Jokes: 6 One Liners That I Haven't Tried Yet

I will take Buddha's meditation advice and I am already on his workout regimen.

I don't care for self help books, I prefer manic depressive tutorials instead.

I am more embarrassed to laugh in public by myself than some people are to masturbate in public.

Friends that aren't there for you when you need them were never friends. They were enemies waiting for the chance to stab you. They watch your every move and they pretend to love you...every time it happens the same way. I heard this from.... my toaster...and I've never seen evidence to the contrary.

Orange juice and ginger ale is the best and easiest punch that I make for 1 person...me.

I try to look as unapproachable as possible when I am not at work. I suppose I am an introvert, but I'm mostly trying to stay away from people on the sidewalk... taking surveys.

Six of my new one liners. I wanted to try something different. Let me know what you think.

Short Funny Stories: Randomized Musings

I listened to a horror story where the main character got sick and then his whole body rotted off of him. He raked his flesh off and had all kinds of craziness going on. Made me sick more than anything. I had never had a piece of media make me literally gag, but that story in particular got me there.

 If I've ever flown a WW2 bomber in a piece of entertainment in order to destroy the Nazi's, then I've surely also ate pizza bites to the point of satisfied gluttony. All that to say, I like to waste time. Video games, laziness, books for entertainment. I like to waste time. But it's only time wasting if you don't learn something from it. I have learned that if I budget some time out for enjoying these hobbies, then I'll be able to produce way more professionally. But if I do too much in the way of hobbies, then I'll be miserable. So it's best to keep learning in life. It's pretty much the biggest key.

I've been reading the book version of The Shining. Honestly, I don't buy the idea that King had a masterpiece and then Kubrick changed everything around to make a decent movie. King had a decent horror novel that lacked in plausibility. Kubrick made a masterpiece out of that. Jack in the book seems to be a character that we are supposed to be sympathetic to, but I just don't buy it. He hurt his kid and then thrashed the student. The story lacks the subtlety and dread that the movie conveys. Jack isn't sympathetic in the movie, he's just a total madman that we watch lose his shit. That Jack Torrance is the one I can believe in.

Shot Glass Thought: Psilocybin Tested

So they've found out that in controlled settings, with the help of a doctor, you can have a therapeutic response to shrooms. Which probably makes sense to anyone with any sense. I heard so, so many times from older morons about the days when they were younger morons about how you could "Take a trip on that shit and...never come back." Yeah, I imagine so, when you've already gotten nearly black out drunk, smoked enough weed to consume an entire factory of Doritos and received a limp blowjob from desperate skank in a desperate house, taking shrooms might not be the best idea. I'm saying it was never meant to be a party drug.

Shot Glass Thought: Too Relatable

I'm pretty much over the super relatable issues that our movie characters go through. I think I'm going to start walking out of movies and turning off shows the second that they introduce a cancer sub plot. I don't need entertainment to be a reminder of my past grief. That's not entertaining, it's the prelude to a therapy session. I don't go to therapy anymore so the whole thing is a great big emotional waste. I don't like superhero movies but I did like Deadpool. That was one movie where the cancer didn't rake hot coals across my heart. At least John Wick had the courtesy to not tell us what Wick's wife was dying of. It was probably cancer, I don't know, but I would rather not know.

Comedy Story: They Are All Shit

I want the US government to continue to shit itself on the national stage until they finally just give up and start bringing in people with actual solutions. Trump can get impeached, I don't care. Hilary can go to jail, I don't care. I would be happy if both of those things happened and also, Michael Jackson raped all those kids.

Fuck the news and fuck all the people that soak it in and worry about tomorrow. None of that shit matters. A complete moron and a stooge like Trump is proof that the position of president doesn't mean anything. If he argued with me on this point he'd come up with a marketing slogan for my least appealing factors and then steam roll me in front of a rabid crowd of supporters. My slogan might be "Austin in his college apartment, no degree." Or "Undergraduate Austin at age 30." Jokes on you cocksucker I ain't going back to college.

Bill Clinton and his side bitch killed all those people. Doesn't matter what they say or what anybody says. I believe only the worst about our stupid fucking leaders. What a joke. Why can't ultra powerful public figures have the same suicidal tendencies that our 15 year olds have today.

For all of those cunts that are suing Trump for sticking his hand in the clam all uninvited, why can't one of you have been carrying a gun? Are there no NRA members among the high profile whores of the world? I would think of all the people in the world, that group should have as good a justification for owning a gun as anybody.

