympathy will make them feel guilty about asking you to get the fuck up and get something done. With that in place, you can groggily ask for a raise. You think that you'd be less stressed if your financials were in better shape. You're not asking much, just double pay for a reliable guy that always brings a great attitude. You're also responsible for everything good and had nothing to do with anything bad. All of this has been pretexted already if you've followed the steps correctly.
So there you go, "How to be a Piece of Shit at Work in 3 Easy Steps." You'll never have to work hard again, except for those occasional two days in a row. After the 5 year mark at your company, you'll only have to surprise people with 1 day of hard work at a time. These techniques definitely won't get you fired. They will be so thankful for those once to twice a month hard work days from you that they'll be overjoyed just to be in your presence.
The first and only rule to apply to these three steps is this: be uninvolved and take credit for everything good. This one rule will make your life so much easier and everyone else super pissed. Which is fine. Another name for this post could be "How to be Way More Selfish." Just think of those piece of shit lazy fucks that never do anything. They never work on a new project, never produce anything, never do anything. And yet, they still make it somehow. You are going to be one of those pieces of shit.
1. Work really hard for the first two weeks. You still remember how to work hard from doing it all your life. Now you just have to prove you can do it for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of excellence and the occasional 2 days ever there after is enough excellence to trick employers into thinking that you are good, but just having an off day. The kind of off day that turns into an off week, off month and then an off career.
2. Get clocked in and then sit down. This has to do with jobs where you are primarily standing. One way to make sure that you're sitting down as soon as you clock in is to save your bathroom trips for the moment that you clock in. Even if you're a guy, sit down for your pee. This is to permanently imprint on your mind that you must always be sitting and doing something that really isn't productive for the company. If something has to be done, you aren't the guy to do it. Everyone knows that if you're asked to do something, then they'll have to wait on you to lift your slow ass up out of the chair that you're in. Then you become a non-option for actual work. You just look at work as a place to hang out and get paid. Which is fine, if you're a piece of shit.
3. Take naps when you can and ask for a raise. You've already established that you won't be doing anything productive unless somebody is willing to struggle to get you to. This is great! Now you can start specializing your skill in finding places to sit down. By specializing, I mean finding more comfortable places to sit. This is to make it easier to get in your quick "power naps". When you're inevitably caught, you tell everyone that you "can't sleep lately, too stressed about work." This ploy for sympathy will make them feel guilty about asking you to get the fuck up and get something done. With that in place, you can groggily ask for a raise. You think that you'd be less stressed if your financials were in better shape. You're not asking much, just double pay for a reliable guy that always brings a great attitude. You're also responsible for everything good and had nothing to do with anything bad. All of this has been pretexted already if you've followed the steps correctly.
So there you go, "How to be a Piece of Shit at Work in 3 Easy Steps." You'll never have to work hard again, except for those occasional two days in a row. After the 5 year mark at your company, you'll only have to surprise people with 1 day of hard work at a time. These techniques definitely won't get you fired. They will be so thankful for those once to twice a month hard work days from you that they'll be overjoyed just to be in your presence.
Katherine Jenkins - I Vow To Thee My Country
Is there a more beautiful song than this? If you're not from the UK then just imagine that she is singing this song for your country. God I love this song. Doesn't matter how stoned drunk I am at the time, this rendition of the song can still leak a few tears out of my eyes. I also cry when I listen to Nessum Dorma by pretty much anybody that sings it. Your neighbor could sing Nessum Dorma and make me cry just because He/She tried their best to perform maybe the most beautiful song I've ever heard. I'm so drunk that my face is numb right now lol. So here is what the really boozy Comedy Apprentice is like. Crying at patriotic music and eating chicken biscuit crackers. They are so good. I should write a review for them. Anyway, cheers!
Shot Glass Thought: Some People Won't Move Out
I don't know why, but there are so many people living with their parents for way too long. I know a few Narcissists that moved back in just to have a consistent group of people to torture. One in particular that stands out is an Instagram model wannabe that celebrates shit like becoming an assistant manager at a makeup company like she just became the first female president. Way to go, enjoy your $15/hr which is way less than most full time servers. She is one of those broads that hangs out in the empty ass mall all day melting her hair out as a demonstration for potential customers. Living the dream yo, keep on hustling till you're bald. I guess then they'll transfer her to the high end doo-rag department.
It's definitely not all women though, not even close. I know a dude that is in his 30's and he has never moved out and never intends to unless he's getting married. But nobody wants to marry a 33 year old baby. So, he's gonna be living there till his parent's die and probably afterwards too. He's graduated college and has a pretty decent job, plenty of expendable income. Yet, he does nothing. What's the deal? Why do people do this? Is comfort that important to people? I don't know why the narcissist broad or the dumb guy won't grow up. Maybe they've got the same issue, both are incredibly selfish.
I am a loner, live alone, work alone pretty much and chase my dreams alone. Maybe I'll never get to where I want to be. To the place in life that I'm striving to get to, but at least I'm not back home torturing my parents with my constant bullshit. I don't cause constant bullshit, but being at home past the ages of 18 to early 20's is a fucking nuisance. I don't really care what the reasons are for being back with your parents for the long term, move the fuck out. It's not healthy to keep living with them like a baby. Get out here in the world with the rest of us miserable fucks and start cooking your own meals and doing your own shit.
It's definitely not all women though, not even close. I know a dude that is in his 30's and he has never moved out and never intends to unless he's getting married. But nobody wants to marry a 33 year old baby. So, he's gonna be living there till his parent's die and probably afterwards too. He's graduated college and has a pretty decent job, plenty of expendable income. Yet, he does nothing. What's the deal? Why do people do this? Is comfort that important to people? I don't know why the narcissist broad or the dumb guy won't grow up. Maybe they've got the same issue, both are incredibly selfish.
I am a loner, live alone, work alone pretty much and chase my dreams alone. Maybe I'll never get to where I want to be. To the place in life that I'm striving to get to, but at least I'm not back home torturing my parents with my constant bullshit. I don't cause constant bullshit, but being at home past the ages of 18 to early 20's is a fucking nuisance. I don't really care what the reasons are for being back with your parents for the long term, move the fuck out. It's not healthy to keep living with them like a baby. Get out here in the world with the rest of us miserable fucks and start cooking your own meals and doing your own shit.
Shot Glass Thought: Life Keeps Going No Matter How Badly You Fail
This is not a message of inspiration. Nor should anyone take heart knowing that there will be more opportunities for them in life no matter how bad they fuck up. This is a reminder that unless your fuck up kills you, you'll have to go on living as a fuck up. Pretty much all the time in life, you'll swing and miss on the most important days of your life. I've already struck out on 2 love of my life candidates. Honestly, I wasn't that close to sealing the deal with either of them. At least with one of them I did my best. I still pester them with my friendship and I'm thankful for that. But you should not be.
My family and teachers wanted me to go off to University and become some kind of great academic and for while, I really gave it my best shot. But I failed, and the reason why I failed is because of a prior failure that I never dealt with. I failed to achieve my own financial independence until I had already left for college. I failed to realize that I had no interest in college and only wanted to become a comedian. So I started drinking and letting that consume me which led to the failure in school and helped to orchestrate the failure with a possible dream come true kind of woman. I have succeeded in becoming a pretty good bartender. I've succeeded in writing tons of jokes and posts for this website. That's pretty much it.
