So, I'm writing a lot of jokes only posts lately. I have the most fun writing those posts. But they don't have a very large word count or a bunch of keywords. So they won't kick ass at search engine optimization. This is why I need everybody who reads these things to share them on social media. If you all do that, then your friends will get a chuckle and I'll be able to make it big. Win-win baby, so share these posts on your social media.
Full disclosure, if you share my shit with your family and friends there is a good chance that you'll be ostracized. I make fun of everyone especially all of us ghostly looking honkies.
Here's a modified version of a joke from the funniest man of all time: "Quitting drinking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." The original joke was from Mark Twain and it read: "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." Isn't that amazing that he wrote a joke that was so timeless that it could get laughs even today? I never knew how much I really loved that guy till I started studying comedy writing.
Cancer fan takes up smoking to fulfill lifelong dream.
Anti-teeth man takes up dipping to lessen his chewing potential.
Cigar enthusiast doesn't "need all of his mouth."
Local man breaks record for most inappropriate messages sent while eating chicken biscuits and drinking coconut flavored cocktails.
That last one was just a true account of my life.
I'd believe in myself if my toaster would let me.
I'd take out the trash if my toaster would stop telling me that there are government agents waiting for me to fall into that trap.
Apparently, government agents are the ones would made cheesy eggs last night and made a mess of the whole kitchen and not me. What a bunch of assholes. I could have cooked if you just asked. Let's sit down and have meals together like the family that we are.
I recently updated my review of Red Steel from 2006 on the Nintendo Wii. Click here to check it out:https://www.comedyapprentice.com/2019/09/video-game-review-my-love-will-go-on.html. I love this game and the review. So check it out homie!
I didn't spell check this because I'm hammered. Please forgive if there are some mistakes. If this message is still here when this thing goes up then know that I meant to make it back to check lol.
Jokes: 9 Short Jokes That I'll be Glad to Tell at the Open Mic in any Honkytonk
I wanna have sex the way that most people want to play bowling. It's a good excuse to get drunk and make some noise, but not much else.
I don't need an excuse to get drunk but it's good to be prepared.
If you don't start early you'll never be able to drink all day.
Heavy drinking comic only hears booze. "Makes me thirsty." He said.
Drinking alcohol is like time travel that only goes into the future. You take "too much" alcohol and then wake up in an unfamiliar time period. Could be several days later.
Just switched from champagne to cocktails and it didn't cost me a thing. My neighbor hates locking his door.
In spite of that first joke, I don't really want to have sex. At least, I don't want to have sex at my place. I mean who really wants to deal with all that clean-up? Not me. But I equally don't want to sleep in musky sex smell for several weeks till I decide to wash everything again.
I have been getting drunk everyday on all my off days. If they'd let me drink at work then I'd never have an off day. As far as I can tell, I don't get any worse at bartending when I'm drunk. I mean, I'm my own personal bartender and I've been loving my work all week. I'm damn near ready to give myself a promotion.
I wanna get lit enough to go to sleep but the light is too bright.
I don't need an excuse to get drunk but it's good to be prepared.
If you don't start early you'll never be able to drink all day.
Heavy drinking comic only hears booze. "Makes me thirsty." He said.
Drinking alcohol is like time travel that only goes into the future. You take "too much" alcohol and then wake up in an unfamiliar time period. Could be several days later.
Just switched from champagne to cocktails and it didn't cost me a thing. My neighbor hates locking his door.
In spite of that first joke, I don't really want to have sex. At least, I don't want to have sex at my place. I mean who really wants to deal with all that clean-up? Not me. But I equally don't want to sleep in musky sex smell for several weeks till I decide to wash everything again.
I have been getting drunk everyday on all my off days. If they'd let me drink at work then I'd never have an off day. As far as I can tell, I don't get any worse at bartending when I'm drunk. I mean, I'm my own personal bartender and I've been loving my work all week. I'm damn near ready to give myself a promotion.
I wanna get lit enough to go to sleep but the light is too bright.
Jokes: 11 Short Play on Words Jokes to Delight Wordplay Folks
Drinking cheap sparkling wine can be champainful.
Nerdy hooker wants to comic strip.
Champagne all day every day surprisingly not good for bubbly personality.