Bill Cosby drugged and raped all those bitches too. Nobody that is in the public eye is any good. Except Anthony Hopkins, nobody can fault that man. He's literally untouchable and if you find evidence to the contrary then don't link it to me as that would obliterate my whole world. Honestly, I would vote for Anthony Hopkins to be president because I'm no better than anybody else that makes a hero out of somebody that they don't know. I know that he couldn't fix all my problems but he would at least lend some dignity to the position. He'd act like a great president at the very least. (Yes the act part was a pun and I laughed out loud at it when I wrote it.)

America will always be the land of the free, home of the brave. No matter how many idiots are out there trying to make it look bad. I love this country but I don't love it's figures. I love the motherfucking truck drivers, the geologists and the nurses and even the fucking lawyers. But I don't want even one more second of my life to go to waste having to listen to how great some public figure is when we know they are all shit. Because they are all shit. But not Hopkins.

Short Funny Story: Creepypastas are Great

I love creepypasta stories the way that crack head loves coke. I can go through hours of them with no breaks. I'm always amazed at the talent these writers demonstrate. I really believe that the next Stephen King is out there writing a short story where a family in the woods is being attacked by a giant zit monster from space. Or a serial killer. Whatever.

I find that a lot of creepypastas are about isolation and paranormal stuff. Things that you expect from the horror genre in general. In general you expect the horror genre to be hilariously unscary or too terrifyingly real. House of the Dead is a movie that is hilariously unscary but is terrifyingly boring. Resident Evil 6 the movie is one of the greatest comedies that has ever been made. Both of these fine examples of what a film should not be are based on video games. The games are way better.

 I loved one that I listened to where the guys went to the moon but they weren't supposed to. The big reveal was that aliens had told us to stay put on Earth, or Else. But we didn't listen of course. Anyway, they are great. A lot of them have to do with serial killers too which is always great. I've only met one person that I truly believed was a psychopath and I never want to meet another one. But I'll be damned if I don't consume 88 hours a week of psychopath related fiction and non-fiction in books and movies. Maybe it's been 2 psychopaths for me, and no I've never dated one but that would have been a great easy joke to make.

Shot Glass Thought: LSD vs Therapy App

More and more you hear of people getting therapy from alternative sources. I don't want anything to do with alternatives sources of therapy unless LSD counts. Further, anything that gets you high as shit. I'm not endorsing drug use...officially. Therapy is supposed to be done between two individuals. Not one person and a cell phone. Stay far away from apps that are supposed to hear out your deepest darkest troubles and just hit the couch with the closest caring professional. Does this have anything to do with Christmas? Well no, it doesn't. But I would like to high as shit. Anyway, Merry Christmas and enjoy your families.

Shot Glass Thought: Truethmas

I am thankful for the opportunity to be thankful. Secondarily, I am thankful for the people that listen to me bitch. I'd like to tell myself that I'm thankful more often than I'm bitching but I'm also trying to stop lying to myself all the time. Things like "We haven't gained that much weight. She really did love me, she just wanted to see the world first. She'll come back. I have lot's of friends and we're all really close." You get the picture. Oh Well, Merry Christmas ya filthy animals.

Short Funny Story: Words From the Sentient Empty Shell

I trimmed my beard for the first time in about 3 weeks. Feels good when your face doesn't feel weighed down. I also love how there are always some beardless plebs that tell me "Ah bro you should have kept it bro. That beard was almost alpha bro."

If I wanted to prove my alphaness I would work much harder to earn a huge living. Then I would tell everyone, but more specifically every hot waitress that I came across how much money I make. Seems like hot waitresses really turn on a guy with a lot of money and power. I prefer the waitress that strictly adheres to mise en place.

Then I'd brag too much on my way out of the restaurant and get taken out by the biggest fan of the recent Joker movie. But at least I would be dead then and not later. That's supposed to be a punchline about how it sucks to go on living. But I don't think it works unless you're a sentient empty shell like myself.

Comedy Story: Went to the Wrastlin'

Forest, a friend of mine and I went to a local professional wrestling event a few months back. I haven't written about it till now because I was too busy trying to wash the smell of cigarette smoke and desperation out of my clothes.

The first guys to go up were pretty professional I think. I don't watch wrestling so I'm not sure what I should have been looking for. But the crowd cheered the loudest when they were on and they did the most flipping around and falling off of things, so I assume that means they were the best.

A lot of people in the crowd shouted at the wrestlers and they all had characters. Some were clearly good guys and others were clearly bad guys. The most obvious instance of this was when they had a really, really gay guy wrestled a 15 year old girl. The girl won and the gay guy was arrested for obscenity. Which in rural NC just means "No fags aloud at the wrastlin'."