The things that I have accomplished, I am proud of. I am a good friend and a pretty safe driver and blah blah blah. All the peripheral shit I have down. Maybe there is still time to find that third love of my life candidate and maybe she'll be worth all the waiting and sorrow. But the other things that I've failed haunt me everyday. The love I had for basketball and all the injuries that I absorbed from it has left me in chronic pain. All for nothing. The family members that I spent the most time with weren't the ones that I should have been with. I've lost the ones that I should have visited more. The time spent elsewhere, was all but wasted.
Before you ask, yes I'm down in the dumps. I feel so far from where I want to be and I'm only barely out of a miserable situation that required an unbelievable amount of effort to get away from. So what do I do now? I just keep going and try to be kind to myself. I know I'm a failure and piece of shit for the most part. I know I've let down every expectation, but I'll just keep writing jokes anyway. I don't know what advice I can give except keep on moving forward and don't be like me.
Jokes
Murder stories on YouTube responsible for brutal killing of entire workday.
Aloof kitchen sink too far for cotton mouthed stoner.
Ex-Pilot becomes deep sea diver reaching all time low.
I'd have sex with a robot but only if it took me out for cheesecake first.
My family and teachers wanted me to go off to University and become some kind of great academic and for while, I really gave it my best shot. But I failed, and the reason why I failed is because of a prior failure that I never dealt with. I failed to achieve my own financial independence until I had already left for college. I failed to realize that I had no interest in college and only wanted to become a comedian. So I started drinking and letting that consume me which led to the failure in school and helped to orchestrate the failure with a possible dream come true kind of woman. I have succeeded in becoming a pretty good bartender. I've succeeded in writing tons of jokes and posts for this website. That's pretty much it.
The things that I have accomplished, I am proud of. I am a good friend and a pretty safe driver and blah blah blah. All the peripheral shit I have down. Maybe there is still time to find that third love of my life candidate and maybe she'll be worth all the waiting and sorrow. But the other things that I've failed haunt me everyday. The love I had for basketball and all the injuries that I absorbed from it has left me in chronic pain. All for nothing. The family members that I spent the most time with weren't the ones that I should have been with. I've lost the ones that I should have visited more. The time spent elsewhere, was all but wasted.
Before you ask, yes I'm down in the dumps. I feel so far from where I want to be and I'm only barely out of a miserable situation that required an unbelievable amount of effort to get away from. So what do I do now? I just keep going and try to be kind to myself. I know I'm a failure and piece of shit for the most part. I know I've let down every expectation, but I'll just keep writing jokes anyway. I don't know what advice I can give except keep on moving forward and don't be like me.
Jokes
Murder stories on YouTube responsible for brutal killing of entire workday.
Aloof kitchen sink too far for cotton mouthed stoner.
Ex-Pilot becomes deep sea diver reaching all time low.
I'd have sex with a robot but only if it took me out for cheesecake first.
The Answers: Why Should I be Afraid of Strangers in Rural North Carolina?
The reason why you should at least be cautious of strangers in rural NC is the same reason why you should be cautious anywhere. There is no more evil a creature, nor a creature capable of more evil than a human being. This is why the world of business, sales, exchanges of good and services is so comforting to me. There are incentives in place that protect you from complete unbridled insanity. Make no mistake, I've worked for and with plenty of nut jobs. Some people might consider me to be one of those nut jobs. You're just less likely to be abducted and killed by the guy that you have a turkey sandwich with in the break room everyday.
Out in the woods, out in the sketchy part of town at a sketchy party, there is almost no predicting what can happen. On the scale of paranoid, I fall somewhere in the middle of slightly paranoid to "Why is my toaster telling me to groom my neighbor's dog?". I am slow to trust and really quick to peace out. I don't like circumstances that mess with my gut feeling. I'll bail on almost anything if I get a bad feeling about it. Another one of my good rules is "If you feel like you're being watched, you are." Your senses are stronger than you think. My paranoia and distrust of my fellow man is much stronger. I've watched far too many crime documentaries to start buddying up with strangers and making tons of new friends on a whim.
All this being said, I'm really considering becoming a RentAFriend. It's a real thing, believe it or not. You can be paid to be someone's friend for an afternoon. The rates range from 10-50 dollars an hour. You are usually asked to show people around town, go out drinking or go to the movies. Stuff like that. I think I might love that. Plus, I'm not really the kind of person that rapists are looking for. I'm a hairy, old bald fat guy. That's not prime rapin' material from what I've read about rapists. Plus, I'm a great friend. I can make you laugh, I'm a good conservationist and a better listener.
People find me to be really easy to trust and be around. I am not totally sure why that is but it is. I think I'd like to specialize in hanging out with old people if I go through with it. I can absorb their wisdom and they have someone to talk to. It's a win win. Plus, it's pretty hard to get raped and abducted by someone in their 80's when you're a 26 year old in his 40's.
Out in the woods, out in the sketchy part of town at a sketchy party, there is almost no predicting what can happen. On the scale of paranoid, I fall somewhere in the middle of slightly paranoid to "Why is my toaster telling me to groom my neighbor's dog?". I am slow to trust and really quick to peace out. I don't like circumstances that mess with my gut feeling. I'll bail on almost anything if I get a bad feeling about it. Another one of my good rules is "If you feel like you're being watched, you are." Your senses are stronger than you think. My paranoia and distrust of my fellow man is much stronger. I've watched far too many crime documentaries to start buddying up with strangers and making tons of new friends on a whim.
All this being said, I'm really considering becoming a RentAFriend. It's a real thing, believe it or not. You can be paid to be someone's friend for an afternoon. The rates range from 10-50 dollars an hour. You are usually asked to show people around town, go out drinking or go to the movies. Stuff like that. I think I might love that. Plus, I'm not really the kind of person that rapists are looking for. I'm a hairy, old bald fat guy. That's not prime rapin' material from what I've read about rapists. Plus, I'm a great friend. I can make you laugh, I'm a good conservationist and a better listener.
People find me to be really easy to trust and be around. I am not totally sure why that is but it is. I think I'd like to specialize in hanging out with old people if I go through with it. I can absorb their wisdom and they have someone to talk to. It's a win win. Plus, it's pretty hard to get raped and abducted by someone in their 80's when you're a 26 year old in his 40's.
Shot Glass Thought: Take a Walk After the Rain and Smell the Air
For anyone that can, taking a walk is always a good thing. Post rain, even better. You don't have to go a crazy long way or make it to a specific target or anything like that. You just walk for a bit in some direction. I find this is the best way to combat depression. Besides doing, like a million other things. But this really helps me. It's not so good that you should stop taking your meds or anything. It's just good. One of the simple things that makes life a little bit better.
Think of all the days where work bitches at you, the TV and the news bitches at you. Your Facebook and your Twitter and your Email are all trying to sell you something or bitch at you. Sometimes it's just too much. If you can safely leave all technology behind and just take a short walk ever so often, you'll find that the world is so much more simple. I am the kind of guy that reads exhaustively. I can pretty much read almost every bit of text that I see everyday without getting tired. That's not a boast, it's just true. At the end of 7 days of reading and checking everything at work and constantly communicating and keeping up with family and loved ones, I'm spent.
I had a friend in HS that could barely read. He was a good dude, didn't think of much. Just liked certain things and people and just went about life, not thinking about things. He'd think about one thing at a time if he did think about something. Now, I couldn't function if I tried to emulate that full time. But ever so often, taking things the way he did can really help ease my mind. Taking a walk if good, but for full mind easing refreshment, take a walk after a rain. Really smell the air and take in all your surroundings. The world, which goes to fast even on it's slowest days, really seems to slow down when I do that.