Disappointing preacher becoming more sins-ical.
Heavy drinker tired of concrete bottles.
Harmless loiterer destroyed by words not pertaining to sticks or stones. His family would have acted differently if not for misinformation.
Drunken sunburnt tourists are known to red wine.
Clumsy fallen angel blames balance for founding of Hell.
Little bitch coworker thinks kissing lips to be overrated. Prefers ass cheeks of the boss.
Married life appears to be death.
Cheapskate waits for ice to travel.
Nerdy hooker wants to comic strip.
Champagne all day every day surprisingly not good for bubbly personality.
Disappointing preacher becoming more sins-ical.
Heavy drinker tired of concrete bottles.
Harmless loiterer destroyed by words not pertaining to sticks or stones. His family would have acted differently if not for misinformation.
Drunken sunburnt tourists are known to red wine.
Clumsy fallen angel blames balance for founding of Hell.
Little bitch coworker thinks kissing lips to be overrated. Prefers ass cheeks of the boss.
Married life appears to be death.
Cheapskate waits for ice to travel.
Jokes: 9 Echoes of an Evening in the Holler a Writin' and a Boozin'
Country music was designed so that you would have something to listen to when you're drinking by yourself.
For the people that don't recommend drinking alone, well I don't recommend drinking at all. But I know that I will be.
If I don't drink, how will I know to drink water to stay hydrated?
If I don't have hangover headaches, then who will visit with the cashier in the pharmacy at Wal-Mart?
If I stop drinking will my memory of my shitty past come back? Well that's not exactly a positive incentive there cowboy.
I called you a cowboy in that last joke because I always listen to country music when I'm drinking. Which is also the reason why I can remember most of the words to country music songs. Not all of them though, nobody has a memory that good.
I'd rather stay home and drink than go out and meet my soul mate. I think I'll know my soul mate when she staggers over to my bar stool and calls me a name that ain't mine.
I used ain't in that last joke because I'm listening to country music while I drink and write.
If you're wondering why I'm drinking and listening to country music while I'm writing, it's because I want to keep posting, but I don't have one creative thought to express. In a situation like that, you need the only medicine that makes it impossible for you to shut up...BOOZE!!
For the people that don't recommend drinking alone, well I don't recommend drinking at all. But I know that I will be.
If I don't drink, how will I know to drink water to stay hydrated?
If I don't have hangover headaches, then who will visit with the cashier in the pharmacy at Wal-Mart?
If I stop drinking will my memory of my shitty past come back? Well that's not exactly a positive incentive there cowboy.
I called you a cowboy in that last joke because I always listen to country music when I'm drinking. Which is also the reason why I can remember most of the words to country music songs. Not all of them though, nobody has a memory that good.
I'd rather stay home and drink than go out and meet my soul mate. I think I'll know my soul mate when she staggers over to my bar stool and calls me a name that ain't mine.
I used ain't in that last joke because I'm listening to country music while I drink and write.
If you're wondering why I'm drinking and listening to country music while I'm writing, it's because I want to keep posting, but I don't have one creative thought to express. In a situation like that, you need the only medicine that makes it impossible for you to shut up...BOOZE!!
Jokes: 8 Short Reflections on the State of Man Disguised as Short Jokes
Belly full of booze good for curing feelings of emptiness...for a few hours anyway.
Hell is actually cold and it's near lake Michigan, in Illinois in the winter time.
I want to move to Chicago so badly. Maybe Hell is New Jersey at any time of the year. Or any place where there isn't any booze.
The few hours part of the first joke mostly depends on how much booze you have.
I started by singing at church and then I started singing at work. Both are really hard to make it to on time. Especially so when you've got a hangover.
Some people will think that my last joke is awful. But what better time is there to go to church than when you've got a hangover? You've almost certainly got some things to repent.
Thanks to Disney, one day I want to have a passive aggressive relationship with a bi-polar female lion one day.
I mean, honestly, how did Nala think the guy would react to basically making love all night and then having her thrust all the problems of the kingdom on him the next morning? That's just fucked up.
Hell is actually cold and it's near lake Michigan, in Illinois in the winter time.
I want to move to Chicago so badly. Maybe Hell is New Jersey at any time of the year. Or any place where there isn't any booze.