There was a duo that dressed up as a Space Jam theme. They were supposed to be the kid friendly group. I don't have kids but if they were fans of something as lame as that I would trade them in for some new kids.

Overall it was a lot of fun to watch the wrestlers do crazy things, then react to the audience reacting to the wrestlers. There is a zero chance that I'll ever attend another event like that again. But at least now I know for sure that I hate the experience, instead of just being pretty sure that I hate it.

One last thing about the place, everyone that I thought would be there, was there. Wife beaters and camo will never go out of style in the county where I live, if this event was any indication.

Shot Glass Thought: Legalize Cannabis Already

Recent polls have shown increased support for legalizing cannabis for recreational use in America. Specialists believe that the numbers would be much lower if they polled your angry, screaming, local Baptist preacher.

Shot Glass Thought: Russian Shit Posters

Some people believe that Russia is spending their time manipulating people on Facebook in order to sew discontent in America. I only see idiotic memes and uninteresting shit posted by friends that I'm no longer in touch with on there. So Russia really needs to step it's game up. If you're going to sew discontent, then you might need a bigger needle than shit posting on Facebook.

Original story: https://www.themarysue.com/russian-trolls-worse-than-we-thought/

Shot Glass Thought: Not Evil Incarnate

A 14 year old young man shot his older sister and her boyfriend with a shotgun during a house party recently. Maybe there was an incestuous relationship going on between the sister and brother. Anybody think to ask about that? Maybe she's just a cheating bitch. That's the new trend in porn right? Everybody is banging their stepmoms and stepsisters and sometimes it's a prank somehow. I'm just saying, the news is treating the kid like he is evil incarnate. Let's hear all sides of the story you know?

The actual story: https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/crime/14-year-old-accused-of-shooting-sister-and-killing-boyfriend-with-shot-gun/ar-BBXAxMT

Short Funny Story: Fatties and Their Brains

Recently Scientists have found that obesity can destroy important parts of the brain. The part that is already broke is the "I'm fucking full already" mechanism.

They think that the fatter you get the harder it is to control appetite. As you get fatter, your brain rewards the behavior that is making you fatter. That's the sort of positive reinforcement that most big eaters never got from mom and dad.

The scientists started looking into this phenomenon because teens and children are way fatter than they are supposed to be. Some of the fat fucking holy rollers that I grew up with should have been missionaries in Africa. Could have solved the lack of Lord lovin' out there and slimmed down a couple hundred pounds. You can't eat fried foods 6 days a week when there are no foods to fry. 

For actual information check this out: https://www.rankred.com/obesity-could-damage-important-parts-of-the-brain/

Comedy Story: Cheer Up and Carry On

First of all I'd like to say fuck me. I have 3 places for relaxation  set up in my apartment and only one workstation. I have a bed, a spot on the floor to relax on and a recliner. My desk where I do all my work sometimes doesn't get used at all but I can play video games or watch horror films from all 3 of the other positions. Let me inform you that this apartment is a studio apartment. So there isn't much room in here but I've definitely made room for plenty of relaxing.

Nobody can work all the time indefinitely without any repercussions. I don't even want to work more than I do. I'm just saying that when there is a que of shit that needs to get done in my life...I'm never surprised. I put stuff off, it's as simple as that. I have made plenty of plans and all that results in is me taking out my trash sooner than expected.

My dishes and bills pile up. My shower and toilet are usually really clean. I don't organize things all that well. But my hooker decapitating station is always really clean...Hmm maybe I should take that part out. Nah...nobody misses hookers.

When I do allow things to pile up I make one short list and spend an entire day getting everything done on that list. This is an emotional but also rational solution. If I insist on getting everything done on the list then I will have everything that I need to get done, done. But I also do it for the endorphin release that I get from completing objectives in real life the way that I do in video games. I also feel good about following my list in public as if it is of critical importance for the preservation of the union when really I'm just picking up toilet paper and Diet Sunkist.

I am doing just fine. Plenty of people love me and I them. I'm not in a hurry to be a billionaire and I don't live everyday like it's my last. I'm doing just fine because I'm edging my way into a dream career one day at a time. I'm also going at a pace where I won't burn out. That's the most important part to me. Maybe you feel stressed about where you are in the pursuit of your dream. Well, we can only take it one day at a time. So cheer up and carry on.