Here's a couple jokes to compliment this post. I read it back and I didn't really think it was all that funny lol so here you go:
1. Joe Biden to skip the primary in NH by dressing in a frilly dress and skipping around picking flowers in South Carolina.
2. Taliban uneasy about signing peace deal with the US. Taliban leaders base their concerns on a consultation with Native Americans. The topic of discussion was indeed, peace treaties.
3. Unflappable Syrian soldiers continue their civil war to decide who will rule Syria, a country which is now 78% craters.
Think of all the days where work bitches at you, the TV and the news bitches at you. Your Facebook and your Twitter and your Email are all trying to sell you something or bitch at you. Sometimes it's just too much. If you can safely leave all technology behind and just take a short walk ever so often, you'll find that the world is so much more simple. I am the kind of guy that reads exhaustively. I can pretty much read almost every bit of text that I see everyday without getting tired. That's not a boast, it's just true. At the end of 7 days of reading and checking everything at work and constantly communicating and keeping up with family and loved ones, I'm spent.
I had a friend in HS that could barely read. He was a good dude, didn't think of much. Just liked certain things and people and just went about life, not thinking about things. He'd think about one thing at a time if he did think about something. Now, I couldn't function if I tried to emulate that full time. But ever so often, taking things the way he did can really help ease my mind. Taking a walk if good, but for full mind easing refreshment, take a walk after a rain. Really smell the air and take in all your surroundings. The world, which goes to fast even on it's slowest days, really seems to slow down when I do that.
Here's a couple jokes to compliment this post. I read it back and I didn't really think it was all that funny lol so here you go:
1. Joe Biden to skip the primary in NH by dressing in a frilly dress and skipping around picking flowers in South Carolina.
2. Taliban uneasy about signing peace deal with the US. Taliban leaders base their concerns on a consultation with Native Americans. The topic of discussion was indeed, peace treaties.
3. Unflappable Syrian soldiers continue their civil war to decide who will rule Syria, a country which is now 78% craters.
Shot Glass Thought: I Want to Learn More About Micro Dosing Psychedelics
Depression fucks you everyday and never asks permission first. It weighs you down and makes you miserable. When I'm depressed, my decision making is worse, my romance dies and my friends think that I'm a different person. At the time of this writing, my meds are being re-evaluated and I'm pretty much making due without them for the time being. So, you may conclude that I feel like shit. You're right, I feel as foul and unproductive as a person can. I'm still doing stuff, but I feel like I'm doing the minimum.
This is where the micro dosing comes in. I have been depressed for so long that I am ready for something unconventional. I am worried about triggering psychosis because I've had trouble with that in the past. I'm not going to go into great detail, because that's not what this post is about. Though, I think I have referenced it and made jokes about it before. Some of which, were really funny. One story that comes to mind is a time period in my life when I thought that I could fly. Everyday I would wake up brimming with confidence, joy and poorly masked mania because "Today, I'm GONNA FLY!"
The period of consistent delusion is far behind me now. Depression on the other hand, remains. I have taken psychedelics in the past and abused alcohol. But I've never taken small doses of anything. I have heard that micro dosing LSD and shrooms can help you regulate serotonin. That's really the issue right? The serotonin in my brain is fucked? Or maybe, I'm just "A millennial snowflake that can't cope with the real world! Probably a cross-dressing liberal too!".
No, I'm not any of that. I just feel like complete poo all the time. Although, I suppose that it is true that I struggle with coping with every day life. There are times when it doesn't matter what I do, I just feel awful. Except writing jokes, that's something I always feel like doing if only for a little while. Whatever I decide to do, I'm going to do more research. Not just on this, but on how to be more funny, be a better friend, how to be more wise. So on and so forth. I don't want to make something like this a quick, in-the-moment kind of decision. I'm not the kind of guy that goes out for groceries on Thursday and then somehow ends up married in Vegas by Monday.
The Answers: What Does it Mean When You Dream About Snakes?
This is a question that I'm sure all of us have asked at some point. Usually when we wake up out of breath and in a sweat over a nightmare involving a snake. I'm particularly interested in finding out what these dreams mean according to the internet because I am prone to having a wide variety of snake related dreams. I'll discuss a few here before I get started for looking this stuff up. But first, would you like to read my take on some on the current geopolitical landscape?
Didn't think so. Snakes bite me in my dreams all the time. They are always normal sized snakes in these dreams. Another dream about snakes that I frequently have is when I go to investigate something out in nature. I'll be pulling rubble away and digging deeper into the ground when I'll come across a pattern. When I start pulling at it like a total numb nut, the patterned rubble reveals itself to be several pythons all piled together. Then, I turn around and see that I am impossibly surrounded by snakes.
The number of snakes around me is so great that I would not be able to take a single step without making contact with one of them. This is a level of panic comparable to when I attend any big gathering that I'm not working. Work gives structure and purpose to a giant loud shindig. But participation just makes me want to drink until I wake up sleeping with goats in a barn while my phone plays Sinatra radio on Pandora.
The last snake dream that I can think of right now happened a long time ago. I guess, maybe 5 or 6 years ago. That seems like a long time to me. I'm swimming on the surface of a lake in the dream and feel a sudden urge to look under the water. I carry on swimming but the urge gets greater. Finally, I look under the water and see that the lake is impossibly deep. There are skyscraper sized snakes underneath me. I don't scream as they are just swimming along not noticing me. But then I look down below all the other snakes. There is a green snake that seems to be looking right at me. I pull my head up from the water and look for a possible way to escape. When I look back down under the water, the green snake dashes toward me to consume me and I wake up, having thoroughly shit the bed.
So now, let's actually get some answers from the internet. Looks like if snakes scare you and one bites you in your dream, it could mean that there is some unpredictable element in your life. Snakes are unpredictable like that. There is not very much in my life that is unpredictable now, but the last several years were extremely unpredictable. I never knew where I'd be working, what I'd be doing. It was pretty tough. Nowadays, I'm positive every morning when I wake up that I'll be writing about making a poo in the bed after a scary dream or any other number of comparable scenarios.
Snakes that are hidden or are hard to find like I described in the digging through the rubble scenario can mean that there is a betrayal coming your way. Most people, myself included never see a betrayal coming. So, that makes sense to me. Well, I'm pretty sure that I'll be betrayed soon on account of a text that I received from an untraceable phone number. It read "Expect a betrayal soon." Pretty ominous huh? That message is pretty cut and dry even for someone as dense as me. Of course, there could always be some underlying symbolism to it I suppose. Maybe that will be another post on a later day. "Understanding Cryptic and Scary Messages from Strangers."...."In 3 quick steps." "Number 2 is INSANE!" Yeah, probably not going to happen unless I get a cryptic, scary message telling me that I have to make that post.
There is a bit of information on my giant, green snake dream. A big green snake being in the dream is supposed to be a promise of recovery for the ill. That's interesting because at the time that I had the dream I was going through some serious mental illness. Seeing tons of snakes underwater might have meant that I was in an unfavorable situation. That was also very true at the time. I am since enjoying much better working and living circumstances. This has been a fun post to make, I'll probably cover more dream related stuff in the future. I'm one of those kooks that remembers their dreams without writing them down sometimes. Look for more stuff like this in the future.
