Comedy Story: A Bowl of Convenience

For some people, what they eat and how they eat it makes up the majority of their time. Preparing the food, having the right groceries in the first place, completing and fancying the dish before eating it, etc. I on the other hand, have a preferred method of handling food that cuts out all the time and quality of consumption in exchange for good old lazy ass convenience.

I live alone, so already that's enough reason for me to not spend very much time on food. Why do guys get good at cooking? Why do guys do anything? To impress someone that they want to have sex with. We are all acquainted with this most universal of truths concerning the male creature. But I, contrary to the societal expectations of the young male, never, ever have sex. I have had sex on plenty of occasions before. And to be honest, it's just not worth it. What do my partners get out of hooking up with me? 3 glasses of Cabernet to the face and a proper drilling before a nice sound sleep in the comfy and clean bed of a stranger. What do I get out of it? Potentially herpes.

Back to my food though, I cook all of the chicken that I buy from the grocery on the first day that I have it. Seasoned, pan cooked to perfection in some delicious olive oil. Then I lock the chicken away in the freezer in a meat tub prison where the only escapees are going to be nuked in the microwave. 2 minutes and 30 seconds of the most anxiety inducing popping that food can ever make leads to a nice steamy bowl of convenience. How does the chicken taste? It doesn't. Dropping the chicken into the equivalent of a nuclear reactor core for a couple minutes takes all of the flavor out of the equation. But worry not, because honey mustard exists. No matter how disgusting the chicken is or where you got it, there is no case too far gone for honey mustard. Honey mustard is the fictional brain surgeon on TV with godlike healing abilities that transcend medical science. This guy can save a decapitated victim with a naturally raised and preserved watermelon, some circuitry and a wig.

How does one begin such an appalling method of protein delivery? Well first you are going to need to get over the concept of loving yourself. Then it won't be long before your more natural and necessary survival instinct will kick in. Hating yourself. There is nothing that you cannot survive if you can't stand who you are. You will persevere through any catastrophe just to go on inflicting yourself with suffering. If a massive dam busts with you in the danger zone, you'll fashion a surf board out of rotten bark and cruise your way out of there with a scowl on your face and your childhood on your mind.

Now keep in mind, you are saving a lot of time and money by employing my technique. Time and money that you can spend on something that you really care about like.......prostitutes. Another rousing good reason for cooking like me is to avoid cookbooks. Why do the writers of cookbooks insist on creating recipes with the rarest, most exotic, high end restaurant style ingredients? Because they are paid to do so by the people who produce those ingredients? Most likely, but I'm definitely not doing any research to confirm it. If I wanted to waste all my money I would not be eating at my house! I would just go out and hand my money to someone else and save myself all the work. Should I buy a chef hat and a set of aprons and non slip shoes? Yell like a maniac at the staff that I don't have? Prepare all my food with plastic gloves on? Which are more like cheap condoms for your hands in that they cost you money and are pretty much mandatory, but do not afford you any real protection.

But it's important to develop life skills, it's what your grandparents and your parents would want for you, to be a well rounded person. Don't you want to be a well rounded person? Definitely not. Being well rounded, as most fat people will tell you, takes a lot of effort. To your first point, both my grandfathers would only wonder why the fuck a woman isn't doing the cooking at my place. My parents just wanted an engineer but I suck at math so nobody gets what they want. All except me anyway, because I get to have my nice, pipping hot bowl of convenience.

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