Shot Glass Thought: Pot in Detroit

The city of Detroit needs legal recreational marijuana. But not just a little, they need enough to help them forget that they live in Detroit. All of the pot that the city confiscated over the years should be sold back to the people that want it. That is the true hustle, when you can legally steal and sell illegal shit for profit. "Oh it's legal now because we make the rules bitch, now where my money at??" -City of Detroit.

Shot Glass Thought: Dreams Prepare You

Scientists have found out that nightmares help to prepare us for real life horrors. But I have yet to encounter a giant pair of sentient teeth trying to chomp me to bits inside of my grandpa's barn.

Original story right here: https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/technology/brain-scans-show-our-bad-dreams-might-actually-help-us-face-fears-in-real-life/ar-BBXAvna

Short Funny Story: Troubling Myanmar

Myanmar has had to form a legal team in order to defend itself against accusations of mass rape, mass murder and systematic torturing. Myanmar seems to be going a long way to avoid being called...liberal.

I want to point out that the population of Myanmar is overwhelmingly Buddhist. So to all the Buddhists in Asheville, NC which seems to be overwhelmingly Buddhist, stop acting like you are actual Buddhists. I think we both now know that the main tenets of Buddhism are meditation, enlightenment and wholesale slaughter. So if you're going to claim Buddhism, you better get to rapin' and killin'.

Short Funny Story: BPD, Not A Laughing Matter

Of all the mental illnesses that you might have, people with BPD are the most likely to have endured childhood trauma. It's kind of impossible nowadays to know what a trauma really is, because some people can be traumatized by the election of  a president. I would think the unsolicited grabbing of your pussy by a strange orange man might be traumatizing, but his election to run the country... not so much. 

Anyway, BPD sufferers out there can be more at ease with talking to a professional about their issues as recent scientific findings indicate that your psycho parents do not work at your shrink's office. But they might follow you there and wait for you in the parking lot. Even if they are dead. 

But seriously, get help because we all want to live well, have good relationships and beat homeless people senseless. 

Shot Glass Thoughts: Traumatic Brain Injury Recovery

So scientists have found that if they implant some new science shit in the brains of mice with brain damage, the new science shit will grow the brain back to being healthy. They think that this will one day help humans to recover from brain injuries. I just wanna know, who is giving the mice brain damage? Is there a guy in a lab room that knows just how hard he has to stomp in order to damage the brains but not kill the mice? If so, that guy does not discuss his career on first dates or on any dates. How do you break that to your woman? "Sweetheart, I'm a mouse stomper."

Click here to check it out: https://www.upi.com/Health_News/2019/11/20/Animal-study-shows-promise-for-traumatic-brain-injury-treatment/1101574274880/

Shot Glass Thoughts: World Peace and Energy For Everyone Solved

So Putin, the god of Russia or whatever thinks that eliminating the usage of gas would put humanity into caves. He thinks that if we had no nuclear energy, gas and fossil fuels in general then we would all just have to live in caves again... Well he's right. I mean most alternative energy makes only enough energy to barely be worth setting up in the first place. What we should really be doing is putting a nuclear reactor in every country on the planet. That way none of us can ever bombed. The explosion of a nuclear reactor would destroy the whole world. So there you go. World peace and energy for everyone solved in one blog post.

Comedy Story: The Kneeling Quarterbacks

Colin Kaepernick is a guy that makes the NFL cringe. He had a ton of athletic ability and the skills to lead a team to the super bowl...one time. Ever after that he has pretty much stunk. He got benched and then started kneeling for...cop killers and the rest is history. Oh wait, I think I might've gotten wrong.

Actually his protest shined the spotlight on police brutality and hopefully will result in some positive social change. Anyway, the media wants so badly to have him around to talk about again that I would move that they have conspired to create his audition for NFL teams, engineered his workouts, fed him and provided him with in depth espionage of all NFL strategies so that he would have a bargaining chip to get himself signed again, if his skills on the field weren't enough.

He worked out and now 2 teams as of my writing this are apparently interested. One where the owner doesn't give a fuck about how things look, which would be a real positive for Kaepernick. The other is a team that is trying to make it to the Super Bowl but they don't have a good enough quarterback. Well K was able to get a tremendous 49er team to the big game, but that was when he was still very much in the game. There could be a good deal of rust on those already questionable skills.

But I am in favor of a team signing Kaepernick and if they do, I want them to sign Tim Tebow too. I Want all three quarterbacks on the field at the same time. The qb that they have now, Tebow and Kaepernick. Both Kaepernick and Tebow could run, throw and probably catch. So just think about all the misdirection you could accomplish on offense. You could call it the hydra setup. Plus the media coverage and revenue from attendance would be astronomical. Whatever teams there are out there that want to take of the league, just give it a shot. I'm telling you that is the football team that we all want to see.