These are my sources:
https://checkmydream.com/dream-meaning/big--snake
http://www.dreammoods.com/commondreams/snake-dreams.html
Didn't think so. Snakes bite me in my dreams all the time. They are always normal sized snakes in these dreams. Another dream about snakes that I frequently have is when I go to investigate something out in nature. I'll be pulling rubble away and digging deeper into the ground when I'll come across a pattern. When I start pulling at it like a total numb nut, the patterned rubble reveals itself to be several pythons all piled together. Then, I turn around and see that I am impossibly surrounded by snakes.
The number of snakes around me is so great that I would not be able to take a single step without making contact with one of them. This is a level of panic comparable to when I attend any big gathering that I'm not working. Work gives structure and purpose to a giant loud shindig. But participation just makes me want to drink until I wake up sleeping with goats in a barn while my phone plays Sinatra radio on Pandora.
The last snake dream that I can think of right now happened a long time ago. I guess, maybe 5 or 6 years ago. That seems like a long time to me. I'm swimming on the surface of a lake in the dream and feel a sudden urge to look under the water. I carry on swimming but the urge gets greater. Finally, I look under the water and see that the lake is impossibly deep. There are skyscraper sized snakes underneath me. I don't scream as they are just swimming along not noticing me. But then I look down below all the other snakes. There is a green snake that seems to be looking right at me. I pull my head up from the water and look for a possible way to escape. When I look back down under the water, the green snake dashes toward me to consume me and I wake up, having thoroughly shit the bed.
So now, let's actually get some answers from the internet. Looks like if snakes scare you and one bites you in your dream, it could mean that there is some unpredictable element in your life. Snakes are unpredictable like that. There is not very much in my life that is unpredictable now, but the last several years were extremely unpredictable. I never knew where I'd be working, what I'd be doing. It was pretty tough. Nowadays, I'm positive every morning when I wake up that I'll be writing about making a poo in the bed after a scary dream or any other number of comparable scenarios.
Snakes that are hidden or are hard to find like I described in the digging through the rubble scenario can mean that there is a betrayal coming your way. Most people, myself included never see a betrayal coming. So, that makes sense to me. Well, I'm pretty sure that I'll be betrayed soon on account of a text that I received from an untraceable phone number. It read "Expect a betrayal soon." Pretty ominous huh? That message is pretty cut and dry even for someone as dense as me. Of course, there could always be some underlying symbolism to it I suppose. Maybe that will be another post on a later day. "Understanding Cryptic and Scary Messages from Strangers."...."In 3 quick steps." "Number 2 is INSANE!" Yeah, probably not going to happen unless I get a cryptic, scary message telling me that I have to make that post.
There is a bit of information on my giant, green snake dream. A big green snake being in the dream is supposed to be a promise of recovery for the ill. That's interesting because at the time that I had the dream I was going through some serious mental illness. Seeing tons of snakes underwater might have meant that I was in an unfavorable situation. That was also very true at the time. I am since enjoying much better working and living circumstances. This has been a fun post to make, I'll probably cover more dream related stuff in the future. I'm one of those kooks that remembers their dreams without writing them down sometimes. Look for more stuff like this in the future.
These are my sources:
https://checkmydream.com/dream-meaning/big--snake
http://www.dreammoods.com/commondreams/snake-dreams.html
The Answers: How To Make My Belly Fatter
A lot of people want flat abs and a sexy beach bod and all that shit. Not me. I ain't looking to live forever because getting old sucks. Plus, have you ever fell on your face before? Well I haven't because my belly is in the way of that. Now some of you are starting to come over to my side eh? Flat abs and all that may or may not be good for your face. Anyway, I'm here to provide you with my well researched and properly tested techniques for making your belly fatter.
1. Add sugar to everything
Adding sugar has been found to be an incredibly unhealthy thing to do. So do it. Sugar doesn't even really taste that good. Be honest with yourself, you can't really say what sugar tastes like. It's sweet sure, but what does that really mean? I don't know and I can't tell you, but I can tell you that my coffee is mixed with Coca-Cola and 11 packets of raw sugar. I like to add some much that there remains a grainy texture in the drink. Sometimes I fill a bowl with sugar and dump one cup of coffee in there with for a crunchy, mushy sugar soup. Some other ways you can apply this is to dump sugar over your popcorn, garnish your salad with sugar, soak your burger buns in honey and have molasses syrup as your toothpaste.
2. No more protein
Protein has been proven to be good for weight loss. So we don't want any of that. Later in this post I'll describe how we won't be moving anymore. Well, that'd be impossible unless we die, which we want to happen. I've spoken with a few immortals and they all have tremendous buyer's remorse. Apparently, all the aches and pains of getting old just keep getting worse indefinitely. So, my heart goes out to all the 1000 year old vampires that read my blog.
3. No more movement
Right, so we aren't going to be exercising anymore and if we do have to move we need to make it minimal. If you're a hard working server out there, it's time to become a lazy piece of shit that drags the rest of the team down. In all likelihood, you already have someone like that on the team, so their impact shouldn't be difficult to replicate. Think of yourself as a tick. You're only alive to feed off of someone else and then die as a giant bloated bag of blood. I'm not gonna lie, I deleted that last sentence a few times before deciding to move on. It's pretty damn disgusting.
4. Guzzle fruit juice
Here's a little, or maybe somewhat known fact, fruit juices aren't that great for you. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to know what is known in the first place. That's really kind of arrogant on my part to pose like I might know what people do and do not know. Which brings me to this most pressing question, do you think that our world is ruled by a sentient computer? I wouldn't be surprised if at the bottom of the internet depths, there lived a sentient super computer with designs for world domination through mental manipulation. Sending signals that change us into drooling slaves through memes and other internet culture bullshit. Lemme know what you think in the comments.
Back to fruit juice, everything has a serving size for a reason. Fruit juice is full of sugar. Sugar is something that we're already adding to our tacos, pizza and cheeseburgers if you're following along correctly. Fruits are full of sugar to begin with, but when you drink the kind that has had tons of the cocaine looking sweet stuff thrown in, double whammy. So, forget soda and beer/wine. We are gonna guzzle fruit juices, the sweeter the better. If you follow my steps detailed here, you'll no doubt succeed in making your belly fatter.
Disclaimer: Obviously, don't do any of this shit.
1. Add sugar to everything
Adding sugar has been found to be an incredibly unhealthy thing to do. So do it. Sugar doesn't even really taste that good. Be honest with yourself, you can't really say what sugar tastes like. It's sweet sure, but what does that really mean? I don't know and I can't tell you, but I can tell you that my coffee is mixed with Coca-Cola and 11 packets of raw sugar. I like to add some much that there remains a grainy texture in the drink. Sometimes I fill a bowl with sugar and dump one cup of coffee in there with for a crunchy, mushy sugar soup. Some other ways you can apply this is to dump sugar over your popcorn, garnish your salad with sugar, soak your burger buns in honey and have molasses syrup as your toothpaste.
2. No more protein
Protein has been proven to be good for weight loss. So we don't want any of that. Later in this post I'll describe how we won't be moving anymore. Well, that'd be impossible unless we die, which we want to happen. I've spoken with a few immortals and they all have tremendous buyer's remorse. Apparently, all the aches and pains of getting old just keep getting worse indefinitely. So, my heart goes out to all the 1000 year old vampires that read my blog.