The few hours part of the first joke mostly depends on how much booze you have.
I started by singing at church and then I started singing at work. Both are really hard to make it to on time. Especially so when you've got a hangover.
Some people will think that my last joke is awful. But what better time is there to go to church than when you've got a hangover? You've almost certainly got some things to repent.
Thanks to Disney, one day I want to have a passive aggressive relationship with a bi-polar female lion one day.
I mean, honestly, how did Nala think the guy would react to basically making love all night and then having her thrust all the problems of the kingdom on him the next morning? That's just fucked up.
Jokes: 8 Dark Musings Disguised as Dark Jokes (Bring your flashlight)
I want to make wine out of the pears and oranges that I bought today. My reasoning is that they taste pretty good but they won't get me drunk.
I need to get drunk enough to get back in the bed because I can go to sleep there. This is my form of time travel. If I do this until my next work day, I'll skip all the purposeless misery and go back to being worthy of my existence.
Parent's that want you to kill yourself insist on reminding you of all the people that love you and vengefully market your depression as a personal dig at those people.
My philosophy is that I can't tell the future, don't know what will happen next but, well yes I do. I'll have another drink.
If I were doing that last joke in a stand-up setting I would pretend to be drunker than I am and would shout "Yeehooo!!" at the end of it. Perfect exclamation.
I can tell the future. I usually see it in dreams. Sober dreams too. Drunken stupor dreams turn into wet dreams but only from the homeless people pissing on me behind a dumpster on the rougher side of town.
I slept 15 hours each of the last two days and I've got nothing but regrets. But, none of them are about all that bomb ass sleep. Dreaming likamufucka
Pear and orange flavored wine would be fucking dope and nobody needs to justify that shit. It just would be.
I need to get drunk enough to get back in the bed because I can go to sleep there. This is my form of time travel. If I do this until my next work day, I'll skip all the purposeless misery and go back to being worthy of my existence.
Parent's that want you to kill yourself insist on reminding you of all the people that love you and vengefully market your depression as a personal dig at those people.
My philosophy is that I can't tell the future, don't know what will happen next but, well yes I do. I'll have another drink.
If I were doing that last joke in a stand-up setting I would pretend to be drunker than I am and would shout "Yeehooo!!" at the end of it. Perfect exclamation.
I can tell the future. I usually see it in dreams. Sober dreams too. Drunken stupor dreams turn into wet dreams but only from the homeless people pissing on me behind a dumpster on the rougher side of town.
I slept 15 hours each of the last two days and I've got nothing but regrets. But, none of them are about all that bomb ass sleep. Dreaming likamufucka
Pear and orange flavored wine would be fucking dope and nobody needs to justify that shit. It just would be.
Jokes: 7 Tally Marks for Dark Humor (Well, maybe not that dark.)
Every time I make up my mind to volunteer, I remember that there is a cost of living. I can barely afford it.
The cost of living goes up every time I have to listen to customer's opinions on politics. The cost being my soul.
I should have one the award in HS for most likely to smile while dead inside. Not class clown. Or maybe those two have always been the same thing.
In truth, I did try to volunteer at an animal shelter but they wouldn't let me because they thought I would too pawtective of the critters.
My cost of living is high because my inspirations are bottles of champagne and cheesecake.
I'm not dead inside but I have swallowed a few bugs on accident. So the dead is inside of me. This was also what happens when you get raped by a zombie.
A baby smiled and waved at me in Wal-Mart today. Which means that he was the only person that was happy to see me so far in the month of February. Further, in the year of 2020.
The cost of living goes up every time I have to listen to customer's opinions on politics. The cost being my soul.
I should have one the award in HS for most likely to smile while dead inside. Not class clown. Or maybe those two have always been the same thing.
In truth, I did try to volunteer at an animal shelter but they wouldn't let me because they thought I would too pawtective of the critters.
My cost of living is high because my inspirations are bottles of champagne and cheesecake.
I'm not dead inside but I have swallowed a few bugs on accident. So the dead is inside of me. This was also what happens when you get raped by a zombie.
A baby smiled and waved at me in Wal-Mart today. Which means that he was the only person that was happy to see me so far in the month of February. Further, in the year of 2020.
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