Short Funny Story: Independent Kids, Uninterested Parents

A couple in Laredo Texas weren't paying attention when their toddler drowned in the bathtub. I think if you are the kind of people that think that a toddler can safely bath himself, then you must also believe we have secret lizard people aliens running the government. I say all that to say, you are fucking crazy.  

Toddlers cannot be trusted to eat soft foods unsupervised. Kids that young cannot safely play with toys on their own. Even though it's fun to play with, you might have a kid that wants to know what it would be like to eat his favorite action figure. Bada bing bada boom you have a trip to the emergency room on your hands. 

When the couple found that the kid was dead they decided to dissolve his remains in a rubber tub full of acid for later disposal. I tell ya, back when I was that age I thought time out and spankings were pretty bad. Never knew that dissolving in a vat of acid was a possibility. Anyway the dad ratted out the mom and the OTHER 4 KIDS have been taken to child services. How the fuck did these incompetent fucks manage to keep 4 other kids alive? The article said that the other 4 kids are ages 1 to 11 but that doesn't mean that they don't all have careers already. If your parents are as uninvolved as these parents were then you are probably a really independent kid. The oldest is probably a tax preparer and a damn good one too.

Short Funny Story: Pretty Much the Greatest Job Ever

There is a company out there in the world today that wants to pay people 3000 dollars a month to smoke and review marijuana. This is the type of good news that should eradicate the perspective of the atheist. For if such a job can exist, then there must really be a God.

All you have to do is smoke, eat edibles and then critique and blog about what the experience was like. This is the sort of thing that plenty of stoners have been doing all their life anyway. So the level of expertise in this field is going to be top tier in no time. 

The only downside is that you have to live somewhere where weed is legal in order to work for these folks. But if you don't live somewhere where it is legal, then you are certainly living somewhere where you can get weed...sketchily. So go out on the town and risk your life by conversing with all manner of creepy, dark weirdos and find yourself an armed street merchant who will hook you up. He'll also fucking kill you if you double cross him...but those are just his words, not mine. Then take your weed home and try it out, do all the stuff that the job wants you to do, then when you move to a place where it's legal, you'll already have a portfolio. Easy Peasy

Click here to check the website out: https://americanmarijuana.org/cannabis-dream-job/

Shot Glass Thought: Australian Scientists Saving the World

Australian scientists have found a more efficient and effective way to turn plastic trash into reusable fuel. I have already tried running my car on melted milk jugs. I will admit that I probably left out some of the more important steps in the process. But I fully support the project and hope that it comes to America and all over the world. These are the kind of people that I want to become billionaires. If you prolong the exist of a healthy Earth...then you get to be a billionaire. That should be our planet wide incentive for inventors and scientists.

Shot Glass Thought: One More Reason

Recently, Syracuse University has had a bunch of racist shit going down. There has been racist graffiti all over the place and apparently a white supremacist manifesto has been distributed in secret all about the campus. This is just one more reason why you should never..ever.. go to college. Nowadays the most ignorance and evil you can find among young people is there! So just join your local gang, Bloods, Crips, or MS-13 and make a difference in your community instead.

Comedy Story: Visualization and Happiness Link

It seems like every time a neuroscientist decides to get rich they just put out some kind of Law of Attraction bullshit. I don't give a fuck how interesting the micro machines in my brain say that my imagination is. I don't care if you find it physiologically, psychologically and philosophically pleasing to pretend to smile until you really are happy. That is fucking stupid. I don't want to be happy that badly. I don't want to pretend anything unless I really am acting. I want to do exactly how I do and change nothing. 

I want people to realize that it's not the changes that you make to yourself that make you. It's the improvements and mastery level of your skills that make you. What can you contribute? If you are thinking about, working on or otherwise fucking with something other than your skills, then you are wasting your time. Stop trying to think that there is just some kind of fix all ideology that if you follow it just right you will live successfully. NO! Okay that's enough text yelling. What I'm getting at is that whatever it is that you want to do, you should be practicing that thing and working out all the ins and outs of that thing.