3. No more movement
Right, so we aren't going to be exercising anymore and if we do have to move we need to make it minimal. If you're a hard working server out there, it's time to become a lazy piece of shit that drags the rest of the team down. In all likelihood, you already have someone like that on the team, so their impact shouldn't be difficult to replicate. Think of yourself as a tick. You're only alive to feed off of someone else and then die as a giant bloated bag of blood. I'm not gonna lie, I deleted that last sentence a few times before deciding to move on. It's pretty damn disgusting.
4. Guzzle fruit juice
Here's a little, or maybe somewhat known fact, fruit juices aren't that great for you. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to know what is known in the first place. That's really kind of arrogant on my part to pose like I might know what people do and do not know. Which brings me to this most pressing question, do you think that our world is ruled by a sentient computer? I wouldn't be surprised if at the bottom of the internet depths, there lived a sentient super computer with designs for world domination through mental manipulation. Sending signals that change us into drooling slaves through memes and other internet culture bullshit. Lemme know what you think in the comments.
Back to fruit juice, everything has a serving size for a reason. Fruit juice is full of sugar. Sugar is something that we're already adding to our tacos, pizza and cheeseburgers if you're following along correctly. Fruits are full of sugar to begin with, but when you drink the kind that has had tons of the cocaine looking sweet stuff thrown in, double whammy. So, forget soda and beer/wine. We are gonna guzzle fruit juices, the sweeter the better. If you follow my steps detailed here, you'll no doubt succeed in making your belly fatter.
Disclaimer: Obviously, don't do any of this shit.
The Answers: 5 Ways to Choose the Right Escort
Right, so I've never been with an escort or used a catalog to find one or anything like that. But I have been on the internet! All it takes to pick the perfect paid partner is a quick analysis of yourself and a quick analysis of the women available. So here we go with 5 ways to choose the right escort.
1. Check her eyes to see if she is dead inside. This can be done by looking for lines in her face on the pictures where she is smiling. If there are no pictures where she is smiling then she has already chewed up and spit out 17 other guys just like you. So, for the love of God leave her be! If you find a lady that has laugh lines but no shimmering, moisture like presence in the eyes then it means that she's good at faking human emotions and that she has cannibalized 17 other guys just like you, so for the love of God...well do what you got to do I guess. If you can find one with laugh lines and shimmering eyes then you are ready to book.
2. Check the price. Price is the main determinant of whether or not you start considering the cannibal or the serial killer broads. If possible, whatever it is in life, it's usually a good idea to go for the best. Try to date the best women, have the best grades, take the best job. But sometimes life has a different plan. And you Googled something along the lines of "how to choose an escort", so obviously your plans are a bit on the fritz. Life's plan usually doesn't pare up to perfectly with your wallet's plan. So use discretion here, and maybe think about saving up if you can only afford the serial killers and the cannibals.
3. Perform an image search on her profile pictures to make sure that she isn't a catfish. Also, look for her Facebook. I'll be honest with you I've taken both of these from the show Catfish on MTV. I never watch TV except for when I go home to visit my family. Last time I did, they were watching Catfish. So, I learned a few things while being entertained.
4. Light a candle and hum for 28 minutes in front of their picture. When you open your eyes, you'll either see a future full of love with her or you'll see her fleeing the scene of your murder. If you get number 2, then try another girl. This is the fail safe method for avoiding a really good fake or for finding the one cheap chick that you initially thought might drug you and sell you to a human trafficker. This method will show you that you can't always judge a book by it's cover. You can also use this method to peak inside the courtroom of your eventual killer's trial. That is if you decide to risk it with a number 2 option. I get it, we all have a taste for danger at some point.
Pro Tip: Be careful when you're sitting down that your nut sack isn't about to get pinched by your pants. It's fucking agony and now I wish I wouldn't have left to go pee in the first place. But if I hadn't done that then I'd be neglecting my bladder. That's not good either, so take my advice, nothing is good.
5. Make sure that she isn't a prostitute. In some places in Nevada there can be a legal hiring of a prostitute. But everywhere else in America there stands to reason that the person that you are soliciting is in fact an officer of the law. Escorts are supposed to be something else. Someone that you can't have sex with but they will dress up and pretend to be high class at your law school reunion cocktail party. I suppose in Vegas, escort and prostitute can mean the same thing sometimes but the whole world isn't Vegas. You don't want your mugshot in the paper and your ass in jail just because you're too lazy to form a connection with someone and earn the pussy like the rest of the civilized world. Or you're too cheap to go to Vegas to get what you want.
Now you may be wondering, what part of this has to do with self analysis? You taught me how to analyze the potential escorts, but you never told me how to analyze myself. Well, here's the thing, you have to go through the entire process of selecting the escort first, but not paying the money. I assume it's the kind of thing that you have to do up front. Then give yourself 5 reasons why you shouldn't proceed. If you can't come up with any, well then let natural selection take it's course. If you come up with any at all, then your logical brain will hopefully take over and you'll call the whole thing off. After that, maybe you could see a psychologist? I never finished any school that wasn't high school or community college, so I can't tell you whats up with you.
1. Check her eyes to see if she is dead inside. This can be done by looking for lines in her face on the pictures where she is smiling. If there are no pictures where she is smiling then she has already chewed up and spit out 17 other guys just like you. So, for the love of God leave her be! If you find a lady that has laugh lines but no shimmering, moisture like presence in the eyes then it means that she's good at faking human emotions and that she has cannibalized 17 other guys just like you, so for the love of God...well do what you got to do I guess. If you can find one with laugh lines and shimmering eyes then you are ready to book.
2. Check the price. Price is the main determinant of whether or not you start considering the cannibal or the serial killer broads. If possible, whatever it is in life, it's usually a good idea to go for the best. Try to date the best women, have the best grades, take the best job. But sometimes life has a different plan. And you Googled something along the lines of "how to choose an escort", so obviously your plans are a bit on the fritz. Life's plan usually doesn't pare up to perfectly with your wallet's plan. So use discretion here, and maybe think about saving up if you can only afford the serial killers and the cannibals.
3. Perform an image search on her profile pictures to make sure that she isn't a catfish. Also, look for her Facebook. I'll be honest with you I've taken both of these from the show Catfish on MTV. I never watch TV except for when I go home to visit my family. Last time I did, they were watching Catfish. So, I learned a few things while being entertained.
4. Light a candle and hum for 28 minutes in front of their picture. When you open your eyes, you'll either see a future full of love with her or you'll see her fleeing the scene of your murder. If you get number 2, then try another girl. This is the fail safe method for avoiding a really good fake or for finding the one cheap chick that you initially thought might drug you and sell you to a human trafficker. This method will show you that you can't always judge a book by it's cover. You can also use this method to peak inside the courtroom of your eventual killer's trial. That is if you decide to risk it with a number 2 option. I get it, we all have a taste for danger at some point.
Pro Tip: Be careful when you're sitting down that your nut sack isn't about to get pinched by your pants. It's fucking agony and now I wish I wouldn't have left to go pee in the first place. But if I hadn't done that then I'd be neglecting my bladder. That's not good either, so take my advice, nothing is good.
5. Make sure that she isn't a prostitute. In some places in Nevada there can be a legal hiring of a prostitute. But everywhere else in America there stands to reason that the person that you are soliciting is in fact an officer of the law. Escorts are supposed to be something else. Someone that you can't have sex with but they will dress up and pretend to be high class at your law school reunion cocktail party. I suppose in Vegas, escort and prostitute can mean the same thing sometimes but the whole world isn't Vegas. You don't want your mugshot in the paper and your ass in jail just because you're too lazy to form a connection with someone and earn the pussy like the rest of the civilized world. Or you're too cheap to go to Vegas to get what you want.
