Most people want to do something with their life that is important and useful. Like becoming a brain surgeon. There are no brain surgeons that we don't need. We need them all. But not every profession is like that. The least important thing is Marketing. We don't need any marketing at all. It's such a stupid thing to do that it doesn't even have a name for the profession besides “marketing professional” or “marketing expert” Do you want to be called a fucking marketer? That's stupid. Say it out loud “I'm a marketer. Could have been a welder, accountant or a bartender but I decided to be useless, professionally.”
You see Capitalism is a system where people want stuff and then other people make and sell all the stuff at a price that covers the cost of producing said stuff. It works really well because people know what they want and are willing to pay for it. If you don't like Capitalism, well try out the world's most effective government mandated weight loss plan, Communism. By weight loss plan, I mean nationwide starvation plan. Maybe America should be Communist for like 4 months since we are all a bunch of waddling fat fucks.
Marketing is for the knuckle draggers who just say "business is for making money. I need to make money but I'm too dumb for management, accounting and finance. Everybody is too dumb for economics. What's left? oh marketing.” Studying marketing is so dumb that it's pretty much the only way that a college athlete can graduate on time.
Marketers celebrate and chest bump as wildly as a pack of silver back gorillas snorting coke when they run ads and see a 2% increase in revenue. Woopity fucking doo. People already wanted shit, you just convinced them to want your shit. But not even that many people. Only a few. Your job is to influence what people buy. Only thing is, everybody would go about buying shit even if you didn't exist marketing! Marketing guys are also the first to claim that they are mixing the best of two worlds, creativity and business. Let me just say, no you are fucking not. The mixing of business and art would be something like a professional sculptor who does all of her own bookkeeping. That's a fair statement because the person does something creative and does something in business. Is having a super model sexually assault a burger over the course of 22 seconds while sleazy strip club music thumps in the background what the world thinks of as creative these days? Looking at You Hardees.
But maybe marketing does something related to business. What would that be? Do they prepare the incredibly valuable financial reports that keep the company going? Nope. Do they provide valuable insight about the current state of the economy. Big Nope. Do they have a way with people and make good managers of the lower level employees? Nope Nope Nope. They debate whether or not the next useless piece of junk that is sent to their office actually has someone out there waiting to buy it. What do you call that again? Somebody who is trying to sell you something that doesn't do anything and it also happens to be something that you don't want? Well in the old days they called them con artists but today we use the dumb ass term marketers.
But you know what marketing, I have to give you your due. Sometimes you beat me. I looked for forever to find the right green tea in the grocery isle. Because I am really indecisive, what can I say? I read the fronts and backs of all the available options and then thought about how much time I was wasting because I really don't give a fuck about which green tea I have in my apartment, so long as there is some green tea in my apartment. Green tea is green tea to me. I love it, never had a cup that I didn't like. There is a destination that you can end up at when you spend too much time thinking about pointless shit. It's called Existential Crisis Land. Personally, I visit once per week whether I have a reason to be there or not.
So how did I solve my first world problem of which green tea to go with? I went with the one that had a panda bear on it. This fucking box has got to sit somewhere in my apartment and I'll definitely be visiting said box pretty frequently, so why not have a big fluffy panda bear there to greet me? The jerk offs who deliberated for 3 whole work days about what should go on the box finally went with the panda. Even though there were plenty of hurt feelings and a war of a debate took place to decide if it should be a tastefully stacked pile of bamboo or kimono Asian lady number 7. Both of which had their own merits to be sure. Ultimately the Panda prevailed. Which brings me to my conclusion. Even though Marketing sucks and is a useless waste of a life, sometimes, marketing wins.
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