If you start working on your thing and you never stop, then by God you'll get pretty good at it just so long as you aren't killed before you get the chance. Men, don't waste your time on women and women, don't waste your time on men. Be gay. Just kidding, love whoever you want. But don't worry about finding and securing that love unless you have already mastered something. The skills that you can offer the world, the mastery that you have obtained will provide a good living for you. There are no poorly paid masters in the world. I'm not referring to a college degree there either. Once you are a master of whatever you chose, you will be paid. Once you are paid then you can be in love and build a family and whatever the fuck else you want.

I've typed all this shit just to say, stop fucking up your life. Start the road to mastery today and don't fuck with love tips, sex advice articles or self help books. Figure out what you love and master it.

Comedy Story: Leroy and Earl Save Church (Special)

"Earl, how many shots you got left?" 

The situation was dire. Leroy knew that, he knew that this might be a one way trip for him. But he wasn't quite ready to die yet. So many whiskeys left to try. Plenty girls left out there for him to go out with. Only question these days was where do we go out to? 

"Got ugh... 8 between ma pistol and the shotty." Earl conveyed this information with his standard confused look. What didn't confuse this man? Leroy wandered. 

"Good, we need to conserve them as best we can. Earl.. I ugh...well you see...this might be the end and I just wanted to say that...." 

ERRAHHHHH!!! A spine tingling screech ripped through the night air and Leroy knew mortal terror. Earl in the meantime stared blankly at Leroy until he asked

"You were ugh...saying something weren't ya there Leroy?" 

"Yeah I was just saying...well whatever man, let's get a move on." 

It had been a cold hard 5 years after the nuclear zombie bombs from Tanzania were dropped all over the world. Apparently there had been some confusion about which controller was controlling the release of nuclear zombie bombs and which one was the controller for the virtual reality video games that the prime minister spent most of his working hours on. And thus, humanity is destroyed by the biggest, ragiest rage quit of all time. But that was then, Leroy and Earl had to think about how they would rescue miss Marcy's two kids from the abandoned mine shaft. A mine shaft that Leroy and Earl had been luring zombies into with rotted meat and then shoving them down the highest drops in the mine. 

"Was a good plan, our little setup here? Weren't it a good plan to trick the zombies and shove em' down the shaft? Sorry miss Marcy, didn't figure your brats would wanna get down in there and play with the things." Earl muttered to nobody in particular. They had made it into the mine and were following the ceiling lights that Earl was able to get working on a prior mission. 

"It was a good plan Earl, errh ahhh!!" Leroy lost his footing and tumbled further down the mine shaft than he had ever been before. He frantically rummaged around the on the floor for his flashlight. The darkness hugged him like an aunt with abandonment issues. 

"Shit shit shit! What the fuck, oh what the shit!" Leroy hissed to himself 

"Don't have a shit hissy thar buddy. I got more than one flashlight packed." Earl joined Leroy with two working flashlights in tow. 

"You jackass! We only have two flashlights in the first place! You took mine." Leroy snatched the flashlight away from a bewildered Earl.

"Well.. weren't it a good thing that I ACCIDENTALLY, and I do mean ACCIDENTALLY took your flashlight? Seeing as how you took a mighty hard tumble down this here mine shaft? Coulda broke the other flashlight all to shit. Then we'd had to huddle together and be two shivering idiots down here. The kids mighta had to of rescued us." 

"Whatever, thanks for packing the flashlights. Let's get a move on, this could turn really bad, really fast. "

 Earl nodded and motioned forward with his flashlight and gun pointing the way. He moved the way Navy Seals in movies do. Only exception being that Navy Seals in movies don't run out of breath and weeze loudly after a few minutes of brisk walking. 

"Could you keep it down! You sound like the big bad wolf over there." Leroy hissed at Earl who responded 

"Shit...I don't even....know why I have to be....here...they ain't my kids....anyhow. Why my kids wouldn't ever fall down a zombie filled....mine shaft....They'd know better....little shits are always...piping up in church....I'd gettem learned on...that too....need a good ass blistering...that's all..." 

"Okay let's take a break. You need to catch your breath and we haven't seen or hear-" 

ZZZZZZPSCHHH BEEP BEEP BEEP 

"Ah what the shit. Ello this is Earl, whatya need?" It was Earl's radio picking up from halfway to the center of the Earth somehow. The sudden noise had almost ended Leroy. He wondered how much more his nerves could take. 

"Oh Merla called? How's she doing? Is her boy the one they put in charge of the communal vegetable garden back in the spring? Yeah...yeah...boy couldn't grow a damn thang I tell ya." 

"Do we have time for this Earl?" Leroy could never understand the limitless enjoyment that Earl could derive from his mundane chats with his wife. Even though the world had ended, Earl still had plenty of bullshit to complain about with his wife. If you listened in on their pillow talk you'd probably wonder if they weren't zombies to begin with. 