Now you may be wondering, what part of this has to do with self analysis? You taught me how to analyze the potential escorts, but you never told me how to analyze myself. Well, here's the thing, you have to go through the entire process of selecting the escort first, but not paying the money. I assume it's the kind of thing that you have to do up front. Then give yourself 5 reasons why you shouldn't proceed. If you can't come up with any, well then let natural selection take it's course. If you come up with any at all, then your logical brain will hopefully take over and you'll call the whole thing off. After that, maybe you could see a psychologist? I never finished any school that wasn't high school or community college, so I can't tell you whats up with you.
Jokes: The News that you Need, Now, When You Need It
1. Vicious memes blamed for death of 5 minutes of free time.
2. Cat doctors making great leaps in treating cocky mouse syndrome.
3. Local residents of Bridgewater, NJ are upset that a former Wal-Mart site is being converted into a medical marijuana dispensary. The locals were hoping that the site would finish what Wal-Mart started and become a 24 hour meth den.
4. In further news that knowing will not benefit you whatsoever, President Trump was acquitted on impeachment charges. This comes as a surprise to nobody and meant nothing from start to finish. Which just goes to prove what I've always believed, fuck the government.
5. Media heads flew after covering the reincarnation of Genghis Khan and his Mongol hoard.
6. Doctors recommend less marijuana for those with high functioning anxiety, saying that without weed, their condition will be cured.
7. Plucky upstart social media company specializes in introducing people who are interested in apple orchards.
2. Cat doctors making great leaps in treating cocky mouse syndrome.
3. Local residents of Bridgewater, NJ are upset that a former Wal-Mart site is being converted into a medical marijuana dispensary. The locals were hoping that the site would finish what Wal-Mart started and become a 24 hour meth den.
4. In further news that knowing will not benefit you whatsoever, President Trump was acquitted on impeachment charges. This comes as a surprise to nobody and meant nothing from start to finish. Which just goes to prove what I've always believed, fuck the government.
5. Media heads flew after covering the reincarnation of Genghis Khan and his Mongol hoard.
6. Doctors recommend less marijuana for those with high functioning anxiety, saying that without weed, their condition will be cured.
7. Plucky upstart social media company specializes in introducing people who are interested in apple orchards.
The Answers: How to Become a Travel Blogger and get Paid
I've never been out of this country except when I went on a prolonged field trip to Denmark.We didn't do much learning, but we did do a good deal of drinking. Also, nobody paid me to do it. So you'd be justified in saying that I have no fucking clue about what I'm talking about. But I have been on the internet. School teaches you how to synthesize a piece of knowledge from information. This is the first step in making use of the internet. The internet is the biggest, baddest thing in the world and we all need to chronicle our every movement on there so that crime can be much easier. Here's how to travel around the world and get paid.
1. You use your blog as means to get freelance work. Work that you will completely half-ass. If there's one thing I've learned from being a piece of shit, it's that good people will always give you a second chance. Just charge more money than anybody else and re-brand yourself as a new man every time that you apply for something new. Works every time, and it will make you money enough to keep from being somebody's employee. Also, make sure that you're from a country where there is tons of expendable income. That really seems to help.
2. Network with other bloggers that are more popular than you. This will keep you in the conversation of what seems to be important without forcing you to contribute anything of value. This is the only easy way to become famous. Used to, fame was something that the most outstanding people in a specific field earned. Now, outstanding people are still famous but they are forced to collaborate with irrelevant clingers that contribute nothing. You must become one of those parasites.
3. Monetize yourself using affiliate marketing. 99% of affiliate marketers fail because as a whole, this is a nearly impossible thing to make money on unless you have a ton of traffic. Not only that, but the traffic has to be for that specific thing that you are promoting. Also consider, nearly every source of information about affiliate marketing is not useful because it's provided by people that never made a penny in affiliate marketing. It's just some of the 99% that never made any money that are trying to recoup their losses by pretending like they made it rich and now they wanna share it with you. So, when I say that you should monetize yourself with affiliate marketing, I mean you should go fuck yourself and do something else.
4. Travel to a new country, become a sex worker/drug mule in order to leave. Let's be honest, you didn't make any money on ads, affiliate marketing or freelance services. You did a few freelance jobs for about 15 bucks total. You found out that it's pretty hard to compete with a more qualified candidate for those jobs when they are living in the third world and can bid pennies for the job that you need to receive dollars for. Your affiliate links haven't been clicked a single time. Your ads don't do anything because nobody is going to your site. But you decided to visit Paris on your parent's coin anyway. Assuring them that this will be your big break and that you'll be paying them back in no time. Now you've gotta break the law in order to get back home. Just make sure to keep updating your Instagram with motivational bullshit about how your entire life and perspective is changing due to this powerful experience.
1. You use your blog as means to get freelance work. Work that you will completely half-ass. If there's one thing I've learned from being a piece of shit, it's that good people will always give you a second chance. Just charge more money than anybody else and re-brand yourself as a new man every time that you apply for something new. Works every time, and it will make you money enough to keep from being somebody's employee. Also, make sure that you're from a country where there is tons of expendable income. That really seems to help.
2. Network with other bloggers that are more popular than you. This will keep you in the conversation of what seems to be important without forcing you to contribute anything of value. This is the only easy way to become famous. Used to, fame was something that the most outstanding people in a specific field earned. Now, outstanding people are still famous but they are forced to collaborate with irrelevant clingers that contribute nothing. You must become one of those parasites.
3. Monetize yourself using affiliate marketing. 99% of affiliate marketers fail because as a whole, this is a nearly impossible thing to make money on unless you have a ton of traffic. Not only that, but the traffic has to be for that specific thing that you are promoting. Also consider, nearly every source of information about affiliate marketing is not useful because it's provided by people that never made a penny in affiliate marketing. It's just some of the 99% that never made any money that are trying to recoup their losses by pretending like they made it rich and now they wanna share it with you. So, when I say that you should monetize yourself with affiliate marketing, I mean you should go fuck yourself and do something else.
4. Travel to a new country, become a sex worker/drug mule in order to leave. Let's be honest, you didn't make any money on ads, affiliate marketing or freelance services. You did a few freelance jobs for about 15 bucks total. You found out that it's pretty hard to compete with a more qualified candidate for those jobs when they are living in the third world and can bid pennies for the job that you need to receive dollars for. Your affiliate links haven't been clicked a single time. Your ads don't do anything because nobody is going to your site. But you decided to visit Paris on your parent's coin anyway. Assuring them that this will be your big break and that you'll be paying them back in no time. Now you've gotta break the law in order to get back home. Just make sure to keep updating your Instagram with motivational bullshit about how your entire life and perspective is changing due to this powerful experience.
The Answers: How to Become a Chick Magnet in 4 Easy Steps
I'm going to detail all the ways that somebody can attract the maximum number of romantic partners. This is How to Become a Chick Magnet.
1. Be funny all the time. Bust out your Rodney Dangerfield impression at your friend's uncle's funeral. Turn into Don Rickles for your Thanksgiving day toast. Turn into a clown at every moment's notice. Keep paint and makeup for making a clown face on your person at all times. Make the makeup drip so that it looks somewhat like blood. Women love danger and psychosis. If you can wrap both of those in laughter and inappropriate jokes then the chicks will come running.
