Being a piece of shit at work is easy, and especially easy for people who are pieces of shit everywhere. If you're a lazy motherfucker then this list won't really make sense to you because you already do all of this shit by default. This is for the standard to good worker that is fed up with their bullshit work environment and want to learn a new way to conduct themselves at work. This is your guide for how to be a piece of shit at work in 3 easy steps.
The first and only rule to apply to these three steps is this: be uninvolved and take credit for everything good. This one rule will make your life so much easier and everyone else super pissed. Which is fine. Another name for this post could be "How to be Way More Selfish." Just think of those piece of shit lazy fucks that never do anything. They never work on a new project, never produce anything, never do anything. And yet, they still make it somehow. You are going to be one of those pieces of shit.
1. Work really hard for the first two weeks. You still remember how to work hard from doing it all your life. Now you just have to prove you can do it for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of excellence and the occasional 2 days ever there after is enough excellence to trick employers into thinking that you are good, but just having an off day. The kind of off day that turns into an off week, off month and then an off career.
2. Get clocked in and then sit down. This has to do with jobs where you are primarily standing. One way to make sure that you're sitting down as soon as you clock in is to save your bathroom trips for the moment that you clock in. Even if you're a guy, sit down for your pee. This is to permanently imprint on your mind that you must always be sitting and doing something that really isn't productive for the company. If something has to be done, you aren't the guy to do it. Everyone knows that if you're asked to do something, then they'll have to wait on you to lift your slow ass up out of the chair that you're in. Then you become a non-option for actual work. You just look at work as a place to hang out and get paid. Which is fine, if you're a piece of shit.
3. Take naps when you can and ask for a raise. You've already established that you won't be doing anything productive unless somebody is willing to struggle to get you to. This is great! Now you can start specializing your skill in finding places to sit down. By specializing, I mean finding more comfortable places to sit. This is to make it easier to get in your quick "power naps". When you're inevitably caught, you tell everyone that you "can't sleep lately, too stressed about work." This ploy for sympathy will make them feel guilty about asking you to get the fuck up and get something done. With that in place, you can groggily ask for a raise. You think that you'd be less stressed if your financials were in better shape. You're not asking much, just double pay for a reliable guy that always brings a great attitude. You're also responsible for everything good and had nothing to do with anything bad. All of this has been pretexted already if you've followed the steps correctly.
So there you go, "How to be a Piece of Shit at Work in 3 Easy Steps." You'll never have to work hard again, except for those occasional two days in a row. After the 5 year mark at your company, you'll only have to surprise people with 1 day of hard work at a time. These techniques definitely won't get you fired. They will be so thankful for those once to twice a month hard work days from you that they'll be overjoyed just to be in your presence.