"Just a minute Leroy. Now did I hear that correct, you said that school teacher don't believe in God no more? You figure it's the unbearable hopelessness that might set in when somebody has nothing to live for but they gotta keep on living anyhow? Yeah well...could be I reckon....yeah...yep.... is that right?...they did what?....well praise the Lord honey....well.....yep.....I figure as much....nah the hemorrhoids hadn't acted up on me in a while....well it sure was sweet of you to think about me honey. I'll ring ya back when I get on out of here with my three screaming kiddies."  

Uproarious laughter could be heard over the radio from Earl's wife. Earl got in a few good hearty chuckles too. 

"Hey I gotta go now honey bun. Love you too, bye bye. Hey sorry buddy, I just knew she'd get a kick out of that." 

"Indeed. Well let's move alo-"

ERRAHHHHH!!! "AHHH NO! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!" This time the howl of the dead was accompanied by the screams of the kids. 

"Come on they must be close!" Leroy and Earl took off sprinting towards the noise. Leroy could feel deep down that this was the moment he had been waiting for all of his life. He would rescue the kids! He would save the day and be the hero that a his underwhelming life had prepared him to be! Just then the floor gave way and Leroy and Earl tumbled into a sealed away room. When they had dusted themselves off a bit they could see that it must have been some kind of storage room. 

"Shiiiieeet far. I ugh...uuuummmphhh! I've gone and thrown out my back Leroy. We have shit and fell back in it now brother." 

"No kidding." Leroy scanned the room, looking for an exit. There was the way they came in and a door that would lead them to God only knows where.  

"We should work together to climb out of here." 

"You don't...Oh Lordie...wanna go out the...door?" Earl asked. 

"We don't know where the door could lea-" Just then a WHAM WHAM WHAM at the door jolted the men.  

"Leroy...less a miracle takes place...I won't be climbing it'all. We gotta shoot whatever is on the other end of that door and find ourselves a way up from there. Less you plan on leaving me to die." 

Leroy's mind raced, he did consider leaving Earl to die. I mean, he was so irritatingly dull. But no he couldn't do that. 

WHAM WHAM WHAM 

Leroy panicked even harder. What could he do? He had to shoot. He had to shoot! But he couldn't shoot just once, he had to let loose and empty every shell in his shotgun.  

WHAM WHAM WHAM 

These zombies wouldn't know what hit them. 

"Eat....LEAD!!!" Leroy screamed as he closed his eyes and blazed away at the door with his pump shotgun. 

"DIE DIE DIE!!!" Leroy lost himself in the moment of his final stand. His adrenaline pumped, his chest filled with courage. Maybe he would die today but he would not go quietly into that goodnight! And then, just as quickly as the melee had begun it was over.  As the smoke cleared, Earl had this to say. 

"Good grief Leroy...you done saved the zombies and shot the kids." 

All down the hallway it was plain to see. Miss Marcy's two little rats had been at the door and only now had the zombies down the hallway taken notice of them.  

"Welp...my backs feeling a sight better." As if miraculously cured, Earl shuffled back out of the room and held his hand out for Leroy to pull himself out as well. 

"Hurry up man we gotta git!" 

"Yes of course, right away."  

Leroy and Earl easily outpaced the lumbering dead to the exit of the mine shaft. It was on their way to the trail back to their camp that Earl began. 

"What happened backair...I ain't gonna say a word about it buddy. Couldn't a known or done any better. If it woulda been them zombies at the door...you woulda sure gave em' hell wouldn't ya?....I mean...why didn't the boys say anything?...Never could gettem to shut up in church...It was more like they wanted to git shot you know'd it?" 

" Yeah...I suppose." 

"Yeah well...way I figure it, we just leave out the blasting you gave'em and leave it at zombie food. We got down in the mine shaft and it was too late. The boys was already zombie food. There don't need to be no mention of you mincing em' up like baby food for the zombies...just zombie food. Don't ya figure that oughta be our story Leroy?" 

"Yeah...I reckon so..Earl...thanks man." 

"Hey no problem buddy, it weren't no great loss for anybody...guess it's a pretty big lo-" 

"For the mother?" 

"Yeah..shit...reckon so......EAT LEAD!!!" Earl proceeded to make his hand into a gun and went about the trail pretending to waste an entire army of invisible zombies. Leroy wasn't happy but he was grateful to be alive. He was grateful for his friend Earl. He was also grateful that he wouldn't have to listen to those little shits running wild through the entire church service anymore. 