2. Don't be approachable. Whatever you do, don't smile at anyone. Look like you wear the sleeves of the people who inflicted trauma on you in the past on your sleeves. Like you ripped their sleeves off and now you keep them as trophies. Hunch your body language as though you are trying to protect yourself from an ever impending stabbing. Whip your glaring face around when you are out in public as though you expect there to be government agents coming to abduct you at any minute. I say again, women love danger.
3. Show respect...to nobody. Women, men, children, the elderly and everyone else that might be in existence. Never be polite. When it comes to being mistreated, nobody loves that more than women. You're going to want to be a condescending prick at every opportunity. Whether they are confident and capable of doing whatever they want with their life, you just keep putting them down. Women will stay with this kind of behavior for months, years, they might even marry this kind of shit and stay with it till it literally kills them.
4. No matter what, act like a child. Women do not want a partner that is as mature as they are. They want to take care of you as much as they want to have your kids and then take care of them. When you get sick, make everyone that is in your life aware of that. But mostly, make sure that your woman, and I say that because she does belong to you, is aware that she will be caring for you hand and foot. Even if you only have a sinus infection, find a way to puke in the bed. Women love taking care of kids, so in turn they will love cleaning up your pukey sheets.
If you followed these 4 easy steps then you are no doubt covered up in pussy.
1. Be funny all the time. Bust out your Rodney Dangerfield impression at your friend's uncle's funeral. Turn into Don Rickles for your Thanksgiving day toast. Turn into a clown at every moment's notice. Keep paint and makeup for making a clown face on your person at all times. Make the makeup drip so that it looks somewhat like blood. Women love danger and psychosis. If you can wrap both of those in laughter and inappropriate jokes then the chicks will come running.
2. Don't be approachable. Whatever you do, don't smile at anyone. Look like you wear the sleeves of the people who inflicted trauma on you in the past on your sleeves. Like you ripped their sleeves off and now you keep them as trophies. Hunch your body language as though you are trying to protect yourself from an ever impending stabbing. Whip your glaring face around when you are out in public as though you expect there to be government agents coming to abduct you at any minute. I say again, women love danger.
3. Show respect...to nobody. Women, men, children, the elderly and everyone else that might be in existence. Never be polite. When it comes to being mistreated, nobody loves that more than women. You're going to want to be a condescending prick at every opportunity. Whether they are confident and capable of doing whatever they want with their life, you just keep putting them down. Women will stay with this kind of behavior for months, years, they might even marry this kind of shit and stay with it till it literally kills them.
4. No matter what, act like a child. Women do not want a partner that is as mature as they are. They want to take care of you as much as they want to have your kids and then take care of them. When you get sick, make everyone that is in your life aware of that. But mostly, make sure that your woman, and I say that because she does belong to you, is aware that she will be caring for you hand and foot. Even if you only have a sinus infection, find a way to puke in the bed. Women love taking care of kids, so in turn they will love cleaning up your pukey sheets.
If you followed these 4 easy steps then you are no doubt covered up in pussy.
The Answers: How to Stop Slurping Your Drink
This is a pretty simple how-to. First, you're going to have to make sure that you're not a total piece of shit. Audibly slurping a drink is a move that only the least considerate and moronic among us do. Opening your mouth and dumping drink and/or soup down the whole in your face is more than enough to put you in a position to swallow. There is no need to suck wind like a sentient, vengeful vacuum that hates the dust because it's moved in to the living room to take all the great living room jobs.
Nobody feels like they can tell you that you slurp your drink because it's so fucking obvious that it seems redundant and insulting to you to have to point it out. Make no mistake, you are the problem. This is the sort of behavior that incredibly selfish people put on. The kind that will try to make everyone else sick when they are sick. The kind that will insist on talking about every little aspect of their life with other people in order to vent. We don't wanna hear it!
Although, I am guilty of talking about personal stuff at work. Work is such a mundane and tiresome thing that I have to talk about personal shit or I'll just be so bored I won't be able to stand it. Not stuff like "I fucking hate my dad. UGH! Everything in my life that is bad is his fault!!" More along the lines of reflecting on stories from my past that were funny, crazy, traumatic in some way. The bottom line is that the stories have to be interesting and if they aren't, and I realize that at some point in the story then I'll just say the ending and admit that it was a dumb story. This keeps the flow of the work day conversation going.
The same motherfuckers that are slurping their drinks/soup are the same motherfuckers that well tell a story like this: "I was catching up with a friend of mine that I knew for three years in high school. He and I used to go to the Taco Bell and eat...tacos. I called him the other day and asked him how he's doing and he said that now they've got a Pizza Hut out there. Ain't that something." NO, it's fucking not!
Nobody feels like they can tell you that you slurp your drink because it's so fucking obvious that it seems redundant and insulting to you to have to point it out. Make no mistake, you are the problem. This is the sort of behavior that incredibly selfish people put on. The kind that will try to make everyone else sick when they are sick. The kind that will insist on talking about every little aspect of their life with other people in order to vent. We don't wanna hear it!
Although, I am guilty of talking about personal stuff at work. Work is such a mundane and tiresome thing that I have to talk about personal shit or I'll just be so bored I won't be able to stand it. Not stuff like "I fucking hate my dad. UGH! Everything in my life that is bad is his fault!!" More along the lines of reflecting on stories from my past that were funny, crazy, traumatic in some way. The bottom line is that the stories have to be interesting and if they aren't, and I realize that at some point in the story then I'll just say the ending and admit that it was a dumb story. This keeps the flow of the work day conversation going.
The same motherfuckers that are slurping their drinks/soup are the same motherfuckers that well tell a story like this: "I was catching up with a friend of mine that I knew for three years in high school. He and I used to go to the Taco Bell and eat...tacos. I called him the other day and asked him how he's doing and he said that now they've got a Pizza Hut out there. Ain't that something." NO, it's fucking not!
Jokes: A Stressed Out News Breakdown
Here are some hot and fresh jokes to keep this week of woe and doom somewhat manageable. Try to ignore your petty manager and keep on keeping on!
1. Angry blow up doll explodes under pressure.
2. Protester want police to stop posting wanted images on social media because it is a form of "Public humiliation and bullying." Police chief Chad Lengwall commented that there will be no change in police policy because the comments, which he personally monitors are "pretty fucking hilarious."
3. FDA to remove allergy warning from labels as a population control measure.
4. Some critics of the various major news outlets have criticized the lack of media coverage that the Harvey Weinstein trial is getting. Meanwhile, the Harvey Weinstein trial is proving once and for all that nobody wants to hear about a fat disgusting old rapist.
5. According to reports on my personal Facebook feed, all of China has died to the coronavirus.
6. Viral marketing campaigns are pushing fake cures for the coronavirus that actually spread it according to Panic News Network.
7. The science of climate change has had a couple new names proposed for it. There are some that support the name "Global flood prevention" and others that prefer the name "Building a wetter doomsday."
1. Angry blow up doll explodes under pressure.
2. Protester want police to stop posting wanted images on social media because it is a form of "Public humiliation and bullying." Police chief Chad Lengwall commented that there will be no change in police policy because the comments, which he personally monitors are "pretty fucking hilarious."
3. FDA to remove allergy warning from labels as a population control measure.
4. Some critics of the various major news outlets have criticized the lack of media coverage that the Harvey Weinstein trial is getting. Meanwhile, the Harvey Weinstein trial is proving once and for all that nobody wants to hear about a fat disgusting old rapist.
5. According to reports on my personal Facebook feed, all of China has died to the coronavirus.
6. Viral marketing campaigns are pushing fake cures for the coronavirus that actually spread it according to Panic News Network.
7. The science of climate change has had a couple new names proposed for it. There are some that support the name "Global flood prevention" and others that prefer the name "Building a wetter doomsday."
Jokes: Why do we Think Differently About Funny?
Here are my jokes of the day! Hope you get a big belly laugh from these and share them with your friends. Cheers!
One frustrated parent psychologist recommends being a better parent by being more mindful...of the fact that you are raising a little shit and a future menace to society.
One archaeologist believes there is evidence to suggest that the last Neanderthals died while running for their lives from a group of capitalist cavemen who wanted to talk them into corporate life.
Flights to China are being cancelled en masse due to the presence of the coronavirus. Also experiencing cancellations are the virgin islands and Tokyo. Some believe it's because experienced lovers do not prefer virgins as they are a bit clumsy and fumbling in bed and Tokyo because it's waters are home to Godzilla.
Desperate individuals fighting over Popeye's chicken make the strongest case for eugenics.
Traumatic brain injury found to be the number one way to develop a new personality.
10-12 years of study on any topic has been found to be a waste of a life unless it makes your rich. -your parents.
Judge ruled that the court case where a Tennessee man smoked pot in front of her was "pretty chill."
One frustrated parent psychologist recommends being a better parent by being more mindful...of the fact that you are raising a little shit and a future menace to society.
One archaeologist believes there is evidence to suggest that the last Neanderthals died while running for their lives from a group of capitalist cavemen who wanted to talk them into corporate life.
Flights to China are being cancelled en masse due to the presence of the coronavirus. Also experiencing cancellations are the virgin islands and Tokyo. Some believe it's because experienced lovers do not prefer virgins as they are a bit clumsy and fumbling in bed and Tokyo because it's waters are home to Godzilla.
Desperate individuals fighting over Popeye's chicken make the strongest case for eugenics.
Traumatic brain injury found to be the number one way to develop a new personality.
10-12 years of study on any topic has been found to be a waste of a life unless it makes your rich. -your parents.
Judge ruled that the court case where a Tennessee man smoked pot in front of her was "pretty chill."
Shot Glass Thought: How to Hate What You're Doing
First of all, get a job. If you're young enough that you've never had a job then you will need one. Jobs help you to decide what repetitive misery you can stand without wanting to die. You will have a lot of jobs until you find something that you can actually stand. When that day comes, you'll be ready for the rest of this post. Step 1 after the prerequisite of having a job or a couple jobs is to make a list of all the good and bad things about your job. Then burn all the good things. This is not the space for positivity. We are going to be terrorizing our fellow employees with constant reminders of how miserable we are. If we can't notice a discernible drop in workplace morale every time we make a round through the workplace then we are not succeeding in our mission.
Is there anyone that you like to work with at this job? Visit them 3 times a day and talk at length about how miserable you are. Make sure to revisit topics that you've already talked about. Even if you remember discussing them already, talk about them again. Leave your work friend quietly frustrated at the end of every talk. When it comes time to complain in meetings, never say a word. We don't want real change to take place. We just want to make everyone miserable. If you follow these techniques you'll go from job to job always making the place worse. The next level of nightmare that you can make yourself into is to be really good at your job. When you are actually good at what you're doing but you make everyone miserable, there will be some companies out there that will want you. They don't mind having a miserable, near suicidal workplace as long as the bottom lines are met.
So just keep doing everything that I've described here and you'll be set. There is no way that you won't hate what you're doing if you act the way I've described.
Is there anyone that you like to work with at this job? Visit them 3 times a day and talk at length about how miserable you are. Make sure to revisit topics that you've already talked about. Even if you remember discussing them already, talk about them again. Leave your work friend quietly frustrated at the end of every talk. When it comes time to complain in meetings, never say a word. We don't want real change to take place. We just want to make everyone miserable. If you follow these techniques you'll go from job to job always making the place worse. The next level of nightmare that you can make yourself into is to be really good at your job. When you are actually good at what you're doing but you make everyone miserable, there will be some companies out there that will want you. They don't mind having a miserable, near suicidal workplace as long as the bottom lines are met.
So just keep doing everything that I've described here and you'll be set. There is no way that you won't hate what you're doing if you act the way I've described.
Shot Glass Thought: How to Pig Out on Macaroni
My preferred steps are thus: buy a large box of macaroni at the store. Store the macaroni away until bad news is received. Sometimes this can happen right away or it may take a few days but there will be bad news. Put the noodles in boiling water until they feel edible. Don't be a dumbfuck about this step or you'll burn yourself. Now strain the water out of the noodles. Put the noodles back in the pan that you boiled them in. Drop the strange glob of room temperature, never expiring cheese into the pan and stir it until it's macaroni. Next, remember the bad news and forget your diet and health aspirations and eat all of the macaroni in one sitting. Have an unhealthy drink like a soda and a cookie-based dessert for maximum depression.
Jokes: Where do Humans Begin?
Rigid adherence to feminist norms will result in a clueless bitch.
Rigid adherence to masculine norms will produce a dangerous acting, closeted homosexual/rapist.
The astronomers that reported the giant fuzzy blob that was allegedly heading right for the Earth apologized today saying that "The lens on the telescope was foggy. Tim breathes his raunchy Taco Bell breath all over the thing. I'm surprised it still works to be honest." Doners to the scientific institution want to know if some of their funding will go to providing Tic-Tacs for Tim.
American archaeologists' plan for uncovering more of the Earth's secrets? Interviewing extra terrestrials and the elderly, who might have been around to see most of it happen.
OJ Simpson's highly anticipated new book debuted this weekend. "How to Love Yourself" is a story about self forgiveness for all men who have committed murder in a fit of rage.
Rigid adherence to masculine norms will produce a dangerous acting, closeted homosexual/rapist.
The astronomers that reported the giant fuzzy blob that was allegedly heading right for the Earth apologized today saying that "The lens on the telescope was foggy. Tim breathes his raunchy Taco Bell breath all over the thing. I'm surprised it still works to be honest." Doners to the scientific institution want to know if some of their funding will go to providing Tic-Tacs for Tim.
American archaeologists' plan for uncovering more of the Earth's secrets? Interviewing extra terrestrials and the elderly, who might have been around to see most of it happen.
OJ Simpson's highly anticipated new book debuted this weekend. "How to Love Yourself" is a story about self forgiveness for all men who have committed murder in a fit of rage.
Jokes: Interesting Conversation Topics for Groups
Stress of surgery too much, doctors calling for more cold blooded serial killers to enter medical school.
Edgy 20 year old self proclaimed psychopath found dead at the hands of a local man who "had heard enough."
Local teachers are suffering from higher levels of stress. Some cite the fact that it just dawned on them that they will never be able to eat enough cake to compensate for dealing with screaming children all day. But that won't stop them from trying.
Jessica Simpson opens up about opening up, her never ending struggle with admitting personal shit to reporters.
Fans of a recently overdosed and dead rapper morn the lack of relevance of their own petty drug addictions.
Edgy 20 year old self proclaimed psychopath found dead at the hands of a local man who "had heard enough."
Local teachers are suffering from higher levels of stress. Some cite the fact that it just dawned on them that they will never be able to eat enough cake to compensate for dealing with screaming children all day. But that won't stop them from trying.
Jessica Simpson opens up about opening up, her never ending struggle with admitting personal shit to reporters.
Fans of a recently overdosed and dead rapper morn the lack of relevance of their own petty drug addictions.
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