Mass Effect Xbox 360 (2007)

This game is a modern day classic and the all important starting point for the Mass Effect trilogy. Playing through it today, it's pretty archaic and boring at times. But that's on all the stuff that is outside of the main missions, side objectives and character interaction. All of that is brilliant in this game. The story is fun and introduces you to the incredible world of galaxy hopping and future reaper destroying.

This version of the game has quite a bit of slowdown at times. I have never had a crash, but I've seen plenty of slowdown and odd visual glitches. Playing the game on it's hardest difficulty is pretty much mathematically impossible. You just don't do enough damage points to make it practical. So that kind of stinks as I like when the difficulty is geared more towards the skill level of the player and not just numbers.

Saren is a worthy bad guy and worth the trouble of chasing across the galaxy to destroy. The mission on Illos will stand out in most player's minds. The final battle is pretty memorable too, even if it is a bit clunky at times. The combat could be described as clunky by and large. But it's still fun if you're patient and a big fan of the series already. The changes they made to the combat from 1 to 2 and then 2 to 3 were incredible. That's not to say that commanding your squad in this game isn't fun. But it does play at a much slower pace. The difference between 1 and three is so great that I would not blame someone for thinking they weren't from the same series.

Overall, this game was well worth revisiting for probably the 5th or 6th time. I love the Mass Effect series. Just remember that if you decide to revisit one and create a new character, you will have to destroy Saren, the Collectors and the Reapers all over again. So do it..that's what I'm saying. It will be great!

Shot Glass Thought: Baller Status

I drink my diet Sunkist out of a wine glass because I'm a baller. But yall already know that. It's not surprising. If I went to your bar and ordered breast milk on the rocks...I'd still be a baller. The bartender that says "Coming right up" and doesn't react at all is the biggest baller though.

Movie Review: The Terminator (1980)

I had drank my 9th and 10th drinks of the day during the viewing of this movie. That was awhile ago. So my memory on this might be a bit shaky. Anyway Arnold Swartzawhatever goes back in time to try and cockblock our hero of the story, your friend, an actual mother fucker. Mfer is sent from the future to impregnate the mother of his friend so that they can all save the world. The mother is the actual hero of the story but I don't want to give too much away for the folks like me that are clueless to the pop culture that we are all supposed to have seen. By the way the LOR movies are boring, bloated garbage. More on that some other time. Star Wars is pretty shit too. And I don't like the Marvel movies really. 

The indestructibility of the Terminator is pretty awesome to watch. There is some stop motion in the film, I am always in favor of that. The romance doesn't seem unrealistic or really all that creepy in spite of my plot synopsis. The music is good, the action is great and the characters are really interesting. If I had to come to terms with being the savior of all mankind then I would probably kill myself or hide in a bear cave in the mountains. I don't have heroic aspirations to say the least. Anyway it's a great film and if you haven't seen it then see it.

Shot Glass Thought: Getting High in Public

The only drug that the public will accept you getting high on in public is alcohol. I don't think that there will ever be heroin pubs. Seasonal heroin types and shit like that. "Come in for our five dollar hits of October Smack!" Not gonna happen.

Movie Review: Rosemary's Baby (1968)

This movie is the ultimate study of paranoia and subtle horror. Maybe there are better examples of subtlety in horror movies but I can't think of one right now. There are so many violations of trust in this movie, so many situations that make you question whether there is a conspiracy or if Rose, the main character is just losing it. The paranoia and isolation of the film bothered me so much the first time that I saw it that I didn't sleep well for about 3 days.

If this movie accurately portrays what it was like to be a woman in the 60's, and I wouldn't know. I was neither woman nor existing in the 1960's. I am not well read on the societal pressures of women in any time period. Because if you have the free will to decide what you want to read, why on Earth would you read that shit? What I'm getting at is that everything I've learned about the world since my high school graduation has come from news headlines, horror movies and jokes. So I'm basically this timeline's contemporary Socrates.

So I don't know what it's like to be a woman, be abused by a romantic partner, that's in this movie btw, and I don't appreciate proper study material. These are the things that I've learned about myself from watching this movie again and writing about it. I watched it with two of my best friends and they were really into the movie. Scared the shit out of both of them the way that it did me on my first go round. So I recommend the movie, but if you've been abused by a partner or if you suffer some serious paranoia, then maybe give this one a pass. I think it could lose it's entertainment value for someone with that background. Anyway, much love and I'll see you all on the next one.